Life As I See It
by Randy Burns



Interviewing T-Girl, Tawni Bonds

RB: Why do you think you began to cross-dress?

Tawni: I am pretty sure that it all started when I was about 6 years old. My sister and her girlfriend, who were about 7 years older than me, were supposed to baby-sit me. I remember that they wanted to use me as their dress-up doll. They chased me and caught me, and forced me into an old dance suit - tights and a Danskin top. I kept struggling, so they also tied me to a chair and put make-up on me. At the start it was pretty horrible, but I can distinctly remember the feel and smell of the clothing and make up. I remember that it made me feel very good. That the tight, constricting feeling of the clothing also felt wonderful. After they released me, I eventually kind of stole the dance stuff and hid it. I would sneak out and put it on. It always made me feel just great. From that day on I would try to dress up in secret somewhere. Being a kid it was hard to find the places and the clothing. As I got older, whenever my Mother left the house and I was alone, I would wear her clothing - she was a nurse, so there were a lot of white uniforms, white stockings and little white hats. She had a lot of other very sexy stuff too, garters, high heels, furs and so on...

What is also interesting is that I began to challenge people to tie me up saying that there was nothing I could not get out of. My older brother used to tie me up a lot and I found that I could always escape - and that disappointed me a bit. He never found out about my dressing, however.

Now that I am older, I find that the sensations of dressing are what I crave. The smell, look, feel of the clothing and make-up just arouse me deep inside. The sound of the jewelry, the heels on the floor. It all just works some kind of magic on my inner soul. When I am dressed, I feel so complete, powerful and very, very relaxed. To that end, if work is getting very stressful, dressing at night really helps me unwind. It also seems to release a different kind of creativity in me, and that creativity is extremely useful in my work. So during the day I sometimes slip into my female persona to solve a problem. It has been extremely beneficial to the male me to have a female to fall back on. And that becomes habit forming as well.

This female I speak of is not the swishy, flamboyant, gay transvestite, but a real woman who is smarter than real women because of her point of reference as a man. So she knows what the guys are thinking and why they are doing what they are doing - for the most part. Tawni is extremely powerful, but kind and sympathetic as well.

RB: And you enjoy being a beautiful slave?

Tawni: The slave part, or "sub," as I prefer to call it, seems very obvious to me: From the start I was tied up and forced into this. That meant I was not responsible for it. The guilt and horrible feelings of being a very sick human, not being normal, being a huge disappointment to my family for wanting to be a girl were forgiven? Absolved? by the act of someone else forcing me into it.

Also, being bound and not free of will, also means no responsibility for your actions rests with you. That means you can do things you would only keep secret in your head out in the real world - guilt and responsibility free! It is fantastic!

Another facet of being a sub, is that in my drab world (my male day to day existence) I have a great deal of responsibility, both at work and at home, but when I am a sub I have only one thing I am responsible to do - carry out the orders of my Master. I need not think, decide, plan, prepare, order, worry about or care about what I am supposed to do. I can relax, sit back and enjoy the entire experience.

As I have matured, and come to terms with this seemingly inferior position and my need to be a woman, I have found that it is actually the Sub who controls the scene. It is me who can make the Master so happy and erotically pleased. I can (with the use of safe words and lots of understanding before anything begins) define the limits of what I will be told to do and stop the action at will.

So, in the end, it's the best of all worlds. I am adored, sought after, pleased, bound, told what to do and when to do it, all guilt free!

RB: Power Exchange, what do you like about it most?

Tawni: Well, in the power exchange, the thing I like most is to give my power away to a deserving and safe Master. I do set limits on things I will not do - for example, I do not like bathroom things - urine, scat, all that stuff. But I love to be tied up and gagged. I love many different positions: Ankles together or ankles to a spreader bar and forced far apart. Arms bound together behind my back at the wrists and elbows and bound over my head - either together or spread apart. I love to be gagged - either with a ball gag or a scarf. And lately I have been introduced to a ring gag - which keeps your mouth open, but doesn't obstruct it with anything. You just can't move your jaws. Once bound I go nuts if my Master knows how to handle me. I love soft light caresses of my legs, torso, arms, neck. But what truly sends me into spasms of uncontrolled writhing is if they lick, suck, caress, or lightly tweak my nipples. And for me this could go on forever. I need nothing more. An orgasm is nice--but not necessary for a very long time.

