January/February 2003
Trubled Times
Picture Herefor those times when you're having troubles
by Celeste aka BitaTruble

Dear Bita,

How can someone juggle their vanilla life and their BDSM life so that the vanilla does not invade so much and the BDSM gets pushed into the background? Paying bills, going shopping and all that other stuff seems to take so much of my time.

I'm tired of being vanilla

Dear Vanilla,

So often I've heard people voice their internal struggles with those parts of their lives they consider vanilla. Going to the grocery store, paying bills, taking care of the children, dealing with family and friends are all viewed by the vast majority as 'vanilla' parts of life. I have to wonder how going to the store is 'vanilla'? Vanilla is a term that was coined to describe sexual activities outside of alternative lifestyle, whether that is leather, gay or something else. If one chooses to live an alternative lifestyle, going to the store and buying milk and bread will not make them vanilla. We tend to umbrella a variety of terms and anything that falls outside of that umbrella is 'vanilla.' So we don't consider going to the store as an alternative lifestyle activity, but rather a vanilla activity. Well, it's my opinion that it's time for that to change. I didn't raise my children as a 'vanilla,' I raised them as a parent. I'm a parent who happens to be living an alternative lifestyle to vanilla, but a parent just the same. My day to day living has nothing to do with vanilla. When I pay my phone bill, I pay it as a customer, it's neither vanilla nor BDSM related. My internal clock doesn't change because I'm standing behind someone else who's internal clock marks them as vanilla. We both pay the phone bill or the phone gets shut off. Simple. The phone company, doesn't give a damn if I tie my billy goats together and flog them soundly. The grocery store may 'assume' that I'm making Chinese food with all that ginger I bought, but you know what they say about assumptions. I do not think about BDSM 24 hours a day, seven days a week any more than I think about scrubbing my toilets that much. BDSM is always there, in my heart and mind but it does not take the forefront of my life. It's not all I think about. It's not all I do. The term 'sex on the brain' is rather a misnomer because while there are people that think about sex a lot, life is too complex to devote 100% of time and energy to only a single aspect of living. As great as sex is, as great as BDSM is, it's not the be all, end all of life. That doesn't mean when I'm standing in line at the power company, I'm not thinking of flogging the CEO to within an inch of his life for the high prices, but that's just my sick and twisted little brain functioning. ::chuckles::

Vanilla describes how a person chooses to live out their sexual nature. D/s, S/m et al. the exact same thing. Buying potatoes has nothing to do with either one. Unfortunately, however, your options are rather limited in how to free up more time to spend on BDSM. The main thing is the make it a priority in your life. Don't put it before paying the phone bill or taking the kids to the doctor, but, truly, can't the toilets wait a few hours to be scrubbed out?

Vanilla is a flavor of ice cream.



Dear Bita,

I'm desperate and really need your help. A little background first. I'm a submissive woman, 33, with three children ages 4, 7 and 9. I've been living with my Master for the past three years and they call him Daddy. The youngest is his biological child. We are financially stable, but far from wealthy. I am also pregnant again. Master does not want another child and has told me to get an abortion. We had discussed this issue in the past and I told him that I only wanted the three we have, but now I find that I just can't go through with it. He is adamant that I terminate this pregnancy. I thought this was something I could do but my heart is breaking. I can't stop crying. I don't know what to do. If I don't have the abortion, then I don't feel as though I'm a submissive. I want this child. I want to raise them, love them and teach them how to be a caring and descent human. I want that part of my child that is my Master to look to their father and see the incredible person that brought them into this world. I'm scared.

Please help,
Torn apart in IN

Dear Torn,

I am sending you a private email, because this will not come out to the Ezine for about a month.

To my readers, the advice that I gave to Torn is below.

Oh, sweetie, my heart is aching for you. The decision to bring a child into the world is the hardest one there is to make. That child deserves two loving parents and all that life has to offer. They deserve to feel the pain and the joy of living and to grow and learn and contribute. They deserve the absolute BEST start in life. All that said, choosing to terminate a pregnancy is a mutual decision and must be agreed upon by BOTH parties involved. I understand that you had agreed to three children, but life has thrown you a bonus. If you can't BOTH agree that the pregnancy should be terminated then DON'T do it. Abortion is not something that you 'get over.' It does not go away and it doesn't 'fix' anything.

The 'state' cannot order a mother to terminate her child, neither can a Master. He has made his feelings known, so have you. You MUST work to find the decision that is right for your family. Unfortunately, this is a situation in which one party cannot compromise so the other must accept the final decision. But base that decision on all the facts and not just the fact that you will only abort because you are a submissive. You will not be a better submissive if you have an abortion because of an order. What you will be is a bitter woman who will not have her child to nurture, raise and love and soon enough, you may even start to resent or hate the man who ordered you to throw that chance away. What life throws at us are sometimes a choice between terrible and horrible, but, as adults, we still have to make that choice. Talk to each other. Make your lists of all the reasons to have or not have this child. And be careful in the future so you don't put yourself though this again. Keep in mind, sweetie, that even trying to make this decision is tearing you apart. How are you going to feel go through with an abortion that you don't want to have? You said yourself that your Master is an incredible person. Trust in that and best of luck to you.



Dear Bita,

I'm a male sub and I'm having trouble finding a Mistress that will humiliate me and perform CBT on me. I've tried placing ads in the personals and I frequent chat rooms but everyone ignores me or calls me names. What am I doing wrong?

Searching for my Goddess

Dear Searching,

Sounds like you're doing everything wrong. You seem to be only concerned with what someone will do 'to' you and not what you can do 'for' a Mistress. The ratio of Dommes to male subs is not in your favor, so you need to stand out. Shine. Show what you have so that a Domme will pick you over another submissive. If people are ignoring you or calling you names in chat rooms, it's probably because you appear to be trolling for kinks rather than the fact that you are serious in your search for a Mistress. You need to decide what you really want. Some kinky sex? To serve with honor and dignity? If you only show the seedy, smarmy side of yourself, you aren't going to have much luck. Try being a gentleman, be polite, considerate, learn all you can about what it is that you wish to accomplish and maybe your luck will change. You call yourself a submissive, so act like one. Define what that means to you and then LIVE it. Talk is cheap.