July/August 2001
Ask the Mistresse
Or "that's My Advise and I'm stickin' to it"
by Lotus Song

Is it D/s or BS?

Over the years, I have watched the "lifestyle" unfold.  I've seen each submissive, their little eyes bright and shiny, looking for the perfect Master/Mistress willing to "surrender all".  Ah! the Fabio covers of the bodice buster romance novels!

Each reading all the books out there  on the subject, each tentatively venturing into the  public dungeons or commercial domination situations. Both are representations of what they hope to find.

They buy their toys and lovingly put them in a play bag for that one day when "He/She" arrives.  They "know" EXACTLY how it should be.

And they wait.  Chances are that the Dominant has read a fantasy or two of his /her own.

So the submissive goes in search of "the One".  Looking for the one person who has all the answers.  D/s has promised them defined roles, no questions, only answers.  Some one will tell them what to do their every waking moment. Someone to protect and cherish them.

This is where the fantasy ends.

Be prepared to find more judgment in this lifestyle among the participants as in any other. You may be found to be not dom enough, not sub enough, not kinky enough and god forbid they find you to be too "vanilla"!

You will be expected to accept all behaviors that others do (not do them.. but be accepting of them.  However don't expect them to be as accepting of yours)..  It's an odd paradox.

Maintain your own selfhood.  Don't do anything that you know you will be embarrassed of in the morning.  D/s does not mean that you abandon your own mores in favor of someone else's.  

In short .. it's rough.  It can be very loving.. but also very mean.

Derogatory terms for women and men are used freely.. sometimes it is in an affectionate way.. other times the lifestyle lends itself well to those who have a need for an outlet for their own man/woman hating nature.

The lifestyle is very transient.  In the beginning, you will fail to see the forest for the trees in your search for the Utopia that is touted.

Long established Dominants will have a reputation that you can draw on.  Do not be afraid to ask questions.  The reliable ones have nothing to hide and the less than honorable will puff up like a Macy's Day balloon and call you insolent that you might ask such a question.  Let the latter one pass.  If it walks, talks and looks like a duck it probably is a duck.

Things to consider:

Does the Dominant have a "revolving door" for submissives?  Get references from past submissives.  Some simply like to play.. others are more deeply into the domination/ submission aspect.  Do not turn off your common sense.

Ask the Dominant how they know what they know?  A book?  A past girl/boyfriend? Went to a master school of some kind on the little bus? It's your LIFE you are putting into their hands. Find out if they deserve the title; Master/ess.

Actually, only YOU can determine who is a master or mistress.  A lion tamer is not a dog trainer.  Both may be masters at what they do.. but only to the respective lion or dog. See what I mean?

You really have to know yourself and another person can not define that for you.

Do they collect slaves?  How do they take care of them?  Observe the ones that have been with them the longest and observe what qualities they have.. do you want to be like them?  Is it you? What is their main function? What kind of service does the master/tress require? Many come into the lifestyle for the kink and tie up with a dominant that feeds their fantasy, then the play aspect gets less and less and your "vanilla" duties get more and more.  Some of them are using the lifestyle to get chores done like yard work.  You get more into the 50's lifestyle.  A Ward and June Cleaver scenario.

24/7 in reality is a fallacy.  24/7 is in your head and how you see things. I have yet to see a slave obviously walking the streets in collar and cuffs to do a 9 to 5 job.  

Don't blame the vanillas for one not being able to do so.  They basically are very accepting.. they just don't want  your sex life or lifestyle crammed down their throats.  They have other things to do.

Don't sneer at the "vanillas". They and their laws will save your butt. It's amazing how all the dominance and submission  "kommunity"  just goes down the toilet when a crisis occurs. The world outside?  You know.. the one you sneer at? They can care less who is Dom or Sub or Top or Bottom.  Always remember, the butt you kick may one day be the one you have to kiss.

Let's be careful out there,