A truly good master will bring me to edge of an orgasm over and over again, but never let me climax until the game is to be over. Sometimes that could be days! If a Master gets me going, I lose all control and inhibition and it is at that point that I will gladly do almost anything they ask of me. I should point out to you, Randy, at that point I struggle to get at your manhood. To give you the most incredible, sensual, erotic, and deep orgasm you have ever had just using my mouth and fingers on you. If I'm still bound at that point, I love it even more.

Also, and back tracking a bit here, dressing up extremely hot and sensual and going out before the real play begins, is very sensual to me as well. And if the master tells me what to wear and then takes me out to show off, tease and flirt well?.it is a heaven that cannot be described. And if I am wearing the Master's collar it is even better.

Notice that I never define the sex of my master? That is because I prefer guys and girls. Both have their own special qualities to love, fondle and appreciate.

I also love to look at, or have pictures taken of me while I'm bound or in servitude. That is hot as well, if it is erotic and not gross.

RB: What has your life been like?

Tawni: The life I lead is very frustrating because of two different aspects: First, if I were a real girl it would be so much easier. And second: It is 'a secret kind of could ruin your life if it got out' kind of thing.

If I were a real girl I would have a much larger group of people to choose to be my Master. I could also choose to live the life 24/7 - which I would. Also, as a real girl, I would have the ability to cum several times and still be ready for more, but as a guy I find as I get older I must pace myself. That is--if I have an orgasm it is pretty much over. The heat and desire seem to wane a bit. That is extremely frustrating and infuriating to me. Also, if I were a real girl, the kinds of bondage in which I could achieve an orgasm are more varied, and frankly more erotic looking.

For the second part, if I was ever discovered by my co-workers to be a cross-dresser, things would become very difficult for me. It is actually more acceptable to be into bondage than it is to be a CD! But to be a CD into bondage, and into being a SUB at that, would ruin my career. So discretion is a large part of my life. I am constantly having to suppress urges and watch how I am sitting, walking, talking, and where I am looking. I see girls all the time that are wearing clothes I would die for and having to pretend that I am interested in the girl instead. I see all kinds of things that could be used for bondage that excite me. I have to suppress that, instead of going up and asking the person where they got it and how it feels.

So, the life is by necessity, very secret, shrouded, private, and ultimately lonely because it just isn't mainstream.

RB: Your take on alternative sexuality, and if you want to do it 24/7?

Tawni: I love my sexuality and the life I have chosen, even though it has its numerous drawbacks. I definitely would do it 24/7 in a heartbeat. But that would mean having to turn my back to my friends, career, family and all. I only wish I had discovered it all when I was 17. Because then I would have had the operation and moved into the SUB life full time. But now, as I am just hitting my late 30's / early 40's/ I fear that it is too late for me. So I just do what I can do and live with the unsatisfied feeling 24/7 instead. The one great thing for me is at least in my head I can do what I want, where I want and when I want. And of course, the Internet has opened up many doors for me. If it had been around when I was 17 I would have learned all that I needed to know and done what I have always wanted to do with my life: Be a woman and a full time SUB.

On a slightly different approach to this question I would say that my view on all this is that people are so double standard that it's sick and unfair. They crave to tie me up and cum on me, but outside of that special pact they are loudly denouncing my 'types' for being sick and perverted. What's is that? Why can't I just dress the way I want too? I look 'hot' in a skirt. Who really cares what and why I wear what I do? Who cares if I love to have a man's sex in my mouth or a woman's at the tip of my tongue? What difference does it really make? If I believe that my life would be wonderful, fulfilling, and my work would be better and the world a better place as well - if we all got to do it - as long as no one got hurt. Know what I mean? It brings me to tears.

RB: Give insight to your urges and what they may spring from. Why do you love it so much?

Tawni: I believe that I have answered this question already.

However, I will add to the mass above that I love it so much because it frees me from responsibility. Being a girl is a very odd thing - you are loved for your beauty and sexual talents (as shown by how hot you dress, I suppose) - and yet you are raised to be subservient and with the expectation that you will live to keep a man happy. Yet all the while there is the message that you have no power - which is ridiculous because you have all the power. Yet if you begin to use the power like a guy would, then you're a terrible bitch -ball busting cunt--and so on. However, if you use the power the way girls in the movies use it, through sexuality, you're a slut. Well, I choose to be a slut. That kind of power - beauty and sexuality - is very fulfilling. And as a sub you get to use it all the time, seducing and controlling the situation through the apparent passive role. It is really a marvel!

RB: How do your feelings change as you go through the transformation into a sexy woman?

