by Sensuous Sadie

I feel a vibration trilling up from my soul. It is a humming, soft and dark. My nerves are on edge, my head swims. It is not lust or love, I know those things well enough to know they are not this. It is deeper, elemental, and primal. I am powerful and powerless, my blood pulsing through me like a heavy rainstorm.

This feeling with no name is the state of true submission for me, and I have felt it only a few times in my life. Along the way of two Dominants, two submissives and a bunch of one-night-spank-stands, I have savored its flavors from milquetoast to magic. It is a black-tie taste, acquired through grace and a sky of very bright stars.

This week I have asked Tyler to help me experience it 24/7. We discussed doing it for a limited time, a three-week contract which could be renewed so neither of us would feel pressured. This time I want it for more than just a few minutes on a convenient play evening. I want to know what it feels like to have my sexuality controlled, not in a temporary fashion forgotten an hour later, but in a very real, very visceral way. I want to know what it's like to serve someone, not just sexually, but in all ways; not just for the evening, but for the week. I want to know what it's like to really turn it over, not just for fun, but for real.

I want to know what it's like to serve someone of such high caliber. I want him to take me to all the subspace places I've never been. Can he do it? I know he can, at least on the practical level. Does he also have the skills for the emotional wraparound which comes along? I don't know, and maybe he doesn't either. But if he makes that leap, the result will be a powerful dynamic of our interlocking energy.

This is the story of my first 24/7 relationship. But, as negotiations go forward, I've realize my 24/7 desires might not be fulfilled, at least with this person. I'd thought to write about it after the fact, but then it might not even happen. It is common for D/s relationships to burst out of the gate, but falter when life intervenes. I decided to write it anyway because my friend Elizabeth told me that much of the story is in the wanting itself, in the passion to pursue this scary, trembling feeling.

I am no easy conquest. I have my expectations born of Dominants who knew their stuff, I have my position in Rose & Thorn, and then there is my personality which ranges from Diva to Semi-Diva. It's more than most Dominants can handle, and who could blame them? My Dominant must be superior in his mind and heart; he must not be afraid of me even deep down where he thinks I cannot see.

For me to turn control over to him, I need to know he can say "no" to me. I need to believe it completely. Most Dominants cannot do this because my mind, my passion, and my drive are stronger than theirs. It's not because I have so much experience in BDSM, because in truth I don't, compared to many. I have had several long-term relationships with Dominants, but they were all of the "go out to dinner, come home and play, then go home" variety. While the passion was there, I knew whatever it was I was experiencing would be over in a few hours. Now, today, that is not enough.

There are Dominants whose experience is e-based: e-mail, chat rooms, phone calls. That is not enough for me. I need the presence of power over me; I need the comfort of his arms afterward when I cry. Other Dominants have played at a hundred play parties, flogging and paddling until the wee hours, but this is not sufficient either. I need privacy to let go, to allow my submission to soar light and free. Most of all, I need the connection, not just of someone able to tell me what to do and have me do it, but the relationship which makes those things meaningful.

I do not care if he owns a thousand dollars of floggers and whips and cuffs; rather he must have a mind who can see me, really see me. I care little about "play." I need connection. It is one thing to play with someone, but a whole other thing to truly turn it over.

As I wait and we negotiate, I flip from joy to fear. I do not go into this without trepidation. What will it be like to really belong to someone? Will I allow my fears to keep me from being genuinely present with him? Will I balk, struggle against his will? Or will I be able to finally rest, to settle into his hold with a gentle sigh?

If it is not him, it will be another. I have waited many months, even years, and I will wait longer if I have to. This time that dark magic will come by its own power, lifting me up and flying high over the trees of this mysterious and silent night.

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Sensuous Sadie is a BDSM columnist and edits SCENEsubmissions, a free e-newsletter for the New England area and beyond. She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com. Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2002