1. THE FIVE
MINUTE MASSAGE - This is a great technique if you need a little help getting
in the mood. Alternate with your partner on massaging his/her front
or back. For example: you start off massaging your partner's front
for five minutes. Your partner returns the favor. Then you
do the same thing for the back. It's the best investment of twenty
minutes you can ever make in your love life.
2. SHOW AND TELL - None of us are mind readers. You need to
show your partner exactly what you like, how you like it, at what speed
and intensity. Simply put: masturbate in front of each other. Not
to mention, for many people, it's a great turn on to watch or be watched.
Which reminds me...
3. MAKE SEX A WHOLE BODY EXPERIENCE - Sometimes we make a bee line for
the genitals and never leave. Not that there's anything wrong with
paying lots of attention and time to that part of the body. But
it's also a great idea to spread the sexual energy all around. Explore
every part of your partner's body. Leave nothing to chance.
During or right after orgasm you may even want to run your hands from
your partner's genitals throughout his or her body in order to spread
the sexual energy. And speaking of other parts of the body...
4. ORAL SEX: A Full Body Experience - Let your tongue wander. Again,
don't let the genitals be the sole target of attention.
5. WHO'S IN CHARGE? - Alternate on who initiates sex. One
of the top male sexual fantasies is for a woman to be sexually assertive
or confident. In other words she's in charge. Done all the
time, that can get old, so take turns.
6. FANTASY EXCHANGE - Have the courage to reveal your inner most fantasies.
And while you're at it, encourage your partner to reveal his or hers.
This can be an exciting and erotic addition to your love life. But
remember, sometimes a fantasy is just that, it doesn't mean you have to
or even want to act it our. Some people don't want to enact their fantasies.
Can they really match your sexual dream? After all, you are the
star, writer and director of your fantasy. Reality can rarely match
that. In addition, your fantasy might be frightening to you partner.
So, what to do...
7. VIRTUAL FANTASIES - Let's say your favorite fantasy is to have sex
with a third person in bed with you and your partner but your partner
finds that uncomfortable? Well, use your imagination. Pretend
there's a third person there. You and your partner can describe
the way that person would look and what he or she would do and what you
would do. Much of the fun with the complications...Remember: fantasies
are a wonderful dress (or undress) rehearsal for lovemaking.
8. THE EYES HAVE IT - Try keeping your eyes open during lovemaking.
It might intensify your connection - emotionally, physically, and spiritually
- with your partner. Which leads me to ...
9. KEEP YOUR ATTENTION ON YOUR PARTNER - Try to keep your focus on the
person you're being intimate with. You might find that it makes
all the difference in how you and your partner feel about sex.
10. HIS SECRET EROGENOUS ZONES - Did you know that at least 30% of all
men find their nipples an erogenous zone? Same thing with that area
between the anus and scrotum. Unfortunately, some men find it threatening
to be touched there, as if were a threat to their masculinity. Gently
touch those areas, gauge the reaction and proceed from there.
11. JOYS OF TOYS - Traditionally, sex toys (vibrators, dildos, feathers)
have been the domain of women. Men are beginning to see what stimulates
her clitoris for example could just as easily pleasure his penis.
Some men feel threatened by a woman who seemingly falls in love with her
vibrator. They fear that they can easily be replaced by that electric
gadget. There's nothing wrong with a woman coming to orgasm with a vibrator,
but she should make sure that her partner is part of the process, perhaps
by asking him to caress, kiss her, or hold the vibrator for her.
12. BORED IN BED? Get Out of Bed! - We can get in a rut by
making love in the same way and in the same place. Try any room
in the house or the backyard for that matter. But if the bedroom
is your principal place for lovemaking, make it a special place... keep
flowers, oils or anything for your sacred space.
13. HAVING TROUBLE EXPRESSING YOUR FEELINGS? Hit the Road - Dr. June
Reinisch has a great idea for talking to your partner about sensitive
issues. Do it while driving. After all, you're both looking
ahead (without eye contact, it's often easier to express your feelings)
and since you're in the car, it's not likely that one of you is going
to run off that easily.
14. LIGHTS ON - Since so much of sex is about visual stimulation,
why do it in the dark? Studies show that men for example love watching
oral sex being performed on them.
15. INTERCOURSE: It's Not the Only Game in Town - I sometimes think we're
too intercourse oriented. It's a wonderful way of expressing your
sexuality, but let's face it, it takes a lot of effort and time.
Some people work so hard and have so many responsibilities, that they
skip sex because of the time and energy commitment. So let's broaden
the definition of sex to include things like mutual masturbation or solo
sex with your partner holding you or caressing you. If we're too
16. WE'RE TOO ORGASM ORIENTED - Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong
with orgasms. But we seem to make it the end all and be all of sex...
as if some how we've failed if we didn't climax. It seems we need
to focus more on the journey than the destination.
17. SEX IS A VOLUNTARY SPORT- Never coerce, force or pressure anyone to
do something that they don't want to do. That being said, take a
risk in trying something you've never done that is mutually agreeable.
18. HOW TO CRITICIZE SOMEONE IN BED? Don't! - Let's face it, we
all feel a little (maybe a lot) vulnerable when it comes to sex.
Positive re-enforcement will go a long way in getting your lover to do
what you need. Say something like, "I love it when you do that to
me." Instead of complaining about what your partner is doing
(that is unless you're being hurt or abused), tell him/her what you like.
19. REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE - Have phone or computer sex with someone
you love. You might find that it's easier to say what turns you
on when you're not face-to-face.
20. HAVE FUN - Sometimes I think we get so clinical about sex, we forget
that it's supposed to be fun. It's adult playtime. Do what
ever you and your partner think is o.k. to put some joy in your lovemaking
- dress up, dress down, use restraints, whatever, just enjoy!
with Bob Berkowitz can be heard live on the web, M-F 11AM-2PM NY Time
or by clicking the eYada link on our front page You can listen to archived
shows for up to 72 hours.
Bob is one of America's foremost authorities
on sex. Every night for four years Bob Berkowitz talked to people all
over the world about sex. Host of "Real Personal," network TV's
highly acclaimed nightly interactive talk show.
Best-selling author of "What Men Won't Tell You But Women Need to
Know" and "His Secret Life." Bob also served as the
men's correspondent on NBC's "Today" show where he reported
on men's behavior and issues in modern society. As a former journalist
and senior White House Correspondent, Bob continues his writing in journals
and magazines. Among his latest projects, is a monthly column dealing
with women's sexuality, which he writes for Women's Forum, published by