SCENEprofiles Interviews
by Sensuous Sadie


 

 


SCENEprofiles Interview

SCENEprofiles Interview with slave demona, Co-Founder North Country Munch & 24 7 Ds Lifestyles Groups,
and Total Power Exchange slave
demona@slavedemona.com
http://www.slavedemona.com


SENSUOUS Sadie: You represent a minority among lifestylers: a slave in a Total Power Exchange (TPE) relationship. Could you please tell me about this lifestyle?

demona: "Basically Sir R wields full power and control over my life. i am objectified as owned property and continually work to be whatever and whomever He defines me as. He enjoys ownership much as He does with any other possession of His.

"i am not permitted a safeword, i do not have limits beyond those that Sir R Himself has, and basically everything in my life, is a 'privilege' including the very air i breathe.

"We perceive a safeword as the submissive wielding the *ultimate* power. From that perspective, everything the Dominant does is at the behest or by the permission of the submissive. Sir R and i both really struggled with the idea of my *giving Sir R permission* and so a more conventional Ds dynamic just doesnít work for us.

"We also do not adhere to the philosophy that 'submission is a gift.' What i donít give, He will take. Once i agreed to serve Sir R, all parts of me became His property, to do with as He sees fit. There are some parts of me that i cannot voluntarily *give,* and He plucks them from me, when He wishes, whether i consent or not. Ultimately, our relationship is based on Consensual Non-Consensuality. Which is to say, my final right to consent entailed entering this relationship. The ball is perpetually in Sir Rís court now.

"There are many stereotypes out there about all of these types of relationshipsÖbut people really need to get to know the participants before making assumptions. Most people that get to know Sir R and i are very surprised by the way we live, as it isnít what they assumed it would be at all."

Sadie: Can you explain how TPE is different than both Gor and 24/7 D/s relationships?

demona: "Gor is modeled after an mythical ideology. 24 7 Ds relationships typically involve the submissive wielding a degree of power in terms of negotiating the terms of that relationship. TPE is only modeled after the sole wishes of the Owner, and encompasses whatever He wants it to encompass...nothing more and nothing less.

"In all three types of relationships, the Ds dynamic is ongoing and static. The participants identify as either Dominant or submissive towards one another, reside in an ongoing relationship. They do not ever perceive themselves as ever relating to one another outside of that Dom-sub expectation."

Sadie: You moved from your native Canada to upstate New York to serve Sir R who came from Texas. How would you describe your relationship?

demona: "my relationship with Sir R has been based on fulltime service from its onset. We met online and after getting to know each other thoroughly, came together as Master and slave into a TPE dynamic The foundation of our relationship is 'Master slave' and not about romantic love. This is very comforting to me, as i know that whether we are in love, out of love, romantic, not romantic or what have you...i am always Owned property. Nothing changes that.

"Our philosophy is that Control should be the foundation of Master slave, everything else is icing. We do love and care for one another, but those emotions have their place in our relationship and are secondary.

"i have experienced many different kinds of relationships over the years, but this is by far the most intimate i have ever known. When there is an area He wishes to know about or explore, He just takes what He wants. It is irrelevant whether or not i wish to participate. This is really special because it means that my defense mechanisms, instinctual fears etc cannot interfere in our moving forward and growing as Master slave.

"Another fundamental concept for us is eliminating 'Peerness' from our relationship. my primary identity is that of slave, who also happens to fulfill roles of worker, mother, friend, daughter etc. All of those roles are privileges for me, permitted and demanded by Sir R. As opposed to identifying as an 'individual' i.e. mother, daughter, friend, worker etc, who also happens to fulfill the role of slave. i do not identify in any way as Sir R's girlfriend, wife, friend etc. if Sir R wanted a girlfriend, He would find one. And i would continue to be His slave, serving HimÖ. and her, if He saw fit.

"Eliminating 'Peerness' is an important facet of my knowing my place in the world as a slave. It establishes an authenticity in our relationship and leaves no room for misconceptions on my part. And that is very comforting to me as well. Life is very clearly defined."

