by Miss Ayme
Gee doesn't that make ya feel dandy! It then goes on to say that men who like girls like me also harbor a sense of confusion and loneliness because of these interests. Every masculine man with tranz-desires seems to be faced with what was referred to as "g-word" obstacles. "Am I gay because of this?" Or, "What if somebody I know saw me with this creature?"
Not surprisingly, a lot of these guys don't consider themselves gay, but societal pressures will make them feel "less of a man" if they admitted that they were at least intrigued by a pretty transsexual. These poor fellows have no label of their own, no real identity on the orientation scale - cast adrift - not quite straight. But with no compelling interest in other men, they're not really gay either.
Of course, theories abound concerning what drives sexual attraction in humans. Great debates continually rage on the how's or why's of our interests in the same or opposite sex. And with the transsexual revolution now beginning to pick up steam, it becomes necessary to clarify the differences between sexual orientation and gender identity. And it's usually the wise and open-minded heterosexual who'll realize that this applies to them as well. Unfortunately, these are concepts that even the gay and lesbian communities still struggle with when dealing with the transsexual nation.
So, our Guidebook went on about the old school of thought being held that men who chase after Tgrrls are pursuing a latent homosexual or bisexual desire. Such individuals are not yet comfortable being intimate with another masculine male, or never will be. But they see the soft femininity of a Tgrrl as the perfect middle ground to explore this desire. Obviously, with a Tgrrl you get an interesting mixture of male and female elements (the tired "best of both worlds" cliché). Yet as more and more straight men come out and acknowledge their interest in transsexuals, there is emerging data to suggest that their desire remains focused on feminine qualities, with no interest in other masculine males. So, unless a guy just knows otherwise, he wouldn't be classified as gay - and no amount of Tgrrl intimacy will change that. Besides, gay men are not only attracted to the male anatomy - it's the very nature of a man's being that's the turn-on. Since Tgrrls tend to literally go overboard in not acting like a male in any way - we are usually the last thing a gay man seeks.
But this fear of being labeled Gay is valid. It's exactly what the public will assume. But I have little sympathy for that anymore. I know about conquering fear. The interesting part of the discussion was that it then asked the question, "so what do we call these guys?" What do we call this new breed of male who is attracted only to genetic females and Tgrrls? It's not really heterosexual; it's not really homosexual. Not truly bisexual either. But it's certainly unique, and purportedly the fastest growing segment of sexual interest in the world. But sadly, most of these men wouldn't want to date a woman like me. And I can assure you, none of them would introduce me to a friend. I see them coming a mile away, flittering like moths, compulsively circling, as if I'm the answer to their prayers - like I'm some sort of sex therapist sitting under an Open sign?
The whole thing left me feeling a bit deflated and frustrated. Being firmly entrenched in this middle ground, I have to deal with nonsense that society dishes out on a daily basis. Just this evening at the restaurant, I overheard a snippet of conversation as a Tgrrl friend and I were seated for dinner, that "every day is Halloween," accompanied by overly loud laughter. Snide remarks and boorish behavior aside, trying to form a meaningful and intimate relationship only gets harder from there. I mean, it's great to meet a guy who knows the score and that's why he's interested, but when his fantasy collides with my reality, he'll move on to the next girl. More often than not, their focus is on the obsession, the eroticism I represent. Sure, everyone loves to be desired, but I'm left feeling more like a thing instead of a human being that harbors her own desires and dreams.
So more and more I find myself taking refuge in adopting my Domme persona. I find some satisfaction in hiding behind a more aggressive sexuality, yet it leaves me mentally and spiritually incomplete…hollow. Maybe it's only a defensive mechanism against the love 'em and leave 'em posturing I get from the trannychasers. But it does allow me some sense of control in the type or level of intimacy I choose to engage in. And I've discovered that sometimes I like being in charge. It feels safer. But it comes with a price.
Now, I have a lot of personal power in my everyday life. I'm ultra organized, both at home and at the office. I make decisions that affect other people. As part of a Human Resources group in my (large) company, I'll often be the "answer gal" when an employee has a procedure or policy question. All that aside, being a single transgendered person is not without its separate challenges. Naturally, when first exploring my interests in BDSM, one of the things I enjoyed most about our Lifestyle was having the opportunity to give up that power, and to surrender all decision-making to a Dominant. Doing so allowed me to reaffirm my femininity, and bolstered my confidence as a woman.
However, since returning to California last September, I find myself in Top mode more and more, particularly with an eye for the ladies (yes I still like girls). When I meet another woman or Tgrrl (within the Lifestyle context), I almost instinctively assume that I'm going to be the one to drive the relationship (at least initially). And I'm gaining confidence that I can do so. And they respond to that - they pick up on my sensuality and assertiveness, and seeing it wrapped up in an attractive feminine persona, it's a package that appeals to them. And while it's ultimately not my first preference, I do enjoy exploiting (if you will) their submissive tendencies to both our benefit. I can honestly say I've experienced a "one-ness" with a sub while in DommeRole - a totally different sensation and spiritual place than subspace. I liked it. I'd like to go there again.
But in analysis, it's a Band-Aid approach at best to fulfilling my own needs for connection and intimacy. In my quest, I'm discovering a predatory nature emerging; almost subconsciously letting old habits from my past reassert themselves. It's like I'm thinking with my dick again. Ugh! And it's a disturbing tendency, going against the grain of the kind of woman I wish to be, and have worked so hard to become.
The flip side to that coin, of course, is that submissive men pick up on my dominant energy too. And therein lays the quandary - I'm not attracted to them. Rather, it is I, as a woman, who'd prefer to submit to a dominant, masculine man. But when the word gets around that here is that rarest of the breed, a MTF TS Domme, they come crawling out of the woodwork like roaches. It's then that the label "Trannychaser" becomes its most appropriate.
I don't know if you Dom/mes get a lot of this, but for some reason being known as one seems to give these guys free reign to cross the line and act on their desire (latent or otherwise). And suddenly all sense of civility and respect flies out the window. I am forever being asked am I "functional." Not "hello", or "my name is Michael, what's yours?" but "does it work?" Right off the bat I know this guy's one of those obsessive types (not to mention a moron), who would love nothing better than to bury his face in my crotch, and if I chose to tie him up while doing so, hey he's in heaven. If it tripped my trigger, I'd have no problem with that - but it doesn't. Sorry guys.
There's certainly nothing in it for me when I'd much rather be the one in bondage and sexually tormented. (Although the thought has crossed my mind, several times, that I could make a hell of a lot of money off these guys - were I so inclined that is). *sigh* Being trapped between two genders can be a torturous and hellish place. The tug between yin and yang can sometimes make me feel all stretched out like a taffy pull. For despite the growing enjoyment I get in exploring my dominant energy, deep down inside I still feel an inherent need to serve and submit. To maintain a sense of balance, I've learned not to deny the existence of my residual male programming - and to express it instead of trying to make it go away. But in doing so I find that it's becoming an obstacle to finding the type of relationship I hope to have one day. It's as if the more I Top, the more I'm led further away from the soft, girly role I prefer, and further away from the masculine men I'm attracted to.
It's a high price indeed.
Maybe I just need a good spanking…