by Dennis Burns
I look deeply within your eyes,
the tension release with your sighs,
Ever see two people talking together, where the sentences become
more and more truncated, each able to see what the other is
saying even before it is out of their mouths. I am not speaking
of when two people are trying to speak for the other and not
listening to what is being said. I am speaking of those precious
moments when you and another are in near perfect state of harmony
or rapport. It is what it is like when your scene goes the way
playing (working) with another, one strives to reach a point
of rapport with the other, where sublime and subtitle primal
messages are relayed back and forth from the bottom and the
top, slave to the Master. These communiqués are very
powerful as they are ethereal, one can see the interaction from
a distance but not feel more than the energy of that interaction
not the messages or the visceral essence contained within them.
Granted one can appreciate and enjoy even soak up the energies
of those in this state of being. It is very difficult to express
or explain to someone who asks; “how do you do that, and how
can I learn?” though that is what I will attempt to do here.
have been asked as I am sure many of you have been, by those
who are just learning, how can you know what to do next, where
to strike, where to caress, what to say and when to back away.
It comes from experience; yes but that does not say much, to
one who is striving to learn. We do not need to be that Shaolin
Monk mystic who speaks in riddles or the vague obvious statements.
“Patience my son, all things come with time…” Patience my ass,
I’m gonna beat something until I learn… not what we really want
to foster. So I have looked and disassembled what I sense and
why from my own perspective.
it starts with my partner:
listen to them, not just when they are speaking to me but when
they are doing the quiet mundane things as well.
ask questions, yeah the usual ones, and then some more. I wish
to learn what makes them tick, what makes them think they are
happy and what really does.
strive to understand, knowing I am not a mind reader, and that
what I think I know may not always be 100% correct, I understand
that I must adapt my own strategies for when things start to
go south. I watch them sleep, eat, bathe, nothing is too mundane,
for all gives me some more insights about their essence. It
is a good idea to have them do the same with you.
it continues with me:
look at what it is that I want, I look and try to separate the
fantasy from the reality, and because I can want a truckload
of fantasy… well I can. Take polyamory for an example, most
of the world allows for multiple wives or in some places husbands
i.e. Tibet, but just because they allow them does not mean that
the majority can practice it. Fantasy vs. reality, you can have
more than one wife as long as you can provide for both or more,
the reality is that most can not afford it. So I must look closely
at what is truly within my realm of reality.
look at what my partner is looking for, are they looking for
a chance to offer submission, service, sex, or are they looking
to find these things. Granted some one out there may not agree
with me on finding what the slave/sub or bottom are looking
for. That is fine that is your world, I will speak of mine.
Is this scene for a cathartic release, and end of the day stress
relief, a ritual, a sign of their devotion, their service to
me or many other factors and/or combinations.
it is a long-term relationship or a quick play partner? This
helps determine to me what levels I will be working from; a
long-term relationship has a steadier progressive incline with
some down turns as is true in any relationship. While with a
quick play partner, I ask why, what and how hard questions.
I then can bring them to their peak by the answers given, some
need rapid ascents and others need slow build-ups.
the main thing is with all of these things, they still won’t
mean much unless you can learn empathy and practice your rapport
skills, one can have the best toys and the greatest of technical
skills but if you can not feel where the other is at, at any
given time, during the scene, then you will feel an absence,
a void and maybe a new partner.
is an exercise for building rapport, sit across from someone
face-to-face or even let’s say at a park you sitting on one
bench and the other person across the path from you. This can
be done with people you’ve never met; it is also good for PR
people or sales work.
Observe the way that they are sitting, assume the same or a
similar position, do not stare! But if they make eye contact
make contact in the same style as they do. Note the leg placement,
Observe their breathing, match your pattern of breathing to
Observe mannerisms, model or mirror them, do not mock or exaggerate
Soon they will notice you and your body language that matches
theirs, if they speak, observe the way that they say things;
slow and quiet, fast and loud and when you respond speak as
they do, do not speak in the same accent as they may have for
that is not right, you are you and they are they.
Fairly soon you will be able to notice that you are in a state
of rapport with them. You may start to understand whom is this
person sitting across from you.
6. Now do this with your partner and soon you will find that you can sense things by their body language far better than just the spoken word. The spoken word is not to be ignored here either this is an enhancement to the understanding of the art of communication.
Now this is just a step towards building that nonverbal communication between you and your partner, for as time goes on…(yeah I know, I know) you will find that when they move this way it is because that last strike was a sweet spot or a sore spot, when they start to breathe in a certain manner it could mean they are on the verge of tears, or dynamic tension release. Soon you will find that when you have finished a scene someone may approach you and ask: “Sir/Mam excuse me, but how do you do those things that you do?”
Care and be well.