In
major American cities today small groups of otherwise relatively
normal people get together to discuss, and to a lesser extent
practice, S/M.
But
wait a minute -- doesn't S/M mean one person who enjoys deliberately
inflicting pain on another person who, for some reason, likes
receiving that pain?
The
answer certainly is yes, but to understand why these people gather
to discuss and practice S/M, you first need to understand the
difference between the old, traditional mainstream concept of
sadism and masochism and the newer concept of S/M that is currently
being practiced in a healthy manner. In the old concept, a sadist
was usually someone who enjoyed inflicting pain on a person who
had not consented to it, and a masochist was someone who felt
compelled to experience the pain though it was usually considered
"sick" to enjoy it. Furthermore, these participants
usually had a significant psychological imbalance or disorder,
and their S/M activities quite often could easily cause long term
harm, both physically and mentally. The people who gather today
to form small communities and even clubs devoted to S/M enthusiasts
are very different from this old concept.
Before
discussing this difference though, let's examine the perception
and image of pain. When most people think of pain, they attach
very negative connotations to it, and the more negative the connotation,
the more likely they are to think the experience of pain is awful.
However, in some cultures the stoic endurance of pain has been
viewed as a character builder, and consequently in such cultures
it is not always thought of as something bad. In a similar vein,
in medical "pain clinics" people are taught to change
their thinking towards pain so that the "hurt" doesn't
bother them as much. Many of these pain clinic patients also report
that as a result of creating a new attitude towards dealing with
physical pain, they have made similar attitude changes and corresponding
improvements in other aspects of their lives as well.
Another
facet of pain is found in the "runners high," which
also occurs in some other sports activities. In this type of "high,"
as a result of exhausting physical exertion people experience
muscle pain that causes the body to produce endorphins, which
is a natural painkilling response. Endorphins are similar to morphine
and produce pleasurable euphoric feelings. They are also a significant
factor in why some people can discover pleasure in feeling pain,
but there are other factors as well. Now back to the new versus
the old concept of S/M. In contrast to the old concept, this new
S/M has come to emphasize the motto of "Safe, Sane, and Consensual."
This means that the S/M "play" is done in such a manner
that will not cause or transmit any long term physically disabling
injury or disease. Foremost is the concern
with disabling muscle, skeletal or nerve injury, and the transmission
of hepatitis and AIDS's viruses as well as other diseases. Secondly,
this means that the S/M play is to be engaged in by participants
who are free of significant mental impairment, whether by psychological
disturbance or disorder, or by mind-altering substances. Then
each participant must willingly consent to whatever S/M activity
that is performed. If during an S/M "play scene" one
person indicates he or she wishes to stop, whether through a prearranged
signal or an outright request, then the other person must stop
immediately. Of course this requires prior communication -- and
people who don't communicate well usually don't do well in this
type of S/M.
(Note:
children cannot give a valid consent!)
One
element of the contemporary S/M scene is also associated with
the safe, sane and consensual motto: respect and tolerance for
other people. Most people in S/M communities act with respect
towards each other even though they may dislike certain aspects
of some members -- this is what is meant by tolerance. Those who
don't follow this implicit rule are usually quite effectively
ostracized from the group. About the only time tolerance is not
shown is when someone engages in activities that are not regarded
as safe, sane, and consensual, or when someone expresses hate
or hostility based on unjust discrimination. Something else also
occurs due to the growth of S/M communities: their members form
close relationships and often these relationships become somewhat
spiritual in nature, much as the bonds that develop between "churchgoers"
can enrich their spiritual lives. Another development in this
new S/M is the spiritual growth from an individual perspective,
whether from that of the giver (the "top") or the receiver
(the "bottom"). This spiritual development occurs as
a result of learning greater self-mastery, either in the sense
of developing the ability to administer pain in such a manner
that ultimately provides pleasure, or in the sense of learning
to approach pain as a challenge to meet and come to enjoy. Sometimes
these two perspectives will be combined in one person (who is
indeed fortunate) in his or her ability to "switch"
between "top" and "bottom" roles. And sometimes
the development of this self-mastery
becomes a varying combination of artistic and athletic statement,
though it usually would be judged extreme by our cultural norms.
But regardless of whether one is a top, bottom, or switch, the
accompanying inner growth brings a sense of satisfaction and sometimes
real joy. Then when such personal growth is shared with someone
of a similar mind in an S/M play setting, and you know you are
enriching the other persons psychic/spiritual life, the energy
between the two people is multiplied in a synergistic effect known
as a "power exchange." This synergy is further enhanced
when the power exchange takes place among like-minded members
of the S/M community. There are also other reasons why people
are attracted to this relatively new style of S/M.
Some
people enjoy its rebellious quality of going against society's
taboos and cultural norms. For many the allure of S/M would be
significantly reduced if the majority of people were openly practicing
it. But there probably isn't much need to worry about this happening
in the near future. And by no means insignificant, the thrill
of doing something that goes against cultural norms, as well as
the stimulation of pain itself, can cause the body to produce
extra adrenaline that can be very exhilarating. Furthermore, for
many people the practice of this contemporary S/M leads to what
many psychologists refer to as "flow." This is a pleasurable
and virtually universally sought after psychological experience
in which a person is so immersed in his or her experience that
to a great extent the "self" is forgotten and time becomes
significantly altered, and the person feels enriched from the
experience. This is similar to the flow experience that artists
and athletes often experience. And just as extreme sports enthusiasts
such as skydivers and motorcycle racers often experience this
enriching state of being, so do practitioners of this new blend
of art and sport called S/M. Though this
style of S/M may be an extreme in comparison to most of what society
enjoys, rather than being "sick," as some people who
have narrow minds would call it, it can lead to a multifaceted
enrichment of one's spirituality.
Lastly
though, safe, sane and consensual S/M is simply fun -- or at least
it should be. If you don't enjoy it, you shouldn't be doing it.
But if you don't enjoy it -- which is fine, not everyone needs
to -- please be opened minded enough to allow others the freedom
to enrich their lives with it. After all, the individual's freedom
to pursue happiness is the foundation that our country was built
on.