September/October 2001
My Submission
by awhitecloud ģ

I am a submissive; I have known this for a long while now. Itís the core of who and what I am, and I am not ashamed of this. Learning to submit does not just happen, to submit to someone takes a lot of effort.

I have found myself talking back or even arguing with out thinking, even resenting some things I was asked to do. Yes, this has caused me to question who I am and what it is all about.

So I have started working on understanding myself, looking down deep inside myself. Itís scary and hard work, it hurts and it is where I found out where and when my submission started.

We all strive to improve, and to find that true submissive part of us. I have learned that true submissive part of us. I have learned to forgive myself when I fail. I sit and write in my journal and try to see what has happened and how I can change this so that it does not happen again. I set out to try to learn from all that happens in my life be it good or bad.

I struggle at times with giving up my all to my Master. I resist, push limits, and I am a brat at times. At those times I am growing and trying to redefine who I am, not just trying to be bad.

Attitude is a big thing for me and at times it gets me into a lot of trouble. I was in a R/t relationship that was closely structured when it ended, well it took me some time, then it hit me "I am free." Well for myself this was bad like being 12 and having total freedom, no one to answer to. Now to put back in place boundaries well I resist it some. I do so with out even thinking about it, when I see the signs of this happening, well itís time to ask for help, not just to expect my Master to know that I am having trouble. This helps us both as it gives my Master a chance to change something before it would get out of hand; as well it helps me to stay on track of what I am doing. On line from time to time I have done things goofing off that have gotten me into trouble. Most Doms/Domes have been helpful and have assisted in my learning. They may assign essays or something, which most always makes me stop and look at where I am and what I am doing.

This allows me to grow even more. And I have learned a lot from a lot of them and their helping manner. I owe a lot to them, and they are the ones that have earned the title they are addressed with. None of them had to ever deal with me, most are R/t and understand what itís all about, and they are willing to help others grow and develop. They go the extra mile to help and to guide others and my hat is off to them all. Thank you.

I have lived in this lifestyle for a long while now and I am proud to say that I have seen true dedication from the souls of fellow submissive. Despite true downfalls in their lives, they still have honored their Master and gone on to help others. I wish that their Master could have been there to see them and to know the honor they truly have in him in all they do.

This has caused me to look at myself, given me new goals in which to reach for. It has allowed me to strive to keep going and to stop questioning who I am and why. Just to work harder to bring that ultimate honor to my Master someday. To truly give him that gift of my submission as long as the pride that comes with it. May this be the goal for all-submissive.

Never allow others to interfere in your learning or the goals that you have set. You are the gift and your nothing if you have not learned about your self and your submission. Hang in there and stand for what you believe and what you need. Never stop learning or seeking to learn more. Get involved with others in the lifestyle and learn all you can from them. But always remember that you are being watched in all that you do. And your actions speak louder then any words you speak ever will. All you do matters and it is how your Master is judged also. Make him proud of you and never do anything to bring disgrace or dishonor to him. Think before you act, remember whom you belong to.

Questioning your submission?

This is an issue that I have been dealing with for some time now. I use to think that it was wrong for me to ever question who and what I was, for I am a submissive by nature and itís the core of who and what I am. So why do I question what I know to be true?

Well first and foremost after I have talked with several Doms and Dommes and fellow submissive, I have come to find out that from time to time we all question ourselves. I believe its just part of life and at times we just need to stop and look at ourselves.

I make decisions that may seem right at that time, and down the road, well they just seem so wrong. I am not one that quiets with out giving it my all. I take my commitments seriously to the end, as my word means a lot.

Lately I have found myself just feeling that I am not worth a thing and not knowing just what or how to deal with it. I know the easy ways out, but they are not the answers for myself. So then I question why I am even a submissive to go through all this strife and grief? I am not happy and I have allowed things and others to interfere with who and what I am.

It makes me feel sick. But I guess itís a part of my learning who and what I am. I want to just go away and leave it all, but I know in my heart that I cannot do this. But why should I go on hurting and losing everything I have worked so hard to have? Why do I allow myself to be stepped on and to just take the crap that people throw at me? I have been thrown away and all that I stand for means nothing, but for using it to hurt the core of who and what I am.

Well this is where I was and most of the questions that I had; well I know the answers to them. Itís not been easy to have my world ripped apart and to have it thrown away. Itís not that I longed for or wanted to happen, but it did, so now what? Do I move on and just pay no attention to all that I have longed and wanted? Well the answer for myself is that life must go on and one way or another. I will concur this and I will have what I have worked so long and hard to have in my life.

This has been a learning time and one of making me see different things inside of myself. I was brought up to never give up and I know for some that know me they have not understood why I kept trying to make it work, when I was getting nothing. I know that answer now and it was because I need to grow and to learn something and if I had not stuck it out as long as I did well I would have not learned anything.

