a male submissive's point of view
(How to get one, have one, or screw one up)
What a trite word, especially for the BDSM Lifestyle. But yet
we do have relationships, don't we? Even if it is only with
our computer--which reminds me of a Louie Anderson type comic
who said, "Of course, I like porn more than real girls.
I can get porn!"
is we have relationships on many levels of--here's another hackneyed
Let me caution
you that this may seem boring, not germane, and what the hell
does it have to do with Femdom? Well, if you have the perfect
Femdom relationship, you should be writing this, not me. If
there is a flaw here and there, maybe this will work for you.
It did for me. Although i and W/we are still not perfect. Actually
Mistress and i are going through quite a tough time right now.
Anyone identify with that? Or maybe you are not in a Femdom
relationship at the moment, but surely would like to be. Anyone
like that out there?
to write this in general, that is, vanilla, terms, then bring
Femdom into it. And there is a real point to doing it this way,
as I think you will see.
fearlessly ahead, at the least complicated level of relationship
we have just an acquaintance relationship. Like the bank teller
or service station attendant we see once a week. "Hi, how
are you today. Me? I'm fine. Well, see you next week."
No real concern, just platitudes and pleasantries and instantly
might have a relationship on the level of a friend who we get
together to do something with, and we would do that thing in
any event, but not necessarily with that friend. Maybe we go
bowling or to the movies together, but don't interact otherwise.
Still not too deep a relationship.
Or we might
have another friend who we just get together with and do something
more to be together as friends. Maybe we go to a concert, or
the beach. The activity is not as important as being together,
where in the previous relationship type the particular activity
was more important, and the person was someone who we did that
particular thing with. That is the person was interchangeable,
and the activity was important, but here the person is the object
of getting together, and the activity is interchangeable.
have not gotten into any real commitments with these first three
levels of relationship. But in the next level of relationship,
there is a committment to each other, and it is mutual. I'll
do this, and you agree to do that, and it seems fair enough,
so we have a committed relationship, but one that is not really
heavy duty. We have agree--perhaps tacitly (not recommended)--what
each person's involvement, rights, duties, and expectations
are going to be, and each ideally should be able to pretty much
depend on faithful adherence to these agreements.
points. First the agreements can change by mutual agreement,
and the new element of allowed and accepted expectations. Agreements
are necessary to have a commitment, and expectations are proper
because of the agreements and commitments per the agreements.
As to changes
in the agreements, that is probably healthy, that is, it is
in the best interests of each other that there be enough flexibility
for growth, mistakes in duties or expectations, and all sorts
of adjustments. Unless these two people have a crystal ball,
they will not be able to predict in the beginning how this relationship
will function, progress, grow, or wither into the future. So
some allowances for adjustments are in order.
As to expectations,
that is always what caries the potential for the most emotional
pain. Unfulfilled expectations is just a general way to denote
hurt, jealousy, envy, anger, anxiety, fear, loneliness, suffocation
or enmeshment, and whatever painful part of a relationship you
might name. But we do have to have some expectations, and we
have a right to them at this level, else there is no commitment,
no committed relationship.
have not mentioned how close these two people are, that is,
we have made no mention of intimacy, Intimacy is not possible
without trust, which is not possible without honesty and openness.
So far we could have a somewhat intimate relationship that is
a committed one, but not fully intimate and therefore (unless
one or both are crazy) not fully committed. That is, these folks
are committed and intimate up to a point or in some areas but
not beyond that point or in the other areas. In such a case
there is only limited intimacy possible, because there is only
limited trust (the relationship does not go into certain aspects
of the individuals' lives, and mutual trust is not an issue
in those areas--any needed trust is obtained separately by keeping
that aspect of one's life separate, private, even hidden.
any of the "holding back" needs or wants of the relationship
partners results in what we usually first think of when we hear
the word "relationship," that is, an intimate, committed
and loving relationship. Why it has to be loving is real simple.
It is hard, and nothing but a great deal of love can make it
work, at least for complete, emotionally healthy, proactive,
assertive, people with healthy high self esteem and all those
other good things.
are completely distorted for unhealthy relationships. Any amount
of unbalance in any of the key elements of friendship, committment,
trust, honesty, intimacy, openness, and so on are possible for
unhealthy relationships. And we have all probably been a part
of one of these unbalanced or unhealthy relationships, and we
certainly hear of them all the time. In real life and on line.
this have to do with BDSM? In my opinion, I think all BDSM relationships
in general, and all Femdom relationships in particular, can
operate at any of these five levels of relationship. Further
they can be balanced or nearly so (healthy) or unbalanced (to
the point of unhealthy on down and down into outright abuse,
unfaithfulness, mistrust, not-your-friend, fear, anger, and
extreme hurt, even to the point of physical abuse. Battering,
not to put too fine a point on it.
this have to do with Femdom?
if you will, these five levels of relationship again, Mistresses
and subs, as Femdom practitioners or as players (in the part
time sense of participation). At level one you may meet other
Lifestylers at munches, online, or in other casual situations,
but you have no real committment to them other than common courtesy.
Even if your flavor of Femdom is "Old Guard" there
may be strict or not so strict protocol to follow, but that
protocol is based on courtesy dressed up as submission and control.
