times when I wonder who created the mindset that a dominant
needs to always be in control - to be super human, and not respond
to the very real stresses the rest of us have to live with on
a daily basis. Dominating someone is damned hard work, and I’m
not sure I can truly say: “I know how hard it is.” I have a
pretty good idea because even though I try very hard not to
push lines and step over boundaries, I’m just as human as the
next person, and I make mistakes. I have children, and I know
how difficult it is to be responsible for another human being
- but don’t get me wrong, I am NOT saying that a submissive
is in any way childlike or in need of constant supervision.
however, is tremendous - whether for a child, or any person.
A dominant makes the choice to take on many responsibilities
as pertains so their submissive(s). Guiding their education,
their understandings, their spirituality to a great degree,
and so many other issues that we, as adults, decide on a daily
basis. An awesome task.
If the dominant
is secure in their own path, there is less likelihood that there
will be real problems. But therein lies the danger - many believe
that a dominant needs to be domineering. And that is FAR from
terms are not synonymous. There is a WORLD of difference between
the two. Domination is not about lording it over another person,
or being better in any way. It’s about the power exchange, and
control. Those who attempt to dominate through domineering tactics
will soon have a submissive who chafes at the bit, and loses
respect for the one supposedly in control. Is this control?
Not to me it isn’t. There have to be real reasons for a dominant
to instruct one to do something. And if those reasons aren’t
valid, then the question arises: “is my well being and growth
being considered here, or is it simply fodder for an ego?”
I was married
once. My ex husband felt that he had to win at all costs. It
didn’t matter if what he won was a divorce, but by jiminy, he
was going to push until I crumbled. And for a while, his strategy
worked. I began to question myself to the degree that I had
very little self respect, or confidence. I felt very much like
a ragdoll that he’d take out and play with on occasion… and
then put aside when he was done.
and is never a positive thing.
I found myself thinking about this while in a chat room. A submissive,
who was considering accepting a collar, made a post. In this
post she did the Y/you and T/they thing like a good virtual
submissive. ~not getting into THAT right at the moment~ The
“Dominant” she is considering for a master came back with: “You’re
just learning, sweet subbie (another pet peeve of mine.. go
figure), so your lack of knowledge about protocols in address
will be overlooked, but I will teach you respect.”
someone help me out here. Is butchering the English language
in any way… necessary to show respect? What the submissive said
was VERY respectful - not only to her dominant, but to the room
in general, and to herself. And she even did the Caps/no caps
the impression of incredible ego on the dominant’s part. I could
be very much mistaken here, but it seemed very petty to me (and
many of the others in the room - Dominant and submissive alike).
the virtual world, the use of Upper/lower case is a good indicator
of who is who, but it seemed that the One was more interested
in showing what a “strong dominant” he is rather than truly
trying to guide and educate. A domineering trait rather than
a dominant one. There are many other glimpses into this mindset
that brings me to that particular statement, but to be honest,
I tend to ignore those types for the most part after seeing
that kind of arrogance.
isn’t about changing someone into someone else. It is not about
training one to react like a trained seal to perform on demand.
It’s about having an inner control that their submissive can
recognize and it creates the desire and need to do what pleases
- not that one is afraid NOT to do something that the dominant
Once, a dominant asked me if I was really willing to obey him.
I was. He then expanded on that by asking me “if I told you
to give the mail person oral sex, would you?” There was no question
that if he instructed me to do that… I would. But here’s the
thing - I knew he wouldn’t ask that of me, because I trusted
back here a second. Is it submission to mean something because
you trust a dominant not to put you in danger? Yes, my friends,
it is. Is it a “test” to see if I would have done something
he asked of me? ~a soft laugh~ yes, in a way it was… and I realized
something - he didn’t need me to actually do it, he needed me
to realize inside of myself, that if he asked me to do it… I
would - because I trust him not to put me in danger.
that I’m rambling a bit again, it is very difficult to articulate
what I mean here - a domineering top wouldn’t have cared whether
or not something asked of me wasn’t for my growth… but for proving
something to him/her. A dominant is always looking to help their
submissive grow, learn, and find that submissive core inside.
look for a dominant who is seeking to walk a journey with you,
not have their ego stroked. That’s not what power exchange is.