November/December 2001
The importance of focus for a submissive
by gayden


What is "focus"? According to one definition in Webster's, it is "to produce a sharp clear image." That's a pretty good definition, but sorely lacking for use in the BDSM community. To circumvent any misunderstanding, these views are my own, so take them as they are intended -- to assist the submissive in understanding the importance of focus in her/his relationship with their Dom/me.

"What is your focus?" This sounds like it could have many answers: to reach deep inside myself; to be everything i can be; to learn and absorb; to rise above the mundane and become who i want to be. Those are good things for a submissive to think about, and strive for -- but they shouldn't be one's focus. As a submissive, one should have only one focus: to please their Dominant. That's it.

Now, pleasing one's Dominant can take many, many forms - and should, for each relationship to grow. No one thing can be pleasing to every Dominant. It is the submissive's job to know what their Dominant finds pleasing. Ask questions, learn what One likes, and especially dislikes. Focus...focus on One. The submissive has made a choice to serve his/her Dominant -- so serve them.

When a submissive loses focus, that's when things start to go wrong and mistakes are made. In every action one takes, stop and think about how one's Dominant would view an action, as if the Dom/me were there. If it doesn't feel right, or if one can't be absolutely sure that the action won't cause concern/anger/disappointment, then for goodness' sake, don't do it. Keep focused.

Communication, trust, and respect are so very important in the D/s lifestyle. These are the tools that both Dominants and submissives use to enrich T/their relationship. Each has a different focus, and as long as it is kept in the forefront of O/one's mind, then the journey forward has far fewer potholes.

And if one loses one's focus, stop. Take some time to find it again - if that means having a long discussion with one's Dominant and clarifying issues, then that's all the better. It takes a strength of character to maintain focus all the time, that's a given, but growth demands it...and so does one's Dominant.