Tawni: The process of the transformation has taken on an almost religious aurora. It is the process of transformation that is the best part of the whole thing. In the process I cast off all my real life chains and bounds of responsibility and being in control.

At first I am filled with a tinge of guilt and embarrassment, excitement and fear. But as the process progresses it all drops away, and a Zen-like state of peace and tranquility falls over me.

Let me describe my process. I get my suitcase of female things. I spend a few minutes choosing what I will wear ( and then go through a clothes fit because I have nothing to wear). I sip a glass of red wine as I do this, by the way. Once the clothing is selected and laid out, I take a hot long sumptuous bubble bath. Relaxing and luxuriating. Candles adorn the tub and terrific music is played.

Next, I begin to shave my legs - just like a scene out of the movies - my long, firm and shapely leg rises out of the water, glimmering in the candle light, to be shaved before submerging back beneath the frothy bubbles.

After drying off with a thick, soft towel, which I wrap around my torso like a woman, I step into the foundations of my clothing - working the stockings slowly and sensuously up my leg and attaching the garters, bra, and then my beloved corset. This corset shapes me into the female I long to be. It feels like I'm surrounded by strong arms and they are holding me up, making me stand erect and elegantly. Next, I slip into my 5" stiletto heels and float into the bathroom to shave my face - which I hate doing in both lives - male and female. ( I tried to have my beard removed with a laser but it was not very successful).

I begin to apply my make-up - the smells and silky touches of it and the applicators are fantastic! And to watch the transformation in the mirror is so erotic! When this stage happens--time seems to move me into another existence. It seems like no time at all and yet the clock always indicates that at least 1 hour has passed.

I put my wig on. I do it in a manner that it becomes a part of my body and cannot fall off or be dislodged, unless someone is really intent on it. It is at this moment that the transformation is complete and Tawni is in full control!

Tawni then slips into her dress or skirt, puts on her jewelry, grabs her bag, finishes the glass of wine and leaves. Tawni Bonds is now full and confident, powerful, the complete SUB woman she has always yearned to be. And judging by the guys and girls responses at the CD/TD clubs, I get anyone I want. That is most satisfying and erotic. Tawni possesses a power over potential Masters, at this point, that's fantastic - and yet - not a power of being in total control. When a guy puts his arm around me or buys me a drink or opens a door for me, I swoon. I find that as Tawni, I totally take on the female role - but somewhere back inside my head the male me is watching. And he sees what silly conversations women must have with men. What they do to make the guy feel like he is the most interesting person in the world. How fantastic he is. How wonderful and romantic and suave and handsome. It is really laughable when you say that guys have the power. They do only as long as we girls play along.

RB: What do the sexy clothes do for you?

Tawni: The more sexy and sensual the clothing is, the more sensual and sexy I become. The tighter and more confining they are the more erotic I become. The clothes totally define the girl in this case. No ifs ands or buts!

My actions come directly from the clothes--the Master gets me started. If the master can just touch any button on my psyche that gets me just the tiniest little bit aroused, I become a total slut and slave and will do almost anything that is asked of me. It is all open at the time and not premeditated at all. It is, I suppose, pure, raw, sex taking over and controlling me. That's beyond words or descriptions! I begin to feel so (for lack of better words) sensual, erotic, powerful, relaxed, aroused, willing, safe, that it becomes like a drug to me. Once is not enough. Nor is 1000 times!

And all the while, inside of me I know who I am. I am Tawni Bonds. A sexual toy, a plaything. A willing partner in many types of play. The real me is finally free to express my own creativity. The male me appears as a shame to myself at these times. He is just a vessel for the super-girl that must hide inside most of the time. But knowing that I have this all powerful secret identity makes it almost bearable. In many situations as a guy, having Tawni inside has saved me from doing something stupid, wrong, or just plain selfish. I am a much better person being mostly female inside a male body.

I often think life is all wrong. The way it should be is that you are born a male. You grow up doing the fun stuff of boys. Mud and dirt, cuts and scrapes, daring-do, tree houses, camaraderie, and so on. About 4-5 years after puberty, you turn into a beautiful female, and you learn poise, compassion, the ability to work in groups, healing, and a larger view of the world that is not "I want what I want when I want it' ( because being female is all about patience and not putting yourself first - selflessness I suppose).

When you become 25-28, you get to choose what you want to be for the rest of your life. Male or female. Then the world would truly be great, filled with peace and cooperation. Everyone would have walking a mile in someone else's shoes.

Please visit Tawni’s website for more fun. Say hello for me, she loves to write you back.

Until next time - goodnight lovers. RB.