In any case, you exhibit manners solely because it is proper
to do so, proper in a sociality imposed and expected sense,
not because you have any special personal feelings toward the
two, you may get together, again casually to go together to
a munch or play party, just for the comfort or security of being
with another like minded person. Note like the vanilla level
two, the person is interchangeable, and the activity is the
key thing. You may just as soon go to that activity with someone
else, that is, the activity you want to do, even if you have
to go alone or with another person. Naturally there can be bit
of temporary committment here, and that may be very advisable
for safety. Ladies, even if you are the roughest toughest Domme
around, don't go to a new place alone until you can be sure
of your safety. And for male and especially female subs, this
is also true. Don't be alone with a new person until you can
be sure of your safety. This is obvious for girl subbies, but
for you guys, how do you know this Domme doesn't have a male
or even female co-conspirator lurking to join the two of you
without your consent. (Sorry, didn't mean to turn you on, guys.<lol>)
this about level two, and this applies to levels three and four
if the relationship progresses there. Level two is the time
to start checking out the other person to see if they are worthy
of your possible committment, if that is your goal (it may not
be). Again, if a committed relationship is your goal, you instinctively
(read: unhealthily) start this checking out process at the munch,
that is level one. That is OK, but don't propose marriage before
the food comes. I would be ROFLOL, but sad to say, that is the
way unhealthy relationships start. Unless you have a terminal
disease, what's the hurry?
have gotten my message by now. Yep, the whole idea of levels
of relationship is to slow down, enjoy the ride, and cHeCk OuT
tHe OtHeR pErSoN!!!! If the first time you see him or her play,
and swapping or blood sports is a big part of his or her agenda
and not yours, run, don't walk. If this seems cold hearted,
it is. Who is going to protect you, but you? Who knows what
you want and need but you? You need to be your own best friend--no
one else is qualified.
on, now that the cat is out of the bag, at level three, you
frequently endeavor to get together with a particular person
primarily to be with that person, whether in a Femdom setting
or not. And one of the attractions of such an arrangement is
that the fun of enjoying an event, Femdom or not, is heightened
by being with that person. You would even skip your first choice
of activity to do another thing to be with that person because
he or she wants to do that thing. But still there is not committment--you
have not promised to do a certain type of (Femdom) thing only
with that person, and no complete openness or honesty is not
required, and only a limited amount of trust is involved. And,
if you are smart, you both have agreed what the boundaries of
your involvement are, and you can have expectations only in
accordance with those limits.
you are still checking this person out. And if he or she is
healthy, he or she is checking you out. This is the beginning
of the romantic stage, perhaps, and why not? You are both on
your best behavior. That's why it is romantic! And even more
reason to vigilantly check the other person out!
four, you have become committed to do a thing or set of things
or range of activities together, and have agreed (committed)
on when, how, where, and how exclusive that activity will be
with that person, from the partial to the total exclusion of
another or others. This applies to Lifetime channel movies or
to Steven Segal movies as well as play scenes or to sex. Still
you are checking out the other person. You are a fool not to,
even now, especially now. The deeper involved you get the easier
it is to see the true person the other one is.
sex is not ruled out at any of the five levels. And in the vanilla
world, the initiator of sexual activity is no longer the exclusive
domain of the male. I'll leave it as an exercise for the student
to work out who initiates sex in a Femdom relationship at any
of the five levels. The point is, like in the vanilla level,
it is not necessarily one gender or the other who initiates
sex. And like in the vanilla world, it is no longer just the
man who has the classic "one night stand and never thinks
about calling later in the week or ever again." Women play
that game also, vanilla or Femdom, or any other flavor of BDSM.
discussing level four, the limits or bounds of sex definitely
have to be established. If they aren't, like any other Femdom
or vanilla relationship, you ain't at level four. And if you
are and he or she isn't, whose fault is that? Who did not clearly
negotiate, discuss, agree to a mutually acceptable set of limits?
If you did, and just though the other person did also, but she
or he did not, shame on you. You were not you own best friend,
were you? Half of communication is listening and watching. Alternately,
if the other guy or gal did agree to this and that, but is not
living up to his or her agreement, first, dump 'em, second,
shame on them.
said dump him or her. Just like that. Bang. Plop. Splat. Thud.
You don't need him (her). There are no end of sick relationships
available to you. I personally, have been known to get into
more sick, "committed" relationships in a week than
nearly anyone else could in a year. Or ten. Just remember. There
are lots of sick (emotionally, I mean) potential partners out
there. Don't worry about dumping this one. You'll find another
one. They are easy to find. At any of the relationship levels.
I was told once by a vanilla lady, that, "Men are like
parking places. The good ones are all taken." Besides the
fact that I thought she was probably right (She was NOT.), I
tried not to take the comment personally, thereby showing twice
in one sequence of thoughts just how sick I was.
at level five, you ride off into the sunset and live happily
ever after. WRONG! This ain't Hollywood. If you are an emotionally
insecure, overweight, rageaholic, passive-aggressive male sub
without a Mistress, when you get a Mistress you will be an emotionally
insecure, overweight, rageaholic, passive-aggressive male sub
WITH a Mistress. That's all. Nothing else will change. And the
same goes for you Mistresses. If you are financially insecure,
overbearing, catty, jealous and controlling Mistress without
a sub, then when you get a sub, you will be a financially insecure,
overbearing, catty, jealous and controlling Mistress WITH a
sub. Nothing else will change.
How do we
avoid that fate? It can be done, and I'll go into that next
time. I think I'll call that article "Wannabee's."
Please note, I am not saying there is a damn thing wrong with
being a wannabee. There is very much wrong with remaining a
wannabee. Unless that's your idea of a good time. And you can
be a wannabee even in an (supposedly) intimate, (supposedly)
trusting, committed relationship. Or any other level. Vanilla
is up to you. Tune in next time, and we'll go over the ropes.
Er, I mean the ways to get from here to there.
be remiss if I let you think I thought up all this stuff on
my own. I have plagiarized a talk by Leo Gorsky on relationships
delivered to an ACA convention. It is available on tape, and
perhaps CD, from Virgil at:
PO Box 2321
Chula Vista, CA 91912