Dominance - One submissive’s view

by dark whisper

There are times when I wonder who created the mindset that a dominant needs to always be in control - to be super human, and not respond to the very real stresses the rest of us have to live with on a daily basis. Dominating someone is damned hard work, and I’m not sure I can truly say: “I know how hard it is.” I have a pretty good idea because even though I try very hard not to push lines and step over boundaries, I’m just as human as the next person, and I make mistakes. I have children, and I know how difficult it is to be responsible for another human being - but don’t get me wrong, I am NOT saying that a submissive is in any way childlike or in need of constant supervision.

The responsibility, however, is tremendous - whether for a child, or any person. A dominant makes the choice to take on many responsibilities as pertains so their submissive(s). Guiding their education, their understandings, their spirituality to a great degree, and so many other issues that we, as adults, decide on a daily basis. An awesome task.

If the dominant is secure in their own path, there is less likelihood that there will be real problems. But therein lies the danger - many believe that a dominant needs to be domineering. And that is FAR from the truth.

The two terms are not synonymous. There is a WORLD of difference between the two. Domination is not about lording it over another person, or being better in any way. It’s about the power exchange, and control. Those who attempt to dominate through domineering tactics will soon have a submissive who chafes at the bit, and loses respect for the one supposedly in control. Is this control? Not to me it isn’t. There have to be real reasons for a dominant to instruct one to do something. And if those reasons aren’t valid, then the question arises: “is my well being and growth being considered here, or is it simply fodder for an ego?”

I was married once. My ex husband felt that he had to win at all costs. It didn’t matter if what he won was a divorce, but by jiminy, he was going to push until I crumbled. And for a while, his strategy worked. I began to question myself to the degree that I had very little self respect, or confidence. I felt very much like a ragdoll that he’d take out and play with on occasion… and then put aside when he was done.

That’s manipulation… and is never a positive thing.

Once again, I found myself thinking about this while in a chat room. A submissive, who was considering accepting a collar, made a post. In this post she did the Y/you and T/they thing like a good virtual submissive. ~not getting into THAT right at the moment~ The “Dominant” she is considering for a master came back with: “You’re just learning, sweet subbie (another pet peeve of mine.. go figure), so your lack of knowledge about protocols in address will be overlooked, but I will teach you respect.”

Umm… Okay, someone help me out here. Is butchering the English language in any way… necessary to show respect? What the submissive said was VERY respectful - not only to her dominant, but to the room in general, and to herself. And she even did the Caps/no caps thing.

This gave the impression of incredible ego on the dominant’s part. I could be very much mistaken here, but it seemed very petty to me (and many of the others in the room - Dominant and submissive alike).

Yes, in the virtual world, the use of Upper/lower case is a good indicator of who is who, but it seemed that the One was more interested in showing what a “strong dominant” he is rather than truly trying to guide and educate. A domineering trait rather than a dominant one. There are many other glimpses into this mindset that brings me to that particular statement, but to be honest, I tend to ignore those types for the most part after seeing that kind of arrogance.

Dominance isn’t about changing someone into someone else. It is not about training one to react like a trained seal to perform on demand. It’s about having an inner control that their submissive can recognize and it creates the desire and need to do what pleases - not that one is afraid NOT to do something that the dominant requests.

An example: Once, a dominant asked me if I was really willing to obey him. I was. He then expanded on that by asking me “if I told you to give the mail person oral sex, would you?” There was no question that if he instructed me to do that… I would. But here’s the thing - I knew he wouldn’t ask that of me, because I trusted him.

Whoa… step back here a second. Is it submission to mean something because you trust a dominant not to put you in danger? Yes, my friends, it is. Is it a “test” to see if I would have done something he asked of me? ~a soft laugh~ yes, in a way it was… and I realized something - he didn’t need me to actually do it, he needed me to realize inside of myself, that if he asked me to do it… I would - because I trust him not to put me in danger.

I realize that I’m rambling a bit again, it is very difficult to articulate what I mean here - a domineering top wouldn’t have cared whether or not something asked of me wasn’t for my growth… but for proving something to him/her. A dominant is always looking to help their submissive grow, learn, and find that submissive core inside.

Submissives… look for a dominant who is seeking to walk a journey with you, not have their ego stroked. That’s not what power exchange is.

Safe travels.