is a list of rules and suggestions for a submissive to make a safe first
meet with a Dom/me that they have met online, or by phone. Most of the
suggestions work perfectly well for a Dom/me to meet a submissive the
first time too. It sounds paranoid, but it’s all about safety. Every time
we meet someone new, we’re playing Russian roulette. There is no way to
avoid that, but we can decide how many bullets are in the chamber by making
ourselves as safe as possible.
#1. Always assume
the person you are meeting is potentially dangerous. Don’t listen to other
list- or chat room-member’s opinions on the person, as most of them have
never met this person in the flesh either. Use your intuition. If the
meet feels wrong, don’t even go.
#2. Do your homework.
Ask for a photo, a license plate number, his home phone number and his
real name. Check 411 online to see if the information matches.
#3. Meet at a
well-lit, open-concept location. Coffee shops are great because police
frequent them. If at all possible, meet during the day, and avoid places
with dark parking lots. If you do meet at a restaurant, arrive early and
explain to the waiter/waitress that you are meeting someone for the first
time, and ask if they would be good enough to alert the police if you
are having problems.
#4. Make your
own arrangements for a ride. Don’t rely on someone you don’t know, have
never met in person, and may not trust or like for a ride home. Public
transit is not good enough, because it is VERY easy to be abducted from
a bus stop or subway. If you don’t have a car, arrange for a ride, or
take a cab. In fact, a great way to escape from a bad meet is to arrange
for a cab to arrive at your meeting place for you an hour after you arrive.
If everything is going well, go out and tip the driver and tell him you’ll
call later. If the meeting is going badly, get in the cab and don’t look
#5. Make arrangements
for a safe call. It is vitally important to have one. Your safe call should
be someone you know, in real life, not from a chat channel or on the list.
You should be able to trust this person with your real name, real phone
number, address, the license plate number of your car, the location of
the meet you are heading to, and as complete an itinerary of the evening
as you can. If you don’t trust the safe call enough to give them this
information, don’t even bother asking them. Arrange a “green light word”
and a “red light word.” These are words you can use in a phone conversation
to alert your safe call as to whether things are going well, or are dangerous.
Make sure they are words that won’t tip off a potentially dangerous person
if they are listening to your cell conversation. If you use the green
light, all is well, and you will call again at the agreed upon time. If
you use the red light, the safe call should send the police to your meeting
place immediately! The use of the red and green lights are important because
if someone is preying on members of the BDSM community, they are probably
quite aware of safe calls. They may FORCE you to make a safe call after
they have abducted you, to give them the time to do what it is they want
to do. The following is a checklist of information you should have for
your safe call:
#6. Do NOT play
on a first meet. This can be the hardest rule to live by, especially if
you are driving long distances to meet someone you have been courting
for months online. Sometimes it’s unavoidable. If you are planning on
building a long-lasting relationship with the person you are meeting,
rather than having a one-night stand, and the person you are meeting feels
the same way, they WILL meet with you again, and WILL talk to you more
before setting up a play session. The main reason for this rule is that
while you’re having coffee, if things start to feel wrong, you can leave.
You can’t do that if you’re tied up. Use your intuition and listen to
#7. If possible,
bring along a chaperone. Don’t even let the person you’re meeting know
that he (it is best to have a large, intimidating male here, or a group
of females) is there. Have your chaperone sit a few tables away, so that
you have your privacy, but he can read your body language and listen if
your voice starts to rise. If he sees any problems, he can come over and
escort you out. If your chaperone is your ride, you have a perfect escape
route. If the person you are meeting insists that you leave with him/her,
then you can calmly say, “See that person over there? He is expecting
to take me home. If he sees me leave with you, he will call the police
to follow us.”
#8. Make a back-out
arrangement. Bring your pager or cell-phone. Have your safe-call call
YOU sometime during the meeting. If things are going terribly wrong, tell
the person you are meeting that there is an emergency at home and you
must leave immediately. Pagers work best for this, because you have to
“find a pay phone” to make the call. Don’t even come back to the table.
#9. Ask to see
your contact’s photo id. Do so just before your first safe call, and give
your safe call your contact’s driver’s license number. If you go missing,
the police will be able to find him/her much easier with a home address
to go by. If the driver’s license looks faked, leave. You may be asked
to return the favor in kind. Psychopaths are not necessarily Dominant.
Do so, ONLY if you trust this person not to stalk you at your home: remember,
your address is on your driver’s license.