for those times when you're having troubles

by Celeste aka BitaTruble

Dear Bita,

Did I say grape? Yes! Green, seedless and unpeeled. Fishing line works very well for this little trick and if you can't afford that beautiful $40.00 set of anal beads this is perfect for getting your daily dose of vitamin A (That's A as in Anal, of course!) Take 7 or 8 fairly large, not quite ripe green grapes. Using a needle, thread the fishing line (about 18") and then insert the needle right through the middle of the grape going lengthwise. Tie off a knot on each side of the grape and continue until you have all the grapes strung. Space your grapes about 2" apart. Next, tie off a large loop to use as a handle to make extraction easier. Be sure to use unpeeled grapes as peeled grapes can be crushed during the extraction process. Generously lube the opening of the anus and insert the grapes one at a time until they are all in. After the grapes are inserted, your natural body heat will warm them slightly and you will have a pleasantly smelly ass. Perks all around! For extraction, pull on the handle you made … slowly … pulling the grapes out one at a time. If you happen to lose one, don't worry unduly. The human body has a natural flushing mechanism and, trust me on this one, I speak from experience, the grapes will, eventually, find their way out. I don't recommend green apples for this little trick unless you have a very resilient submissive or they have a very big asshole. A word of caution here. Unless you are really into scat, toss the grapes in the trash after play … you can always buy more to eat. (Here's a side note: Mix melted chocolate and oatmeal and take it to a play party. It's very realistic. Have your sub eat it to gross out the guy that's hogging the St. Andy's X. I have it on very good authority that it's not that bad and that X will be yours in no time!)

Those are the key words in this little bit of food fetish fun. Vanilla's may think pouring chocolate sauce all over their partner is the ultimate in food play fantasy, but we know different down in the dungeon. Mix up your favorite batch of pure chocolate candy making sure that it is well tempered before spreading. Tempered chocolate hardens when cold so you will need plenty of ice on hand to make this particular fantasy into a reality. After tempering your chocolate, spread it thinly and evenly on a smooth surface. Breasts work really well for this or nice shaved genitals for the male of the species or, if you have enough chocolate, you can go for the ass mold. After spreading the tempered chocolate it needs to cool fast or the natural heat from the body will not allow it to harden. That's where the ice comes in. Simply surround your chosen area with a foil tent and cover the chocolate with ice. It won't take long for the chocolate to harden. Remove the ice, the carefully remove the chocolate mold. The one is easy to mess up, so practice, practice, practice to perfect your culinary Masterpiece. And if you can get your Master to wear a mold, let me know how you did it … I'd love a piece of chocolate Michael!

Melt ½ cup of Hershey's Semi-Sweet Chocolate Morsels in the microwave. Stir until smooth and spread, thinly over the upper third of your sub's breast or about halfway around your sub's cock until you have a nice shaped mold. (Do check the temperature of the chocolate so your session isn't interrupted by a trip to the hospital to treat the third degree burns you just inflicted!) Add ice to harden the chocolate quickly. Remove mold and fill with your favorite brand of peanut butter. Depending on the size of the breast or cock, you may need a very large jar of peanut butter. (My personal favorite is the extra chunky, but then, I really like nuts.)

Having a bad hair day? Boss getting on your case? Just want to fuck with your subbie because you feel like it? Have them kneel on dry rice and they will quickly learn to jump at your every bark. Kneeling on rice with their arms straight out to the sides, palms up, balancing a glass of water while being flogged is loads of fun … for the Dom. Subbie spilled the water? Laying down on a bed of nuts isn't very comfortable either. Hm, well, I take that back … it certainly depends on the 'kind' of nuts one is laying on. Yes, yes, it certainly does. A little tip for my sub brothers. Don't stick peanuts down your urethra. You can cause a blockage and pain that you can't code out of and unlike playing with grapes in the anal cavity, your cock will not necessarily expel the peanut should it get trapped. Your urologist will be able to do it however, so if you have good insurance and you are into humiliation, go for it but don't say I didn't warn you. (Every wonder how someone finds out stuff such as this? Hm?)

Anyone can use an ice cube tray to make ice, but the cubes are square and most human orifices are not. (Electric ice makers are NOT our friends!) For less than two bucks you can pick up the plastic four tray ice pop makers they sell for the kiddies. (Ours is orange.) You'll get an elongated ice cube with a convenient handle for the Dom. For an extra special treat, pull a condom over the ice pop then dip the whole thing in Hot Pepper Oil (4 oz. baby or mineral oil and 2 tablespoons cayenne pepper, shake) and remember, please keep plain yogurt on hand when dealing with Hot Pepper Oil in case your subtype person codes.) Insert and enjoy the squirming. (Side Note: Freeze a banana then insert into the anal cavity of your choice. The body heat will thaw the banana which will break down and eventually pass. What fun!) (Side note part two: Use a straw to freeze Ice catheters. Make sure you smooch the ends down before urethra insertion.)

In the freezer, in the crock pot, even in the oven happily cooking, but raw meat or poultry shouldn't be in your submissive. (You have heard of salmonella right?) Meat has bacteria which, once thawed, starts to multiply. Every hour there is a significant increase in the bacterial colony and even if inserted rather than ingested can cause serious even deadly consequences. So throw those pork chops in the frying pan. After dinner, your sub can wash the pan and you can spank him with it. Cooked meat however, is another story. Once meat is fully cooked (or smoked) bacteria multiply at a much slower rate making it safer to utilize in your sick and twisted fantasies. Personally, I'd rather use a cucumber. (If you don't have a cucumber in your fridge, go ask your mother … she's got lots of them. They take wrinkles out of the eyes .. no, really!)

No, no … that's Wasabi. It's a Japanese ginger, most commonly found in it's paste green form here in the States. It's a wonderful irritant. Tabasco and Habaneros are also great to add some spice to your BDSM play. Pick an opening, any opening. A little dab will do ya. Or your sub in this case.

Peel a cantaloupe and warm it in the microwave for a few minutes. Cut out a hole slightly smaller than the cock of your dear submissive. Watch him smile as you slowly ease the cantaloupe (or other melon of your choice) onto his hard cock.

Be careful here. Make sure you have a funnel that doesn't have sharp edges which can tear delicate tissue. If you buy a metal funnel, machine it down smooth or if it's plastic an emery board should work to smooth out the edges. Use the buff side of the emery board. Avoid glass funnels because some of what you will stick down that funnel is guaranteed to make your sub squirm and glass in the ass is no fun for Dom or sub. Once you have contrived the perfect funnel, only your imagine will stop you from filling up all the wonderful holes in your submissive with a wide variety of interesting textures (mashed potatoes? Creamed corn? You people are sick!) Avoid yeast based products. Ask any woman why and she'll tell you all about yeast infections. Not fun. Also, never force air or carbonated beverages into your sub's pussy. You can cause an embolism that can KILL her. Was that clear enough?

This one is too easy. Just pop a handful of Pop Rocks Candy in your mouth then give your Dom the blow job of his dreams. He'll thank you for it in the morning. (I've heard a myth about Altoids, but it doesn't work on Michael. Let me know if it works on your Dom.)

This one is a time honored classic. Your male sub will need to start with a raging erection. The more raging the better. Simply slip as many donuts over the cock as will fit. Admonish your submissive that he'd better not let any drop or will suffer dire consequences.

So easy the most novice of Dommes can do this one. Simply slip a nectarine between the butt checks of your submissive and tell them not to drop it. A little olive oil spread over the nectarine beforehand will make this very difficult. We don't recommend uses peaches in this scenario because the fuzz gives them some friction thus making it easier to hold. Can't let the subs off to light, right?