March/April 2002

Dealing With Emotions

by miria hunter

The perfect Dominant will keep you safe from harm: both physical and emotional. He will also keep you from any kind of discomfort, be it being too cold or too hot. He will heal all your ills and make your life perfect. All of your needs and wants will be fulfilled, even before you know you need or want something.

Sounds ideal, doesn't it? Well in theory, it is. However, Dominants are people to. Like anyone else, they will make mistakes, upset you, and sometimes even disappoint you. What do you do when that pedestal they are on gets a little lower to the ground? How do you express what you are feeling? What do you do? The answer is as simple as understanding human emotions.

Every emotion has a different way to be expressed. Love is one of the easiest emotions that can be expressed to our Dominants. We all seem to know how to do that instinctively. As we get to know Them, we learn Their likes and dislikes and learn to enhance on what They enjoy. In doing this, we also learn how to express ourselves and become aware of when such emotion is appropriate and when it is not. No matter who we are though, we expect certain things in return from the Dominant. When our needs are not met, we tend to become angry or hurt.

Ok: you're angry with your Dominant - what do you say, and how do you say it and still maintain your proper place? One of the first things that should have been established in the beginning of your relationship is a way to communicate as equals, with no fear of retribution. Master and i call these "time outs." Once i ask Him if we can speak freely, i can say whatever is on my mind. That does not mean i can explode and say anything i want. i still have to maintain respect. When considering what to say, first decide what is truly important and what is merely being said out of anger. If it is possible, take time to seriously consider this aspect before you agree to enter into a conversation. Talking when you are calmer will keep you from saying things you may regret later. Words said in anger sometimes can never be forgiven or taken back. It is also very important that you have the Dominant's full attention when you talk. If i feel it is important enough to bring up to my Master, i feel i deserve His full attention. If He is not totally focused on what i am saying, my anger builds, and this is where trouble usually starts. Dominants please note: if it is important enough for your submissive or slave to talk to You about something, listen to what they have to say. Do not placate them or minimize their feelings no matter how trivial You may think they are. Something has upset Your sub and by listening and acting on this, You will gain more respect and be less likely to repeat the action which brought about the conflict.

What if it is not anger but fear you are feeling? Perhaps your Dominant said He wants to do something specific in the next scene. The action is not a hard limit, but the idea terrifies you. Inform your Dominant beforehand of what you are feeling. Over time, and if done slowly, fear can and will usually evaporate. i am very claustrophobic. The first time my Master mentioned total bondage, i was terrified; afraid i would freak out and embarrass us both. Even in my sleep, if my legs feel trapped by anything, i will wake up hitting and kicking to get them free. i talked with Master about these issues, and we took things very slow. When this issue arises now, He constantly talks to and touches me. As a result of His care, I feel very safe, and my fears evaporate. That is not to say that I do not still feel some fear if He moves away for a second. I still do, but i know He will return shortly. your Dominant is the one person you should trust above all others to help you over come your fears. After all, we want our Dominants not fear to rule our lives. Unless you talk with your Dominant and let Him know your fears, He will not know how to take corrective measures to minimize them. If left for you only to deal with, your fear will turn to anxiety, and the anxiety to anger directed at your Dominant for having put you into that position.

In short, to be human is to experience emotions. Your emotions are a very real and telling side of yourself. Unless you share these feelings with your Dominant, you are only giving a part of you away. How can you then expect Him to totally care for you, when you have held back such an important part of yourself? In the end, honest and open communication is the key to any relationship. Be it Vanilla, D/s, or any other type of relationship.

Rick's miria
August Iron Rose Society