What
is it with online D/s relationships? We go to a room and begin
a lively exchange with someone who seems to match our interests.
We begin to meet up there and soon, we hug and softly kiss. If
all goes well, we go to a private messaging system to continue
our exchange in more intimate and personal tones. Soon, we paint
a picture of one another’s personality, appearance and disposition.
We turn off the computer and lie awake in bed thinking, how nice
it could all be if only….
It’s
an alluring medium, which can create unreal images of all-too-real
people. People online say and do things they generally would not,
and can't do what they normally would. Emotions are either amplified
or filtered. Usually both. Its a lovely way to get to know people
from the inside out. Its also full of pitfalls, just as in real
life. Our feet run after whatever our heart desires, and the only
thing in our way is space-distance. The desire to close that gap
can be more than alluring. It can be compelling and even obsessive.
To
give due credit to the online medium as a means of exploring your
D/s interests; there are several purposes it can serve. For one
thing, it’s a relatively safe place to experiment and to learn
more about yourself, your D/s - BDSM interests and attractions.
It provides a forum to play out certain fantasies without the
dangers that real-life play can entail. Many people desire nothing
more than this cyber-play from it, and that’s fine, so long as
they are honest and don’t mislead another intentionally. Players
of hearts are the most despicable of online creatures. This is
a real and present danger for those who jump too quickly into
an actual D/s or M/s online relationship. If all you want is cyber-fun,
find a good cyber-fun partner and explore till your heart’s content.
But, be fair and honest about the limits of your intensions.
Gimme
more!
Some
people want more than just cyber-fun but they aren’t prepared
to move their interests into a real life experience, especially
at the beginning of their journey into D/s - BDSM. This is an
opportunity to learn about the lifestyle through meeting others
with similar interest as your own. It’s also an opportunity to
experience some of the deeper emotions involved with submitting
to another or topping a submissive. To take this a step further;
it provides the dynamics to experience a more solid experience
through the giving or wearing of an ownership collar. That’s a
pretty special thing for those who desire a deeper and more personal
experience of the lifestyle. For some, this isn’t enough.
Making it work real-time.
There
are some who have found real-life happiness through online meetings.
Real-life D/s couples have been formed, collars have adorned and
marriages have been performed as a result of successful matches
initiating from online introductions, but these successes are
the exception rather than the rule.
Are
there any particular reasons that a few succeed while most others
have failed in their quest for meaningful real-life experiences?
While I’ve conducted no official surveys, have collected no official
data base and therefore have no scientific proof; I can share
with you what I’ve observed over the years about the couples who
have managed to meet their match. Here are my observations:
They
know what they want in their real life and are willing to make
sacrifices for it. The depth of these sacrifices should not be
under-rated. It could mean changing your entire environment. This
includes: Moving away from loved ones and the support you’ve received
from them. Sometimes it means leaving a son or daughter behind
with their mother or father. Sometimes these sacrifices are devastating,
ruining any chance of success the couple may have otherwise enjoyed,
had distance not been an issue. Sometimes people actually do know
what they want and are willing to make the necessary sacrifices
to achieve it.
They
meet real-time first, before diving headlong into a 24/7 relationship.
This may not provide the immediate gratification that a full
time relationship would provide, but it provides time for
each partner to reflect on the experience without the pressure
of having to make it work, or consider it (and yourself) a
failure, as a result of it falling apart. Most often, individuals
in successful relationships meet their partner several times
(r/t) before taking the plunge into a committed 24/7 relationship.
They
integrate with one another’s tribe of family and friends before
they commit full time to one another. Each person has a support
system. For some, it’s a strong and complex marix. For others,
it may be only one or two trusted friends or relatives. If
two people are going to successfully integrate, its important
to integrate with all of them, including the partner’s family
and important friends.
They
have their economy worked out in advance. Before one or the
other relocates, the financial welfare of the couple (and
children) have been worked out in advance. Money problems
have a way of killing the romantic spirit.
They
enjoy common interests outside of the lifestyle. Let’s say
they have agreed that they both enjoy camping. Sounds great
so far, online! It’s surprising how many versions of camping
there are. To one, its a blanket atop the Cascade Mountains.
To the other, it’s a queen-sized mattress and a hot shower
inside a 32 foot motor-coach. This might seem petty, but it
reflects a real difference of tastes and meaning to the word,
camping. Many people like cars. Only a few enjoy restoring
them.
They
enjoy private interests and have made provisions for them.
Far be it from me to say what a Dom (Domme’) should or shouldn’t
allow their submissive. Its not my place here to cast moral
judgments. It is, however, my observation that successful
and enduring relations include room for each partner to enjoy
their individual hobbies and interests.
Of
course, there are many who are not seeking a 24/7 relationship.
Some people wish to participate in the lifestyle without the live-in
aspect. In fact, some are not interested in finding a partner
at all, and for these folks, there are plenty of friends to meet
and events to attend, available through online sources and contacts.
Even
though it should go without saying, it can’t be said often enough:
Whether your preference is for a lighted hearted and kinky cyber-fling,
an enduring 24/7 real-time relationship or something in-between,
be safe and sane about it, and always be certain its consensual.