September/October 2001
Ask the Mistresse

Or "that's My Advise and I'm stickin' to it"

by Lotus Song


Finding a Domme or... Male Submission and the Clue Tree

The biggest question I get is "How do you find a Domme"?

First you must find yourself. What is your motivation? What drives you? What do you want out of it all? These are just a few of the questions a serious Domme will ask you. These and "what do you have to offer"?

The stock answer I get back is that "I have always been submissive and I am very oral." . These subs are not interested in serving, only being done to. And fellas.. those type are a dime a dozen.

I will ask them where they got there exposure to domination.

Most of the time it's just the fantasy stories online or in the book stores. Well, I guess you have to start somewhere. VERY seldom do I run across a male who has read books like SM101 or The Loving Dominant . AH but those Beauty Books!

Female domination is thrilling, exciting and just what you want you will say. But you are only seeing the surface. There is a depth the relationship for it to be meaningful. Gasp! DEPTH???

Before you get too scared, perhaps I should mention the different types of Dommes, yet another thing to consider in your self-discovery.

A first encounter is usually with a professional dominatrix. You make an appointment, go in, give her your little list of what YOU want, she will negotiate what can or cannot be done, you pay your money and have done to you what YOU want. This is merely adult entertainment. You have bought a service. And for some men, that's all they want. They are called "do-me"s.  For this, I am very glad there are pro dommes out there and I hope they make boo-coo buckos.

Secondly, you will find women who see the whole domination lifestyle as a means to an end. They are simply looking for a subbie hubby. They have heard that most male submissives are successful and well off. The domination is the bait. They have learned a few techniques and "specialize". Once you are married, the whole D/s seems to fall by the wayside. It's served its purpose. Now in all fairness, they don't INTEND for it to be like this, but domination is WORK and after a time it looses it's appeal for them. Scary huh?

Thirdly, you have the bored housewife. Here you find your online domination. This is safe and anonymous and where most people start these days.

And fourth, if you are very lucky and take your time, you will find a woman who is dominant in her heart without loosing her feminine qualities (nurturance, compassion, understanding). These women truly love men and have cared enough to see to their core. These are the women you can confide anything in for they understand you. They realize they are part of a WHOLE, not a universe in themselves. They are what they say they are. You will WANT to tow the line for them because they are worth it. Not because of what they can do for you. These women express themselves in dominant play. It's not contrived, it's how they think. Unfortunately, these are the ones hardest to find. They are very selective. They will not try to change you. They will bring out the best in you that is there.

Now boys, here is something from the Clue Tree. Develop some kind of skill. Preferably something personal that would be of service to the Domme, in a selfless manner. These are things like pedicures, massage (non-sexual), music (singing or playing an instrument), hair styling, to name a few. We are not sex-crazed "jaguar women". A lasting relationship relies on give and take in a wide scope of arenas. If she can't interact with you in public to both your satisfactions, what good is there? If all she is to you is twat pie, what good will you be to her outside the bedroom?

Clue 2: Pay attention to your appearance.. PLEEEEASE! One of the biggest turn offs for a Domme is body order and bad teeth. Clean up. Greasy hair and rumpled clothes don't cut it. Expect this from your Domme as well. Remember I said it was both ways? You want to be as proud of her and she is of you.

Clue 3: Yes, sexual talent is appreciated. However, realize that the Domme will train you to what she wants. What was "oral technique" to one might feel you are eating a piece of corn on the cob to another. Show her what you know then listen to her direction. If she gives you something to read first.. READ IT. Set the male ego aside. You might learn something.

For the really new folk who are exploring. I suggest you go to the local dungeons (if you are lucky enough to have them in your neighborhood) or go to a pro dominatrix.

The local dungeons will give you a plethora of lifestyles from which you can observe or be involved. This is a place to see and be seen. A pro dominatrix can run you though the gamut of all those play techniques you've read about and there is no commitment past your purchased time. Do check to see if pro-domming is considered prostitution in your area.

When you finally see what it is you DO want and you have been out in the "kommunity", you will have sort of made a name for yourself. You'll have a couple of references under your belt (hopefully) and have something of substance to offer.

Good luck to you