I awoke on June
15, 2000, my master wrapped his arms around me, pulled me
close and whispered “Good morning kajira, happy anniversary.”
A strange mix of emotions ran through me in record time.
The pride that I had been pleasing to this master for a
year. Pleasing enough that he chose to keep me in collar
and then the fear set in. This was our 12th anniversary,
that meant it was time to be branded. For months, Master
had been telling me I would be branded on our 12th month
and just a few days before, I had gone and signed the papers
giving the brander the approval to do this. The brander
had to be protected by society’s laws and rule, but I signed
the paper per the instructions of my owner. Having the detail
of legalities out of the way before the actual branding,
permitted us to follow more closely to the branding tradition,
and the effect of being property “submitting” to rather
than a free person “permitting” the act.
Like
any other morning, I arose and got the kids ready for school.
They were in a year-round school and thus, going this morning.
I kissed them each and sent them on their way. I began to
tremble. I was frightened. I had already been told that
it hurt, very much in fact, and knew from my own cooking
burns and such that I did not like the feeling of burning.
With the kids out of sight, the reality that I was merely
owned property began to set in. “Oh my God,” kept running
through my brain. I was permitted to dress in a light soft
dress (afterall it is hot as heck in Arizona in June) and
slip on sandals. Ankle and wrist cuffs were placed on me.
The leather familiar and comforting and into the car we
went.
We
drove across Tucson to pick up my once chain sister. Her
bubbly personality was up lifting and her touch comforting.
We giggled as sisters do and she, bless her heart, tried
to keep me thinking of fun things, happy times, and things
that made me laugh. To some degree, it worked, I was a bit
more relaxed on the two hour drive to Phoenix, but that
little voice kept trying to bully its way into my brain.
We
finally met with Master’s best friend and the panic set
it. I was really going to do this, Master was really going
to have me marked kajira. Me, the one who had been so proud
that she had not marred her body in any way prior to meeting
Master. No tattoos, no marks, only a belly scar from child
birth and those of a tomboy playing hard when she was younger.
Me, the one who could not understand placing dyes into ones
body was about to intentionally be scared, burned had I
lost my mind??? No, just my ‘freedom’. Master Bleu gave
me a hug, told me he was proud of me and into the dark big
vehicle we went. Okay, so it was not a silver ship swooping
me away to Gor, but it could not have been closer.
I was
placed, still in ankle and wrist cuffs in the back seat
of the SUV with my sister my hands. linked together by the
D rings and we started down the freeway. Could my heart
actually be pounding as loudly as my ears were hearing?
Master spoke, my mind racing I barely made out the command.
My sister helped pull my dress over my head and I was speeding
down the freeway, naked except cuffs and collar. I was shivering.
It was not cold, in fact over one hundred degrees, but I
trembled, Master was really going to do this. It was completely
in his hands now. N0 turning back, not that I would have,
but as the books of Gor find the girls so often saying “Master
had left me no choice.”
I can
not even begin to say how long the ride really was, only
that it seemed I could have traveled all the way to California
in the time it took in my mind. Minutes felt like hours.
I had always questioned the sanity of someone jumping out
of a perfectly good aircraft and now found myself questioning
the sanity of one who would deliberately inflict such a
tremendous amount of pain on themselves intentionally. But
that crazy person was me this day.
We
arrived at the Brander’s home. Steve Haworth and his lovely
girl were the most wonderful people, allowing me to become
a bit relaxed. I had to wonder if they could see the trembling
as I stepped into their home. Bekki, whom I would like to
mention, is not only a beautiful person outside, but inside
as well, smiled and sat with us a few moments. She had taken
the time when we met to sign all the legal mumbo jumbo to
show me her brands. To tell me the truth when I asked her
if it was going to hurt. She explained how the muscles involuntarily
twitch and contract during the procedure. She smiles now.
Friendly, and understanding. Warm in just her persona. I
will never forget how warm and inviting they both were.
Master
removed my collar. Any girl who has ever worn the collar
of the man that truly owns her, her heart, her body and
her mind, knows that empty feeling that remains in your
very soul when your neck is bared by your Master. I was
frightened, I was uncollared, and I was empty. God, please
let me be pleasing to him today, please God, don’t let me
shame Him……..