Life is not easy and I am NOT a door mate for any Dom at all, and I do take on all things to the fullest. I did not give up. That is hard, as it would have been easy to just walk away at times and just leave it all. Reality hit me three weeks ago, and sad to say, people mess with you for there own inability to have what they see and want. I have now paid the price of my world falling apart because others have not been sincere about their commitments or what they truly wanted. Otherís jealousy has over taken them and allowed them to act and to treat others like fools. I have watched them disgrace their owners with no regards to it at all, and itís so sad. Itís so demeaning to their owners, as they have not even dealt with it and it was allowed to happen in the first place.

But it showed me a lot and itís allowed me to see what part of the lifestyle is about that before I had never truly seen. With out being there I most likely today would still have not seen it. This happening in my life has changed my goals as to what I am seeking in a Master, for I never want to be allowed to act and show such great disrespect to anyone in my life. I never want to Love some one when there is any question left in my head as to if it is what I need or want.

I have learned in the last year how very important what the perception of others in the community is. I have seen it play out and itís something that matters far more then people truly can ever know. As a submissive, I know that it is important, and having seen subís degrade and disrespect their Master leaving them with a questionable repetition. These are not the actions of a submissive. I know that as a submissive I should never do anything to make my Master look bad in any way, and if I do well it would have broken the greatest rule there is and the collar I wear should be removed with out question presently. I know this seems harsh but this day in age doing anything that could lead to the downfall of oneís Master, well there should be no question to the consequences that follow.

Then when I see Masterís just take this action as nothing has happen and they do not wish to deal with it for someone might get their feeling hurt, well I want to just scream. For when or if something should happen and they are in questionable trouble, well what will be there to help them? Not others that have seen the disgrace that the sub as drawn on them, nor the reputation that has been destroyed, do to the subís actions. They will have no one to help him or her do to the questionable actions of a sub.

Well this last month has brought into light something that I was taught when I first started in the lifestyle; about my actions, speaking louder then words when I was with my Master or when I was not. I understood what was said but I never saw its effects until watching people this last month. Now itís a reality of what it all means and I have seen it play out right before my eyes.

A note to all subís, you are in a place where all of your actions matter far more then you may ever think. People are watching all that you do and say, and this is happening even when you are not with your Master. Your actions when you are out of his sight, well they need to be in your thoughts even more. If you are upset or something has happened, please do not disgrace yourself or your Master in dealing with it. Take it up in privite and theyíre only. The perception that others have of your Master are so very important and you doing anything to destroy this should not be looked upon lightly at all. You are a sub and you know your place and with all that could go wrong you need to be making sure that others do not have the wrong perception of your Master. He may need their help at some point and time and they could be the only ones that could help him, and your actions should never take away from this.

Perceptions should not matter, but in this lifestyle they do matter. In times of any trouble, it will matter what people think, for you are guiltily until proven innocent. Yes I know it is said the other way, but the reality of this world it is not, and you need to be thinking about this at all times. Learn some manners and be respectful even if itís hard or you think it might be impossible, save it for a time your out of the publicís eyes. For others are judging you and your Master all the time, and actions speak louder then any words ever will.

So my questioning the core of what and whom I am and my learning over the last month has turned out to be a good learning experience for myself. Itís allowed me to see things as they are, and not the way people wish them to be seen. Itís been hurt and anger but learning as I have stepped through it.

So lets say that when one is questioning all that they are and have that itís the start of a learning time, so pay attention to all that is going on and take notes. One can never stop learning and itís what you do with this newly founded information that matters in the end, nothing more. Seek out fellow submissive or find a Dom to confide in one that you can trust and have known to be upstanding. (See perceptions even matter right here). Note that your actions can change what people think in five minutes of time. Please watch what your doing and letís set out to have a lot of submissive what will never do anything to bring disgrace to their Masters in any way. We can work together and learn along the way and it will never end and itís not easy. But hang in there and look to trusted friends for help, and above all honor your commitments just do not walk from them or bring them disgrace for you never know who is looking and grading you along your way.

I have a long way to go to become the sub that I long to be, but I am a few steps closer at this time. As I watch others and see what their actions have on others, it allows me to set my goals and helps me achieve them as I go. I have also watched a fellow sub do something for a sister that no one else can do. And to know that she is helping others when I know that her life is a living hell at this time well it inspired me to write this and it gave me the courage to take steps back to whom and what I want to be. To see someone hurting and to know that their world is torn apart and to see them still being true to who and what they are, well it said a lot to me. I will never forget what my fellow sister has shown me. The honor that she has brought to her Masters collar, which she wears proudly through this time of heartache in her life. Thank you sis for being what and so many others need. Hang in there and keep honoring your Master no matter what, he should be proud and I am sure that he is.

Please just read this and try to understand that all your actions do matter and far more then you may ever see or know. Someone is watching you and you can help him or her with out you even knowing it. Set your standards high and try hard to honor them in all that you do.

Please feel free to contact me at awhitecloud@awhitecloud.com or awhitecloud@awhitecloud.zzn.com i will do what i can to help anyone, and i would like to know what you A/all think also. Thank you for allowing me to share with you A/all.

Unpublished work © 2000 awhitecloud ģ
Published © 2001 awhitecloud ģ