Sadie: How do you separate love from your relationship of control with Sir R? The reason I ask about this is because our culture does not offer any models of relationships like this. I have not yet met a Dominant who I would trust with EVERYTHING. I generally trust people, but everyone is human and has weaknesses. How do you reconcile these conflicting ideas?

demona: "Rather than resisting or denying Sir R's humanity,' i embrace it. His faults and foibles illicit the same reverence in me as His strength and power. Whatever He is -or is not, has no bearing on my identity as His property. His very human-ness makes Him all the more an effective Dominant. The fact that He maintains fundamental control over me even in His weakest moments, makes Him all the more powerful in my eyes.

"i have always been a great skeptic, and am slow to trust. In the beginning, our journey was a giant leap of faith, based on our beliefs in one another and the potential of this rare relationship. Sometimes, when you want something so valuable, you have to take risks...and i've never been particularly fearful.

"i sometimes compare aspects of our relationship to the one that exists between parent and child, particularly in the manner that the trust and control flows. Parents hold the ultimate control. They are not perfect, but they are reliable, safe and willing to do what it takes to achieve what they believe is right for the family. The parent and child love each other despite their weaknesses, but that love never compromises who is in charge. Parents impart their beliefs and way of thinking onto their child as they raise it, and yet at the same time, embrace the uniqueness of the child. Children and parents don't always see eye to eye, but in the end, itís the parents wishes that are affected. Of course there are many ways in which our relationship is nothing like parent child, particularly in the context of my being a slave whose sole purpose is to serve Him. But there are some parallels.

"Sir R's natural ability to control not only me, but just about everything around Him, has worked towards dismantling my defensive barriers. Control and power really come naturally to Him. And yet, He's so laid back...you'd never see it coming.

"We also did a lot of remapping my instinctual behaviors and perceptions during that cloistered year i was kept at home, so that my implicit trust in Sir R became the standard. It doesn't just come naturally, it takes concentrated effort, and we have invested a lot of work. He has invested a great deal of time in psycho-emotional training that affects the desired responses in me. As life throws us its curve balls and issues come up, we sometimes have to revisit old territory and lay the foundation again...and we don't mind doing that at all.

"We don't separate love and control in the sense that they cannot be experienced simultaneously. Indeed, they have the potential to feed one another. They also have the ability to interfere with one another. And that is something we are not interested in dealing with. We have established boundaries in our relationship, that Control will never be compromised or negotiated upon, regardless of what emotion or circumstance lays between us in a given moment."

Sadie: You explain about what happens if your Master falls in love with someone. What happens if you fall in love with someone?

demona: "That is highly unlikely to happen as my world so thoroughly managed that there really wouldn't be any opportunity for such a thing to occur. We invest training time in shaping my emotions to be such that He would approve of, and i do not imagine Him indulging me in falling in love with someone, though He might for His own entertainment and pleasure i suppose.

"If i were to fall in love with someone, those feelings would be the property of Sir R, just as all my other feelings are. He would expect full disclosure on what was occurring, just as i do with everything else. And it might provide a delightful vulnerability in me, for Him to explore and exploit at His leisure ~smile~

"Any feelings of passion or desire that arise in me, are the property of Sir R and i disclose them fully to Him. He chooses to do with them as He pleases, perhaps indulging them... or perhaps denying them intentionally to suit His own purposes. i find this more fulfilling than any vanilla love could ever offer me. Its just how i'm wired."

Sadie: As a minority in the BDSM community, have you faced any prejudices? How have your responded to them?

demona: "A lot of people just can't get beyond the SSC slogan or the idea that BDSM is a recreational activity. i accept and understand that a TPE life choice isnít for everyone, and that some people might find it downright offensive or extreme. But it works for us, and we donít try to push our agenda on anyone else. Everyone has to carve out their own reality.

"For us, Power Exchange is about our very identities. i am accepting of others perspectives, and am willing to help dismiss the stereotypes for those that are willing to listen and learn. For those who arenít, i just *shrug* and keep moving forward ~smile~"

Sadie: Sir R has owned you for three and a half years now. How has your practice and relationship changed over that time?

demona: "Itís all an evolution. Sir R is my everything. Literally. And itís glorious."

