![]() Is is worth it? You
have met them. You have read the things they write. You have seen
them in the chat rooms. You have talked to them at munches, met
them at dungeons, and sat with them at group meetings. They are
people that preach and talk a lot about how BDSM saved their lives.
How finding BDSM on the net saved their marriage. How BDSM touched
them so much that they left everything to follow their dream of
domination or submission. And
I am sure you have watched their relationships break up. Heard about
their nasty divorces and custody battles. I am sure you have heard
them cry, bitch, and moan when their fantasy lives fell apart. Or
you have known someone that stomped out of the BDSM community after
it all came crashing down and of course it was "BDSM"
that was to blame ... or some dominant or submissive. Or
you may know someone struggling now. Seeking that collar or whip
of gold, throwing their lives away, the kids, their family, everything
they have for this "lifestyle" that they suddenly cannot
live without. They spend all their time in chat rooms playing online
games. Or at the clubs, munches, dungeons ... always seeking, always
looking to live out their fantasy. We
all know someone that fits one or more of those descriptions. Do
not get me wrong, I think it is wonderful that some have found that
BDSM changed their relationships enough to salvage a marriage that
was falling apart. And it is great that some feel that they have
found their rightful place by discovering BDSM. But they are not
the only ones out there. And all it does is make me think of all
those that have lost or are losing everything they have over a dream
of fantasy. To not be the dreaded "vanilla." I
know I differ from a lot of folks within the community, in that
I know I could be happy living vanilla. Hell, most of my life is
vanilla. I am a single mom, my job is vanilla, my every day life
is vanilla, taking care of my kids is vanilla, my family is vanilla,
and I am cool with that. I do not see anything wrong with being
vanilla. And,
I have never felt the need to surround myself with this so-called
lifestyle or drown myself in it. I know that my love for my Master
means more to me than him being my master. So if the day ever came
that he said, "You know what, Rogue ... I am tired of all this
and I just want to chill and be vanilla all the time" ... I
would not leave him, I would adjust, and I would still be happy
with him. BDSM is not a defining or deciding factor in my life.
It does not in anyway determine my destiny or the choices I make. But,
I see my sexuality differently than some I suppose. It is a part
of me, but does not define me. And it is not all BDSM. I still love
vanilla sex. I do not have to be beaten and bruised to get off,
though it is nice! *weg* And as much as I love my Master's hand
around my throat, I would not leave him should he decide not to
put it there anymore. His hold on my heart is much stronger than
that. And
through the years I have seen those that fell for the romanticized
bullshit of the BDSM Romper Room (what I call online BDSM). I have
seen women leave their husbands, men leave their wives, and people
destroy their families because playing in a chat room became more
important to them then their own families and reality. And I almost
allowed that to happen to me in a way. I was never a chat room fan,
but I had a dom that expected me to spend the majority of my time
catering to his whims and not the needs of my children, home, and
life. And
I have watched those that have allowed their minds to prefer fantasy
over reality lose everything they had only to eventually regret
it and walk away from the online bullshit. Unfortunately, dungeon
and dragons BDSM does not pay the rent nor keep one's bed warm at
night. And unfortunately they found that out too late. Kids, spouse,
family ... all destroyed for some fantasy bullshit found online.
A shame actually. I
have also seen couples whose relationships were falling apart find
BDSM and think it was the cure-all they needed to keep them together.
And it worked for awhile. For a few it even worked for years. And
for some it really is a cure-all because it was the culmination
of what was actually needed. But for most it is a band-aid on a
much larger problem that festers without proper attention. I
know it is so easy to talk about how BDSM changed one's life and
how great it is to be a dom or sub, master/mistress or slave, top
or bottom. For some that is true. For some it is a feeling of coming
home and discovering an aspect of themselves that they felt they
had to hide in shame for years. For some, BDSM is a cover, a band-aid,
an escape from a reality that is really inescapable. You can play
for awhile, but everything that was wrong before will still be wrong
in the end. Problems do not go away without work. Band-aids only
cover emotional issues for only so long before they fester and require
attention. Running only works until your legs get tired. Eventually
one must deal with their life and everything that involves. So,
if you are thinking of walking away from your spouse and kids to
chase down that elusive happiness you think your going to find,
think some more. Think about the people you are going to hurt. Think
about the lives you are going to shatter. Think about what you are
really giving up and for what? If
you are spending all your time with some dominant or submissive
online and not in your real life, is that a life? If you are glued
to your computer screen, are you really living? If all your money
goes to fetish wear, cover charges, and gas to and from events,
group meetings, munches, and dungeons ... what about the rest of
your life? Do you even have one? I
do not think so. Copyright © 2002 Rogue. All Rights Reserved
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