January/February 2003
Wannabe or Dominant?
by RebelGent


You are a Wannabe if . . .

* You demand to be addressed as "Sir" as a supposed sign of "respect" by any submissive, before even investing a modicum of time in getting to know the submissive. As a Dominant, you have no rights over submissives in general, "just because" you are a Dom.. If you feel the need to have to demand an exhibition of respect from all who approach you, you may want to review the source of your own self-esteem and self-confidence.

* If you feel it is imperative that a potential submissive receive information from no one but you regarding the varieties and aspects of this spectrum, you may want to focus on the reasons for not feeling that you are equal to outside comparisons.

* If you feel that you have no responsibility for expressing your needs, wants, and desires as honestly, clearly, and directly as possible to a potential submissive, could it be that you have not put in the necessary time required to know yourself and your own needs well enough?

* If you "insist" on hearing what a potential submissive's needs and desires are first with a view of adjusting your needs and desires to match hers, you may require a re-thinking of the essence of Dominance and the measure of your own need.

* If you feel a need to "rush" into a relationship, and get an immediate commitment of any sort from a submissive whom you have barely gotten to know as a person, it would be advisable for you to determine why you require an immediate commitment. Keep in mind, it is just as important for the submissive to know you both as a man and as a Dominant as it is for you to know her both as a woman and as a submissive before making a commitment to you.

* Insisting that the submissive travel to you at the time of your initial meeting as "proof" of her commitment to you may sound great in your fantasies, but in the realities of this life it may well exhibit a measure of disregard for the emotional comfort and physical well-being of your potential submissive. Is she not worth the effort of your going to her, meeting her on her own home turf, and maintaining a comfortable and familiar atmosphere in which you and she can come to know each other better?

* If you, as the Dominant, exhibit jealousy or feel "hurt" by inconsequential actions of your submissive, for example, her speaking with other Dominants or even "flirting" with other Dominants, you are allowing insecurities in both yourself and in your potential relationship. Keep in mind those insecurities may prove quite as detrimental to a budding relationship as they would be to an established relationship.

* If you feel that a submissive, any submissive, must obey your every "command", then you lack a fundamental understanding of Dominance. No submissive owes you immediate obedience just because she is submissive. Nor, for that matter, is blind, immediate "obedience" to all and sundry an indicator of a "level" submission, i.e., whether the submissive is "submissive enough".

* Your view of a "Dominant" character may include maintaining an aspect of stoicism ... trying to be the "strong, silent type". This characteristic may seem on the surface as indicating solidity and strength, but if carried too far, it may become a very real barrier in establishing the free and easy flow of communication that is essential to this type of relationship. If it requires an immense, constant effort on your potential submissive's part to "drag" information from you about yourself, your past, your requirements and needs, you may be in the process of establishing future blocks to communication. If your submissive feels that it will be a production to get any type of answer from you, will she be able to establish towards you the level of trust and openness you will require? Keep in mind, always, the fundamentals of this type of relationship must be a two way street.

* One of the most common misconceptions of new Dominants is the thinking that a submissive does not "have the right" to question a potential Master. Communication and trust are the most important building blocks that will uphold your relationship. Prohibiting even a potential submissive from questioning you as a man and as Dominant will only establish strong barriers to possible trust. Questions from each side of the developing partnership are the only concrete manner for both potential partners to get to know each other as people. Exhibiting a desire for "secrecy", even under the vanilla guise of maintaining that so-called "mystery" does not apply in the process of establishing a potential relationship.

Or . . . Are You a Dominant?

In contrast to the possibly "negative" view of a potential new Dominant above, I offer the following as what I consider to be fundamental characteristics of a Dominant. It is important to remember that the characteristics of the Dominant are based in, and created by the characteristics of the man.

* A Dominant is one who has the understanding that he is not perfect (nope, sorry fellas, we're not). A Dominant has taken the time to accept his flaws as an individual, has come to terms with them, and determined how best to control and deal with them effectively.

* A Dominant has come to realize that "proof" of his Dominance does not come from the person who calls him "Master", but rather from within himself, by evidence of his personality, his ethics, standards, and values, combined with his particular needs within this spectrum.

* A Dominant has realized that he has the responsibility to himself to inform himself as thoroughly as possible regarding the wide ranging aspects of the BDSM spectrum. He will have taken the time to consider for himself what his own needs are within each aspect and will be fully capable of clearly articulating those needs to a potential submissive.

* Life experience will have taught him the importance of trust and respect in any relationship, and he will have come to recognize that a woman will only be able to submit to a man with character, making him worthy of her trust and respect.

* A Dominant man will understand and accept that before expecting a submissive to give over control of herself and her life, he must first have complete control over himself, and his life.

* Even though it is somewhat a given in some circles of the BDSM spectrum that a Master is free to have a multiplicity of sub/slaves, understand that most women wish for an exclusive relationship where she is exclusive to her Master, as he is to her. If the original commitment with your sub/slave calls for exclusivity from you both, you have the responsibility as a Dominant to be up front, direct, and honest should you decide to include others in your relationship on any level. Realize that taking responsibility for honesty in your needs makes you stronger as a Dominant, not weaker.

* Understand the value of character in the most "old-fashioned" sense, if you will. Understand, and take responsibility for the fact that you must have within your character and your actions the "proof" of your worthiness of the submissive's trust and respect.

* Understand that the value of your submissive will not only be based in the level of her submissiveness to you, but also in herself, as an individual: the whole person. She will be intelligent, have a mind of her own and will be eager to use all her abilities to your mutual advantage, if the environment is conducive to such.

* As a Dominant Man, you understand that being Dominant is merely who and what you are. Your Dominance is such that it need not be constantly and actively "demonstrated", but because it comes from within, your Dominance will be readily apparent through your self-control and your responsible actions.

* A Dominant will understand that words such as integrity, character, honesty, fairness and consistency represent concepts that are apparent throughout all areas of a Dominant's life. They are not mere words to be used and applied selectively when they may be to your advantage. Not only are those words representative of the character of a Dom, they are hallmarks of the character of a dominant, and imperative in one who would be called a Master.