Sadie: How long have you been involved in the BDSM scene? Please tell me a little bit about your background and experience.

demona: "i've dabbled in kink sexually since i was 13 after reading Man with a Maid (By Anonymous), but have never been involved in the Community until about two years ago when Sir R brought me out after a year of cloistered & extensive micromanaged training.

"iíve always been able to sense out strong Dominant men. iíve always sought out men that were quietly and effectively Dominant in their very nature. And have never had a problem persuading them into kinky sex *grin*

"i met Sir R quite by accident in a vanilla forum online. Neither of us sought a relationship. As we talked we discovered that we held many things in common and came to believe that we could have a successful authentic Master slave relationship. To find this is such a rarity that neither of us could turn our back on the opportunity. i left a very content and happy five year vanilla marriage to be Owned by Sir R, and iíve never looked back. He immediately sold His house and came to Canada to seize possession of me.

"iíve never met anyone that i felt could effectively control me, without my actually being the one controlling myself. Sir R is strong enough, and determined enough to do the job. i feel honored and privileged to have been chosen as His property."

Sadie: You and Sir R started the 24/7 Ds Lifestyles group. What is your focus with this group?

demona: "The 24/7 Ds Lifestyles Group is specifically for people in static Ds relationships in which a consistent Power Exchange is the ongoing day-to-day expectation.

"Sir R and i have found that actually 'Living' Ds as an ongoing dynamic presents some unique issues. There are limited resources that provide information or support on fulltime Ds, and so this group is meant to bring people of similar life choice together for friendship, discussion and support.

"We have a monthly topic and the event is open to A/anyone currently in fulltime Ds or with some significant past experience. We set this boundary so that everyone coming to the table is able to contribute and share information as well as learn from others. The group has been a fabulous resource to other Fulltimers, and we were pleasantly surprised to see how many others participate in this type of BDSM relationship."

Sadie: You are on several national boards that deal with this area. Can you tell me about them? What are the most common issues you see people dealing with?

demona: "The boards i belong to generally deal with Total Power Exchange relationships in which the slave is perceived as actual Owned property and typically has relinquished all rights and personal power, including safewords. Their purpose typically entails physical and psycho-emotional Enslavement of one form or another.

"These Boards are national in scope because TPE Lifestylers make up a pretty limited gene pool, and are truly a minority amongst a minority. TPEíers are typically pretty spread out geographically and not always able to access one another one-on-one. Not all of them are community members, often making them more difficult to find.

"Just about every topic you can think of is discussed, but frequently topics evolve around ideas on how to seize/relinquish power in areas one cannot volunteer. e.g. defense mechanisms, instinctual behaviours etc. Issues that frequently come up typically have to do with dealing with the parts of us that canít be 'given' to someone, and how to seize and control those parts of human nature. Often the participants are highly intellectual people. Its always very stimulating conversation, although often outside of what is considered 'politically correct' in the mainstream BDSM community."

Sadie: You do some writing in the BDSM genre. Are you working on any current writing projects?

demona: "i write articles on issues relating to 24 7 and TPE lifestyles. i post some them on my website along with great articles by other authors on similar topics. This approach offers a more rounded perspective for those seeking info on 24 7, Master slave and TPE living, rather than just tooting my own horn. Check it out at http://www.slavedemona.com "

Sadie: What motivated you to start the APeX North Country Munch?

demona: "As Sir R and i became more intimate with the membership of Albany Power Exchange, we came to realize that many of the 300+ members were our neighbors in the North Country. We thought it would be wonderful to provide the same safe, fun loving and nurturing atmosphere that APeX provides Albany, right here in the Wilds of Upstate New York.

"We chose to partner the North Country Munch with APeX because we have been so impressed with the sanctity, support and enjoyment APeX provides their Membership. The affiliation between the North Country and Albany communities was a natural!"

Sadie: How would you describe your job as leader of North Country Munch? How would you describe your group?

demona: "Hmmm... Job? Leader? Those arenít terms i really relate to! We are having too much fun to see it as a job! And our egos just arenít that big to coin ourselves 'leaders.'

