My first summer in
Vermont I discovered Alberto selling collectible books at an
outdoor flea market. Even as we flirted in the bright summer
sunshine, he impulsively grabbed me and kissed me. I was astonished
by a stranger kissing me, and took him as a lover that very
weekend. Alberto was a lady's man, a man who loves women, who
loves to please, and that pleased me.
I hung with Alberto
because he liked rough sex, or at least he liked rough sex with
me. I knew he did the slow hand thing with other women, but
his dalliances didn't distract me any. He was the closest thing
to BDSM when BDSM was just wishful thinking for me.
I have another lover
now who is a lot like Alberto, although discovered under the
aegis of the D/s community. Jeremy is one hell of a lay, and
likes to please, too. More rough sex. Sometimes play rape scenes
on the livingroom carpet. Sometimes the "39 steps"
where I get a flick of tongue, a pat on the fanny, or a soulful
kiss each time I took another step up. A lot of positions and
a lot of hair pulling; a bit of rough and tumble as they used
I like it well enough,
although it doesn't seem much like BDSM to me. Jeremy thinks
it is, though because he's a novice Dominant, and for the novice,
moving from regular sex to regular sex with a spanking is BDSM.
I don't argue with him. Let him have his delusions, as my mom
used to say. They'll be forfeited soon enough.
Jeremy is also laboring
under the misconception that after six months in the lifestyle,
he has graduated from novice to intermediate. Maybe ten rolls
in the hay with me plus some on the side. But does this a Dominant
make? Perhaps, perhaps not. Depends on his state of mind I suppose.
As I see it he was a great lay as a novice, and he's still a
great lay as an "intermediate." But this still ain't
I hope I'm not being
too hard on him. I suppose some of my confusion stems from the
night I first met him at a party. Just before we all went home,
he knelt and laced up my party boots. His own submissive side
is so close to the surface that I cannot easily see the Dominant
he says he is. He's a switch, but to me his submissive side
is what resonates. Maybe I'll always have that image of him
in my mind, his soft grey eyes, bedroom eyes, gazing up at me.
His dominant style
is not too different from his submissive style, pleasure oriented.
He does whatever he can to make me happy, focussing wholly on
giving me pleasure. The result is my feeling his submission
to me, even though technically he's dominating me. He may be
tossing me over the kitchen table to do me, but he's doing it
because I want it. I'm not really sure what he would do if left
to his own devices.
I wonder if there
is a such a thing as "dominant" dominance and "submissive"
dominance. In theory, if Jeremy wants to caress me all night
long, it's my job as submissive to go along with it. Not to
mention it would be ludicrous to complain about too much. But
somehow, something is missing and I'm not sure what that something
is. There are touches of bondage, pain, control, but all hesitating,
not followed through to someplace where I might forget myself.
Never beyond lighthearted. There is more, but he's not there
Rough sex can morph
into BDSM, but where does one become the other? Fuzzy, very
fuzzy. A novice or an intermediate? Depends on who's doing the
measuring. A dominant Dominant or a submissive Dominant? Both
or neither in the novice explorer. Is pleasure enough? No, not
What is refreshing
about Jeremy is that he is joyful and unfettered by "shoulds."
He is a welcome change from some of the lifestyle folk who take
BDSM so darn seriously. Together we gossip, we tickle, we giggle.
Yes, we fuck. A lot.
Jeremy has no philosophy,
no construct, no style. Not yet. Rather, he is present and rapt
with passion. He kisses me impulsively, slides his hand into
me, leaves me breathless. Maybe not BDSM, but enough to take
him as my lover this weekend, and maybe longer.
Sadie is a BDSM columnist and edits SCENEsubmissions, a free
e-newsletter for the New England area and beyond. She is the
founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's
first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well
as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com
or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes
that the universe is abundant, and that sharing information
freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of
her writing in most venues.