by Cléo
Dubois
Dear
Kinksters,
What
a glorious month August has been! I am at the eve of leaving my
cozy home for the wonders of the Playa, the desert magical experience
that BurningMan is…Freedom of personal expression, acceptance of
diversity and community on a grand scale in the desert of Nevada
for over a week. Take a look at Julian Supersnail photographs of
the people of past BurningMan. http://www.supersnail.com/bm01/
or go to BurningMan.com
if you are unfamiliar with this modern tribal phenomenon.
Yes
there is a big SM camp in the desert every year there.. It is named
the Temple of Atonement, created, controlled and staffed by BDSM
community members. We are everywhere!!!
August
10 was the last day of the Intensive 4 day training Sybil Holiday
(co author of Consensual Sado-Masochism and how to safely talk about
it, Daedalus publication) and I offered. Women traveled from as
far away as Connecticut and Utah to attend the course. It was an
honor to work/play with each of them. Each participant faced their
fears, pushed their own limits, and expanded their sense of self.
It was also a challenge for me as well as an exciting learning experience.
We
will offer the training again in the Spring. See http://www.sm-arts.com
for more details on these intimate seminars.
This
evening I wish to share with you some of my "Secrets of Topping"
, being a good bottom or even a good brat. Clean negotiation and
understanding of how the dynamics of a Scene works is essential
for satisfying play, regardless of which side of the whip you are
on!!
-
Consider
Scene time as sacred time and sacred space.
-
BDSM
is playing with control, power, vulnerability, trust, responsibility,
turn-on sensuality, sexuality ,exploration of the unknown, risk-taking,
fear, shadow, secrets, roles and personae, healing
-
The
connection we make with each other as consensual players are to
be honored and treated with respect, might you be a Dom or a sub,
or a switch
-
A
Scene has a beginning, middle, and an end and is filled with peaks
and valleys. Be sure to have a flight plan before you take off!
-
Begin
your Scene by Centering! Ground your energy. Bring yourself really
present to the moment.
-
Tuning
In to your partner. Slow down. Notice how you feel, breathe. Be
aware of your body language, the tone of your voice, the speed at
which you move.
-
Tops:
Observe and touch/ connect with your sub. Take control: establish
the rules and safewords. Teach him/her a ritual position. To Collar
or not, that is the question!
-
Find
the Rhythm of your Scene. Are you flowing with ease in your Dominant
mode? This is a dance of erotic power exchange.
-
Pay
Attention to Details. Is every order you give, clear and precise?
Is every caress of the flogger landing on her/his skin right were
you want it to? Is the service you are receiving to your liking?
If not, can you communicate it to your sub for a win-win result?
-
Transitions
during play: Blindfold? Rest period? Change of Bondage? Contrasts?
Use humor? Surprises? Show that you care? Did he/she please you?
Did you tell her/him verbally or by touch or by rewarding her/him?
Mix the intensity to keep it HOT & SEXY!
-
Allow
yourself to cause pain. Watch your sub’s body language and announce
your intention to cause pain. How many do you want to take for me?
It will please me. State your appreciation and give them a reward
like a soft touch, tease, worship privilege.
-
To
take your partner to a limit and push it, go slowly-stay connected
-breathe together. That is hot!
Hard
Limits: Know what is a hard limit or phobia and what can be challenged.
Be ready to back off without shaming her/him. Most Players want
to be pushed to new places if trust is there. Avoid panic-fear.
Remind of safeword and honor them if your sub needs to use them.
There is a BIG Difference between a hard limit and a " I don't
like it activity". If you should choose to play without safewords
and follow your intuition, please know each other well and do not
break the precious trust you share.
-
End
the Scene: Climax of energy or sexual Reward? Masturbation game
or sex ?
-
Find
closure. Cleo's ritual: rewinding the scene mentally. Each partner
spontaneously shares his/her bliss. Bottom needs to know if they
pleased. Remove collar. SM works on our subconscious: know the possibility
of crashing and self-blame. Allow time for the energy to settle
back. You are probably both high from playing.
-
Aftercare
is important. Tops and bottoms: If you need nurturing, especially
when the play has been intense and/or when you've pushed your own
limits or if you are not so sure the scene was good take time to
process the scene the next day. Get the nurturing you need, but
remember that your bottom probably is not an appropriate source
for this. Call a friend in the scene, talk to your mentor.
How
to Save a Scene that Isn’t Working:
-
You
feel bored, angry, frustrated or manipulated- the energy feels stuck.
Your partner is also annoyed. Stop the scene and address the issue.
Remain calm.
-
Use
I statements like: "I feel that we are not connecting and we
are not enjoying our scene. I need to know where you are at. What
is going on with you?”
-
Take
a break. It is not the time to blame each other. Process later.
-
Perhaps,
the negotiation you were going by was not accurate to the needs
of your partner, your boundaries and skill levels, your desires.
Watch the mood. Is it better to stop or start again? Communicate
with each other.
-
Perhaps
it is a medical emergency that scares both of you, like fainting.
Use common sense, be gentle with each other.
-
Sometimes
your partner may suffer from internalized shame, and lack of understanding
and respect of their own needs and can challenge your relationship.
If
the problems keep occurring related to BDSM or a repercussion of
BDSM play in your relationship, you may want to consult a counselor.
While
BDSM can be therapeutic, it is NOT therapy!
May
you know the sweet taste of the Magic of hot S/M Play!
©
Cléo Dubois, all rights reserved. 2003
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