"We see ourselves as individuals on the same playing field as everyone else. Every participant is a leader in their own right. We just happened to have the time, resources and motivation to put this particular event together. The event itself is warm and inviting. The location we chose has a very comfortable atmosphere including a fireplace, pool table and the best-darned home cooked food youíve ever tasted! The people who attend are what really make the event so great!"

Sadie: What do you feel are the characteristics that make you an effective leader?

demona: "Again, i have to say that Leader isnít a term i personally relate to. Itís outside of the scope in which my Owner permits me to view myself. The characteristics that make me an effective friend are commitment, integrity, honesty, dedication, desire to hear what others are REALLY trying to say, and of courseÖ. objectivity. i understand that these qualities are integral in effectively managing relationships of ANY kind."

Sadie: What are your hopes for North Country Munch down the road? And special projects?

demona: "i hope the North Country Munch continues on just as it has. It is a warm comfortable atmosphere with great food, conversation and friendship. Who could possibly ask for more?"

Sadie: Being a leader affects not only your group members, but yourself. How has your leadership changed your BDSM practice?

demona: "my world is defined and dictated by my Owner, Sir R. In our relationship, my sole responsibility is to maintain what He dictates is appropriate for me. Everything else is peripheral for me, including my involvement in Community.

"Committing time to the community whether as an organizer or a participant, always means that time must be donated from some other aspect of life. We strive to find balance between Ds, Family, Career, and Community and make adjustments as necessary on the fly. Since TPE Ds is 'who we are', and not 'what we do', there is very little conflict from external sources that affects it."

Sadie: Any pet peeves about the BDSM lifestyle?

demona: "Nope."

Sadie: How do you see the Albany community changing as more and more BDSM groups become active?

demona: "There can never be too much of a good thing. Emphasis on the word *good* Not everything available out there is healthy for people. Thereís a lot of misinformation and a lot of people trying to peddle their own agendas. i suggest to all new people that they sit back and observeÖthen make their own determinations about what is right for them. If someone is trying to sway you to buy into his or her opinions, ask yourself 'why?'"

Sadie: What is your approach to educating the greater community in Albany? What are some of the things you've been involved with that work toward this? Challenges?

demona: "i am just 'me' and am always willing to offer up anything that can be helpful to someone else and within the boundaries Owner defines for me. By providing safe recreational and educational events for people, APeX pretty much has this corner covered. By supporting the local community and APeX events, i am supporting the very people who make this a community. The Members."

Sadie: Anything else you'd like to add? Please feel free to write about any particular topics of your interest, as well as promote yourself in any way you like.

"i am a huge advocate of promoting sexual freedom and eliminating disinformation about BDSM lifestyles to Joe Vanilla Public.

"Sir R and i encourage others who are able, to share some of their lifestyle realities with loved ones who are able to understand. As a means of disseminating information and promoting tolerance. Sometimes approaching things slowly, bit by bit...allows vanillas to become more open-minded.

"We have been pleasantly surprised at how tolerant the vanilla people in our world have been to our life choice. We come out to people in baby steps, always allowing that person's body language to convey their comfort level with what they are hearing. Many small steps make a mile eventually, and we are now out to our families, friends, careers, communities and more. We feel happier about not having to hide this fundamental part of our life, and those around us are further empowered by having an accurate portrayal of what this lifestyle is really about.

"Hopefully, those of us who ARE able to stand up and share, are carving out a more tolerant environment for those of us who cannot. We hope that those people will suffer less discrimination and fewer adverse affects as a result of their personal life choices!

"i encourage anyone with questions about our experiences of 'Coming Out' or 'TPE Lifestyles' to contact me, as i always enjoy a good chat. i can be reached at demona@slavedemona.com or slave_demona on Yahoo Instant Messenger.

"Thank you for taking the time to interview me!"

Sadie: Thank you for speaking with me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you enjoyed this interview, read more SCENEprofiles with BDSM personalities on Sadie's website at www.sensuoussadie.com

Sensuous Sadie is a columnist and edits SCENEsubmissions, a free e-newsletter featuring articles and interviews on BDSM and Spirituality. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com . Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications