July/August 2001
How to Make Your Own Dominant
from a submissive stance

by Caliann

Okay, let me start out by saying that introducing a newbie Dominant to the lifestyle, and trying to teach them about Dominance WHILE maintaining some semblance of a D/s relationship with them is NOT for the faint of heart or emotionally sensitive.  It is a long, tough road with lots of psychological pitfalls and plenty of self-exploration involved.

I met my own Master four years ago.  At the time, his only experience with BDSM was a short stint with an ex-girlfriend who was exploring her dominant side.  He had given it a go and discovered he did NOT like being spanked.  <laughs>  Not surprisingly, he felt he had no interest in those kinds of “games”. 

Then he met me.

At the time, I was a 28 year old, bi-sexual switch who was VERY active in the BDSM community.  I had been in the lifestyle for 9 years, 4 of those years had been spent as a Pro-Domme in Houston, Texas.  (For those that might ask, no, I am not a professional any longer and have no wish to be a professional)   I was positive I had the experience to teach him how to get in touch with his Dominant personality.

Little did I know.  We all live and learn and just as soon as you think you have life down pat, life teaches you otherwise.

My first steps were to buy every book I could find on BDSM and the lifestyle, gather up the books and articles I already had, and bury him in them.  <chuckles>  The poor man had a reading list that looked like the card catalog at the Library of Congress.  However, he attacked them in good spirits and with a good heart.

Next, I dragged him to the clubs, meetings and any other event I could find.  I introduced him to the male Dominants I knew and respected, had him watch scenes and listen to seminars.  I wanted to make sure he had a complete network of people to watch and ask questions.  I also put my “service” side into full force and spent hours researching sites and local materials.

That was the easy part.  Finding the information, reading the information, watching the demonstrations and all the other normal activities one would do when trying to learn something new is almost simplicity in itself.  The difficult part is the human interaction.  Once humans are part of the equation, it all goes to Hades.

Now he had read the books, watched the demos and the scenes, practiced on pillows with the toys, had learned the physical and psychological dangers involved. All that as left was to actually DO it.  Easy, right?

Hhhmmm, now this is where I came into difficulty.  I had never been with an inexperienced Dominant before and my submissive side dug her heels into the dirt and refused to budge.

The difficulties were both common and subtle.  The common issue was trust, of course.  I knew his inexperience and deep inside, I could not let myself go.  Also, BECAUSE I was his teacher as well as his submissive, I found myself mostly in teaching mode during any scene we had.  Comments like “ Twist your wrist just a bit when you throw the flogger and you will not only get a sting sensation, but you will be less likely to wrap” and “Be careful not to criss-cross strokes with the cane, as it will damage the flesh more where the strikes overlap.”

Sounds like a really romantic and powerful scene with all those technical punctuations, doesn’t it?  <chuckles>

The more subtle difficulties came from the D/s interaction and that was where I had the most trouble “teaching”.  My submissive side WANTED to be dominated and controlled, but like most submissives, I will occasionally push limits and tiptoe over lines just to make sure they are there.

That was the biggest question in my mind:  Just how DOES a submissive tell an inexperienced Dominant “You shouldn’t let me get away with that”?    How does one maintain the integrity of that sort of dynamic and still teach one’s Dominant the little ins and outs of the submissive mindset?

Other questions included “How does an experienced submissive get their own needs met when their newbie Dominant is a long way from that level of play and control?”

The last question applies ONLY to switches, which I happen to be one:  “How can I truly submit to a Dominant who is not as good of a Dominant as I am?”

Well, having already done this, I can provide the answers to the above questions.

If you are an experienced submissive and have fallen for a newbie Dominant, let me first give you my condolences.  I am sorry for you.  Now I will go on to what you can expect in the next couple of years.

First, take your own needs, your own submission and all of your desires for dominance and throw them right out the window.  You are not going to need them for at least the next year and your Dominant is not going to be able to meet them for at least that long, if not longer.  If you wish to succeed in this, you will need patience and a whole lot of love.  It is always tempting to push your Dominant into fulfilling your needs, but if you give into your temptation, you are more likely to turn your Dominant off of BDSM altogether.

When it comes to how to tell your Dominant the things they shouldn’t let you get away with, the only way I have found to do it is to agree on a “Stasis Zone”.  That is a time, done with regularity, where you both discuss things done, but that is agreed that all confessions of misconduct stay un-punished.   I would suggest once a week.  This allows the submissive to be open and truthful about their actions and the reasons for those actions without fear of Dominant retribution.   This ability is EXCEEDINGLY important as I have yet to see a submissive openly admit in any other forum “ I did this, even though I knew it was bratty, in the hopes that you would catch it and correct me” even if that is their true desire.  (Note:  Just because I haven’t seen it doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened.  So no letters of “MY submissive has said something to this effect to ME”, okay?)    

As an experienced submissive trying to teach a new Dominant, you cannot expect the same levels of intensity and interaction that you have become accustomed to, so don’t allow yourself to become irritated.  Concentrate on what the “finished product” will be.  It will often be frustrating for you, both in and out of scene, and you must be prepared to make long term sacrifices of your own wants and desires.   No one ever promised it would be easy, however, if you concentrate on the final goal, it will be easier.  If you concentrate only on what you are not getting in terms of BDSM interaction, you will only make yourself miserable and completely frustrate your Dominant.

You will have to also thoroughly look into yourself and decide exactly what you want in a Dominant.  The old axiom “ You can lie to me, but don’t lie to yourself” applies here.  Do you want a Dominant that will control most aspects of your life?  Is what you want mostly someone with sadistic tendencies to scene with or someone who will eventually be your Master/Mistress and own you completely?  Are you wishing for dominance 24/7 or do you want to be more of a “Weekend Warrior”?  These things are important to know about yourself because you have been blessed with a blank slate, so before you go writing on it, know if you wish to write poetry or an essay.  Your Dominant will only be as good as you MOLD them to be.

Realize that your Dominant is going to occasionally have a “kid in the candy store” attitude. "New clothing and toys and furniture, oh my!”.  It’s easy to be condescending during those times, but don’t.  In fact, one of the hardest things NOT to do is be patronizing.  I will give you this warning:  If you allow yourself to be patronizing and condescending now, you will seriously injure your future D/s dynamic.  Don’t make the road any harder than it is, you once had the same attitude and did not appreciate being patronized either.  <smiles>

My final bit of advice is both the easiest and the hardest.  I would suggest that you look around your community, find the Dominant that you trust, admire and respect the most, and ask them to mentor your Dominant.   If you can find a suitable mentor for your Dominant, it will make your own job a LOT easier.  The difficult part of this is there seems to be a plethora in the community of Dominants willing to mentor submissives, but not many Dominants willing to mentor other Dominants.  If you can find a mentor for your Dominant, you will reduce the difficulty for yourself immensely.

I wish you good luck in your endeavors.  Stay tuned tomorrow for part II, same switch time, and same switch channel.

Disclaimer:  Your own results may vary.