Sensuous Sadie Starts Negotiating the 24/7 - Part 2
by
Sensuous Sadie
I
am a little over a week into negotiations with Tyler for a 24/7
relationship. Our discussions have stalled, leaving me with many
questions, so many questions.
I
have played in plenty of scenes, where a short negotiation to
determine the general sway of things was sufficient. My Dominant
would sit with me for a bit, ask about my boundaries, needs, fears,
and the rest. What things have I not yet experienced but want
to? What's on my NO list? What health issues do I have which might
affect play? Where do I come into this emotionally? What do they
want from me as a submissive? I have been in a few longer-term
relationships, where these same conversations stretched out for
a few hours. These same questions loom even larger, and take even
longer to process when it comes to the intense commitment of a
24/7 situation.
I'm
pretty forthcoming about these things; I have no secrets. Usually
the answers come easily, and we can always negotiate further as
things come up. For every hour spent in play, there are two hours
spent in life: cooking, cuddling, conversation. Plenty of time
to process any new issues.
But
with a 24/7 arrangement, things are so much grander. I must have
sufficient trust and faith in this person to turn myself over
to him completely–mind, body, heart. This intimacy is an entirely
different beast than the here-or-there play. There is a greater
emotional vulnerability, not just because of what I'm giving to
him, but because I don't already know him well enough to know
how he will handle the emotional part. And we all know the emotional
part is the hard part.
I
imagine a 24/7 negotiation will be a number of discussions over
time, a flowering foundation which solidifies and deepens until
we are ready to take the plunge. There are so many things to get
out on the table before it all starts. After we are enmeshed,
it will be harder to renegotiate. I don't want to be yanked in
and out of subspace in order to figure out how the grocery bill
will be handled or whether or not he can have another submissive
in the upstairs bedroom.
I
have a few fears, but not many. I look at this as an opportunity
to experience a transforming connection with myself, with him,
and with my spirituality. My sex life is fairly negotiable, and
in fact I have sampled many of the flavors of BDSM. But my economic
life, my private life, my spiritual life are not negotiable. How
will we work out a compromise in these areas which are so foundational
to my life?
More
importantly, will he know how to handle things when emotional
issues come up, for they surely will. Is he grounded enough to
manage not only his own feelings and needs, but mine, which will
be so much more tender in this situation? With some of my autonomy
given up, will I be able to distance myself emotionally if I need
to? If I am confused and lost, will he be able to lead me out
of the woods or will he opt out?
Tyler
has his own fears; he is afraid I will fall in love with him.
Is this born out of a fear that he cannot handle love? I have
only fallen in love with one of my D/s partners in the eight years
of being in the lifestyle, but even so I cannot give him any guarantee.
Or can it be that Tyler is afraid of falling in love with me?
At
this moment I am a wee bit infatuated with him, actually not him
so much as with what he has to offer me. It's natural, I suppose,
because this is the first time I've been so close to these fantasies
coming true. But is that "love?" At 20, I might have
confused infatuation with love, but not at 38. I wonder, if he
is so afraid of love, does he have the emotional maturity to handle
the Dominant responsibilities of a 24/7 relationship?"
I
know there is a shadowy love-like realm when one is in a D/s relationship.
The feeling of total trust and dependence which comes with deep
submission can seem like love, I've felt it. But in the light
of day I could always see it for what it was, a toss-up of lust,
submission, and passion. If only there were a word for this transforming
magic.
One
of my Dominants, Ryan, understood this phenomenon. He understood
the depth of submissive vulnerability and dealt with the emotional
pitfalls responsibly, as submissives need from their Dominants.
When he saw me teetering on the edge of falling for him, he'd
sit me down, and have a gentle talk with me. Master Ryan knew
himself, and in his knowing was unafraid of me or anything else.
Tyler
is afraid that after the three-week 24/7 contract I will want
more from him than he's prepared to give. But I wonder, isn't
it natural to want an ongoing relationship with someone who has
taken you to the deepest place? Would I want to go there with
him even once, knowing that precisely at the three-week mark,
everything may stop cold? Even if it was not love we had, but
instead a caring commitment of another sort, wouldn't even that
suppose some kind of ongoing conversation?
We
started negotiations last week, but as of this writing there has
been no meaningful communication for many days. Is he just plain
thoughtless to leave me hanging? Is he paralyzed by the reality
of negotiating? Has he gotten himself in too deep and now doesn't
know how to proceed? I may never know. Regardless of the reason,
do I want to risk myself for someone who cannot reach back to
me when the going gets tough?
So,
I'm guessing things will not go ahead. I'm guessing that while
Tyler has two years of training as a Dominant, with paddling and
bondage galore, in his heart he is not ready for something with
such a strong emotional component as is central to a 24/7 engagement.
I still don't know where this will end up, but I'm staying open
to the possibilities. For now I will just be present to the limbo
state of negotiation; after all… it has only been a week.
Postscript
I
had hoped Tyler and I would be able to negotiate something workable,
but soon I recognized our goals were not in alignment. Our beliefs
about communication differ widely in that I believe communication
is the foundation of any relationship, doubly so for the D/s persuasion.
I can't say quite what Tyler's perspective is, but it is not the
same as mine.
Nevertheless,
our negotiation was successful in that we both discovered what
we need to know about the other person. Although I didn't like
Tyler's style of communication, I can't fault him for making different
choices than I would. People often think a "negotiation"
must lead to the desired goal to be a success, but in fact the
negotiation is designed to provide sufficient information to make
a decision. It's too bad I couldn't commit to any further play
with him, but I do not regret having experienced this first negotiation,
regardless of the outcome. And I will always appreciate the opportunity
he gave me to get in touch with this deep desire.
Perhaps
something else lies ahead for Tyler and me, but for the moment,
this story is complete.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sensuous
Sadie is a BDSM columnist and edits SCENEsubmissions, a free e-newsletter
for the New England area and beyond. She is the founder and leader
(1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group.
Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for
reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or
visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the
universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part
of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most
venues.