May/June 2003
From a Dom's Perspective

by Dennis Burns


Well I keep holding on - to yesterday,
I keep holding on - enough to say -
That I’m wrong -
I keep thinking that I’m lonely -
But its only - missing you inside -
Days that we were once together -
Seems we’re never come alive -
So I keep holding on - to yesterday
I keep holding on - enough to say -
That it’s wrong -
Lord I don’t know when I’ll see you -
I can’t reach you - anymore -…
… - Enough to say that -
I’m wrong, wrong, wrong -
To keep holding on, my yesterdays have all gone by
-Ambrosia “I keep holding on”

“…Why am I searching and when will I know?
All the years that I have waited with nothing to show,
Ready to listen, I’m ready to win,
I can’t wait much longer before we begin,
Time - waits for no one
Time - waits for no one
No on; no one.
It’s time to conceive, and time to expire,
Though the time tricks the dew,
Tells the tale that transpires,
So why must we continually disturb the universe,
With decisions and revisions which admit it, will reverse,
So people don’t worry about when or where it went wrong
For you know when you hurry it takes twice as long…
- Ambrosia “Time waits for no one”

Greetings, this is about “Regrets, I’ve had a few…” no, it’s not Karaoke night in the dungeon. Though, if you have been living in a real world you have run across these self-placed and self-recriminating land mines. The what if, the could have, the damnit, I should haves, and all those other actions or inactions that we have chosen as we travel this path called life.

Now those things by themselves are bad enough but they are an insidious bunch of memories that can and often do cause secondary and tertiary challenges in our life and with those we are currently with. Slowly without warning you may find yourself, acting in a manner that you may not have intended to and when it is examined closer you may be surprised to find it had nothing to do with the person you were dealing with at the time, but someone from the past. It may have been a missed opportunity, or an action that was not received as well as you may have wished it to be. It could have been a path you chose to walk with another and found it to be lacking for one or the other, so, hey it didn’t work then it probably won’t work now. AAAANNNGGG! The buzzer sang! That’s not the correct answer; you run the risk of losing the big prize. You have not given yourself the chance, but more so, you have not given your partner the chance to decide that the choice was not to their liking. This can be a big problem; it blocks communication before it even has a chance to occur. You’ve held a one sided discussion with the other person though physically in the room with you for all intents and purposes their mind and soul are judged in absence.

Some of our greatest joys in life are the memories of times when things went perfect, where it jelled, the gears meshing. Some of the worst times are memories as well, when things went to hell, the scat hit the fan, when we saw our own hand reach from the bowl to pull the lever to complete the flush. The problem is that the good memories are just that, great memories. The bad ones though can reach through time and point an accusing finger, intimidating us down a road that we would rather not travel at times. Now if this is not you, way to go boy or you go girl, …you go… no I mean it you can go, damn it cause some of us other folk have to struggle with this crap sometimes. Ok you can stay if you wish.

I wish I could give you a secret Tibetan mind trick, or the Obe Wan two finger wave, to cause this problem to fade, I wish I could, but I can’t. I can though tell you what I have to do, I have to remember, yup, remember. I have to remember that what happened to me in my past was the result of X + Y and that today, Y is a freakin memory and that in the here and now it is X + Z so the out come may be different. (And you never thought algebra was going be helpful as you got older.)
I have to remember that because I may have made a choice in my past that caused me to lose someone whom I felt was very important in my life. It may not have been the choice that caused the loss. It was the lack of communication skills I or we may have had or had not. If we had communicated better prior to the poor decision, it may never of have occurred in the first place. I have to also remind myself that if the relationship has passed on, to do as I would with any passing of any friend. For if there was a relationship at all there had to have been some friendship involved. When a friend passes on we remember the good and strive to forgive any transgressions or at least let them fade paler than the good things about them. (Hint: Tibetan monks might understand that part.)

I then must remember that if I do not give my new partner the opportunity to discuss the path that I wish to travel with them. I would not really have a partner, they would be nothing more than a warm body because I would have ignored their mind totally.

Ok, now we come to another killer, patience, ow that bites. We hedonists, yeah that is a large group of us, we want it as soon as we can, ok realistically… we want it NOW! What we need to do is communicate and then step back and allow the absorption of the material, allow the other to formulate their own damn opinion, oops I mean their own opinion. Now here’s a kicker, it may not be what you wanted, no matter how much you may despise rejection, understand that it is not a rejection of you, just the concept that was presented. It also may be that they are not ready as yet, ask, they’ll tell you if they just need more time.

Now, I ‘m going to speak a naughty word for Dom’s to discuss, (not really, it’s just the perception), negotiation is another fancy word for compromise, in any family unit there is compromise. Be it a vanilla husband and wife or a Master and slave, it is the nature of the exchange of power. Granted it is in varying degrees to the dynamics of the unit. But it is there nonetheless. I.e. the slave can’t always be on their knees serving their Master 24/7 and the Master can’t be watching the slave in everything they do all the time. The slave serves in many ways even away from the Master and the Master must trust the slave to always be doing their best for them even if separated by many miles.

The two songs tell me a few things:

  1. Holding on to the past is neither healthy nor conducive to conducting myself in the present.
  2. Time, is time, it waits for no one and if I try to hurry it, it’ll take longer to get what I want. (Boy have I ever learned that one.)
  3. Yesterday was just that yesterday, don’t forget it but learn from it, not dwell in it, it is not my here and now.
  4. Carpe Diem (Seize the day!)
  5. If I make decisions within my own head based on my past experiences (i.e. stinking thinking) then I have made an uninformed decision without the input of my partner.
  6. And as my history teacher used to say: those who do not remember the past are doomed to repeat it, well I changed it like many other things to: remember the past, don’t relive it, understand it, review it, modify your actions in the present, if you’ve learned it you won’t repeat it.

Yeah, regrets, I’ve had a few… but my past should never be who I am, it should be a reflection of where I came from, or even what I have overcome. Remember just because you are a Top, Dom, Master or Mistress, doesn’t mean you are not all too human, those titles do not mean that you have to be so stoic as to be unapproachable. You wish, desire and maybe even demand total honesty from yours as to what is within their hearts and minds, so that you may assist in their focus, they deserve to know you and what drives you as well.

Remember, take what you like and leave what you don’t, for these are just the words and musing of mine. If you have any comments or questions please feel free to email them to me using the form below or directly at Thank you.

Be well and blessed be!

Sans peur et sans reproche
(At least I try to be)

"Credendo Vides"
(In Believing, one sees)

“What colour is a Dragon my son?”
“Crimson, Master, Bloody crimson, no matter what doth the eyes say”