Master
and Steve left the room. Master Bleu must have seen the
fear, he gave me a reassuring squeeze and I was off to put
on my silks. My sister looked at me in the mirror, watched
my hands tremble as I tried to tie the silks, and put on
makeup??? Well let’s just say, there have been better days
for that! Silks on, heart pounding, fear calling out to
me, trying to push me from the very thing my Master wanted.
A marked girl.
I entered
the living room and waited, it seemed like forever. I can
not even begin to tell the thousands of thoughts that ran
through my head all at once, a jumble of self-doubt, pride,
fear, excitement, fear, joy and did I mention fear?
Master
reentered the room. I don’t think I had ever seen him look
so stern. His face was hard, His gait determined. There
would be no begging my way out of this. I could see it in
his magnificent blue eyes. My heart skipped beats, my breath
caught in my throat and then my scalp stung. I was being
lead through the house (to this day, I could not find my
way to that room alone) I did not know where, I did not
even know which way I was being led. Then the sterile smell
of the room hit me, it was a bit cooler than the rest of
the house, or was it just my imagination? I was stood upright,
and no one spoke to me, nobody said a word, I trembled again.
I was nothing, no one, this had nothing to do with me. I
was just property, Steve was just a metal worker paid to
perform his art. I was alone. Though there were people in
the room, I was alone.
Steve
placed the outline of the brand Master had chosen on my
leg, it was cold, and not quite high enough, it was removed,
again cold, and now right where Master wanted it. High upon
my left thigh, just below the hip. ‘oh my God, am I really
going to do this?
I was
led to a very sturdy table. I knew it was old and would
later learn it’s actual age. It felt like I was about to
go through my yearly exam again, my feet placed in stirrups,
yet I had never trembled so at the doctors office. As Master
secured me in place, I of course, tested the amount of “play”
I would have in the binds. Again fear washed over me when
I came to realize there was none. Not even a tiny bit. I
began trying to talk to myself, to remember the pain of
childbirth, sure that this could not possibly be any worse.
Trying to “go to my happy place”, to relax. Mind over matter
and all HA!!
“Girl
you will now be branded.” Those words echoed and echoed
and then I was pulled away from my relaxation by a searing
pain shooting from my leg directly to my brain. I grasped
the ropes held my breath, gritted my teeth, breathed rapidly,
everything I could think of until finally the pain just
took over and I screamed. I mean I really screamed. Not
only was I in more pain than I had ever felt in my life,
I was terrified, I begged, screamed “Please Master Please,
Please make him stop Master please.” I don’t know how many
times I begged, how many times I pleaded all I know is this
Man who said he loved me was trying to kill me. I just knew
I would never survive this pain. God, please just make it
stop, please just let me pass out, God please please please.
I went from absolutely
adoring this man, loving him with every fiber of my being
to hating him. I despised Him for hurting me so much, for
the pain he was forcing on me. He had always been sure to
stop the pain just before I couldn’t take it anymore and
now…now he was abandoning me. He was letting this stranger
torture me…Why? How could he?……I hate you. I hate all of
You. MAKE IT STOP!
And
then, just before I was going to receive the mercy of passing
out, the most wonderful, blue eyes were looking into mine.
The most wonderful, strong eyes were willing me to make
it. The eyes I had so often looked to for guidance, were
leading me through this, they were willing me strength.
Willing the terror of my mind to feel control. Willing me
to endure …. surrender … submit … trust.
Finally
it was over. And the most beautiful words to a kajira’s
ears were whispered so softly so warmly, so reassuringly
“I am proud of you”. Yes, even more beautiful than I love
you, my Master was proud. I had done well. Even though I
was screaming and yelling and crying I had made my Master
proud. That sent my heart soaring. Oh I had made Him proud.
Proud in front of his best friend, proud in front of these
people that tortured me….proud….but yet I was still not
complete…
I
don’t know how long I was permitted to rest, moments? perhaps.
Master pulled me from the table and led me determinedly
to the fur and to my knees before Him. Oh thank heavens
I had done well, I was to be collared, I had pleased this
Master. “Assume the position of female submission” YES!
I was to be collared. My heart soared again, my leg did
not hurt anymore. It was amazing. Once the brand was done,
there was no pain. The electricity no longer vaporizing
the flesh from my body the pain subsided. “In all things,
yours to do with as you will.” I hoped beyond hope that
I had not moved, that I had not caused damage to the kef
upon my thigh. I hoped that the brand was perfect. Just
as Master had imagined it. “Whatever Master wishes it to
be. Yes Master, I am mika.
and
I love you
