September/October 2002
Who's not very submissive?!?
by dark whisper

“You’re not very submissive, are you?”

Mmmm, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that particular phrase, I’d be able to treat all my friends to a wonderful night on the town, and maybe… spring for limos for the entire group.

I’ve thought about this for quite some time, and have come to a couple of conclusions. The only people who seem to say such claptrap are the wanna-be dominants who wouldn’t know submission from a fencepost, and those who are emotionally underdeveloped to the point that they need to attempt to make others question themselves. Usually these people are either brand new to the scene, or have only “lived” it in the online world of chat, or simply do not understand what dominance and submission is truly about.

They are also the type that tend to think that because they claim to be dominant, it means that ALL of those who identify with the role of submissive are automatically… there to serve them - sexually or domestically.

No, I’m NOT very submissive to 99% of the people I interact with - be they just everyday acquaintances, dominants, submissives, or any combination. Simply because I identify with the role of submissive in my personal and intimate relationships does not necessarily mean that I am submissive to all - or even most. To my dominant, and a few select friends that I respect and honor, I am very submissive indeed. To my way of looking at it - that’s the way it should be. And anyone who attempts to top me (dominant or submissive) without my permission… is fighting a losing battle.

We’ve all heard the phrase: “submissives are not doormats or waitresses.” That is very true. We are not. But neither are we second class citizens, intellectually substandard, weak minded/willed, or inherently inferior to someone simply because we chose to enter into a power exchange with a specific person or group of people.

The other day there was a conversation in the chat room I frequent that left me with a little bit of a bitter taste in my mouth. It began with a question by a switch (who only submits to one, but feels that she is mostly Domme). The question was how many times have submissives or dominants heard the phrase: “You’re not very…”

The responses were varied, as they always are, but then denigrated into the usual - passionate opinions forcefully voiced. ~chuckles~ I love these types of discussions, as they allow me to see several things: What others believe and why; how the viewpoints may differ depending on if the speaker is dominant, switch or submissive; how much a particular person’s thoughts parallel my own; and how well they (dominant or submissive) handle themselves in a situation where there are other, equally passionate opinions that might show another viewpoint.

That was great. ~a slow grin~ but what caught my eye, and caused me to question what was actually meant, was the following statement: “Personally, I think that a Dominant gives 10 times back when We receive from Our submissive.”

Erm… say what???

Hang on there. First off, I had to find out if what she said was actually what I thought she said. It was. I asked if she meant that the dominant is giving 10 fold what the submissive gives in the relationship, and went on to say that my own belief was that dominance and submission was an equal gift and exchange… that otherwise it was destined to fail if one was giving so much more to the liaison than the other.

Her response, and that of two other dominants was that indeed, that was the case. To the extent that it was felt and noticed by the dominant.

I’ve got to tell you, folks, I was uncomfortable with ANY orientation making such a remark. To me, I felt that there was more ego involved than common sense, and it caused me to lose a degree of respect for those who made the statements.

Now, before I get slammed, remember where this article is - in my rant section. These ARE my own thoughts and feelings here, and are not necessarily politically… acceptable.

To me, dominance and submission MUST be an equal exchange of power, respect, caring, and the desire to build up the other - not to give a veiled impression that one gives soooo much more. How can that be attained if one has the mindset that they are the giver and the other is… the taker?

And once again, I am left with the questions raging in my mind.

Is this submission? Is this dominance? Do I understand this concept to the point that I should have ANYTHING to do with it until I do?


I have to say that yes, I do. I also have to say that not everyone thinks the way I do, agrees with my opinions, follows the same precepts, or has the same understanding and belief of issues that I do.

We all have to have some opinions that help to define us as people, and as submissives or dominants. Those opinions are very personal. And are entitled to be held by every single person.

However, that doesn’t mean that you… or I… have to agree or follow someone else’s path. That is the beauty… and perhaps a bit of the danger… of this thing that we do.

Individualism. Self knowledge. Self awareness. And most importantly, the ability to know that for you - what you believe… deep in your soul… really is the right way.

Don’t let yourself be led along a path that is not of your own choosing - with a person whose fundamental belief system is different than your own. It simply does not… can not… work.

‘nuff said. ~smiles and slips away to think some more~