are a Wannabe if . . .
You demand to be addressed as "Sir" as a supposed
sign of "respect" by any submissive, before even investing
a modicum of time in getting to know the submissive. As a Dominant,
you have no rights over submissives in general, "just because"
you are a Dom.. If you feel the need to have to demand an exhibition
of respect from all who approach you, you may want to review
the source of your own self-esteem and self-confidence.
If you feel it is imperative that a potential submissive receive
information from no one but you regarding the varieties and
aspects of this spectrum, you may want to focus on the reasons
for not feeling that you are equal to outside comparisons.
If you feel that you have no responsibility for expressing your
needs, wants, and desires as honestly, clearly, and directly
as possible to a potential submissive, could it be that you
have not put in the necessary time required to know yourself
and your own needs well enough?
If you "insist" on hearing what a potential submissive's
needs and desires are first with a view of adjusting your needs
and desires to match hers, you may require a re-thinking of
the essence of Dominance and the measure of your own need.
If you feel a need to "rush" into a relationship,
and get an immediate commitment of any sort from a submissive
whom you have barely gotten to know as a person, it would be
advisable for you to determine why you require an immediate
commitment. Keep in mind, it is just as important for the submissive
to know you both as a man and as a Dominant as it is for you
to know her both as a woman and as a submissive before making
a commitment to you.
Insisting that the submissive travel to you at the time of your
initial meeting as "proof" of her commitment to you
may sound great in your fantasies, but in the realities of this
life it may well exhibit a measure of disregard for the emotional
comfort and physical well-being of your potential submissive.
Is she not worth the effort of your going to her, meeting her
on her own home turf, and maintaining a comfortable and familiar
atmosphere in which you and she can come to know each other
If you, as the Dominant, exhibit jealousy or feel "hurt"
by inconsequential actions of your submissive, for example,
her speaking with other Dominants or even "flirting"
with other Dominants, you are allowing insecurities in both
yourself and in your potential relationship. Keep in mind those
insecurities may prove quite as detrimental to a budding relationship
as they would be to an established relationship.
If you feel that a submissive, any submissive, must obey your
every "command", then you lack a fundamental understanding
of Dominance. No submissive owes you immediate obedience just
because she is submissive. Nor, for that matter, is blind, immediate
"obedience" to all and sundry an indicator of a "level"
submission, i.e., whether the submissive is "submissive
Your view of a "Dominant" character may include maintaining
an aspect of stoicism ... trying to be the "strong, silent
type". This characteristic may seem on the surface as indicating
solidity and strength, but if carried too far, it may become
a very real barrier in establishing the free and easy flow of
communication that is essential to this type of relationship.
If it requires an immense, constant effort on your potential
submissive's part to "drag" information from you about
yourself, your past, your requirements and needs, you may be
in the process of establishing future blocks to communication.
If your submissive feels that it will be a production to get
any type of answer from you, will she be able to establish towards
you the level of trust and openness you will require? Keep in
mind, always, the fundamentals of this type of relationship
must be a two way street.
One of the most common misconceptions of new Dominants is the
thinking that a submissive does not "have the right"
to question a potential Master. Communication and trust are
the most important building blocks that will uphold your relationship.
Prohibiting even a potential submissive from questioning you
as a man and as Dominant will only establish strong barriers
to possible trust. Questions from each side of the developing
partnership are the only concrete manner for both potential
partners to get to know each other as people. Exhibiting a desire
for "secrecy", even under the vanilla guise of maintaining
that so-called "mystery" does not apply in the process
of establishing a potential relationship.
. . . Are You a Dominant?
contrast to the possibly "negative" view of a potential
new Dominant above, I offer the following as what I consider
to be fundamental characteristics of a Dominant. It is important
to remember that the characteristics of the Dominant are based
in, and created by the characteristics of the man.
A Dominant is one who has the understanding that he is not perfect
(nope, sorry fellas, we're not). A Dominant has taken the time
to accept his flaws as an individual, has come to terms with
them, and determined how best to control and deal with them
A Dominant has come to realize that "proof" of his
Dominance does not come from the person who calls him "Master",
but rather from within himself, by evidence of his personality,
his ethics, standards, and values, combined with his particular
needs within this spectrum.
A Dominant has realized that he has the responsibility to himself
to inform himself as thoroughly as possible regarding the wide
ranging aspects of the BDSM spectrum. He will have taken the
time to consider for himself what his own needs are within each
aspect and will be fully capable of clearly articulating those
needs to a potential submissive.
Life experience will have taught him the importance of trust
and respect in any relationship, and he will have come to recognize
that a woman will only be able to submit to a man with character,
making him worthy of her trust and respect.
A Dominant man will understand and accept that before expecting
a submissive to give over control of herself and her life, he
must first have complete control over himself, and his life.
Even though it is somewhat a given in some circles of the BDSM
spectrum that a Master is free to have a multiplicity of sub/slaves,
understand that most women wish for an exclusive relationship
where she is exclusive to her Master, as he is to her. If the
original commitment with your sub/slave calls for exclusivity
from you both, you have the responsibility as a Dominant to
be up front, direct, and honest should you decide to include
others in your relationship on any level. Realize that taking
responsibility for honesty in your needs makes you stronger
as a Dominant, not weaker.
Understand the value of character in the most "old-fashioned"
sense, if you will. Understand, and take responsibility for
the fact that you must have within your character and your actions
the "proof" of your worthiness of the submissive's
trust and respect.
Understand that the value of your submissive will not only be
based in the level of her submissiveness to you, but also in
herself, as an individual: the whole person. She will be intelligent,
have a mind of her own and will be eager to use all her abilities
to your mutual advantage, if the environment is conducive to
As a Dominant Man, you understand that being Dominant is merely
who and what you are. Your Dominance is such that it need not
be constantly and actively "demonstrated", but because
it comes from within, your Dominance will be readily apparent
through your self-control and your responsible actions.
A Dominant will understand that words such as integrity, character,
honesty, fairness and consistency represent concepts that are
apparent throughout all areas of a Dominant's life. They are
not mere words to be used and applied selectively when they
may be to your advantage. Not only are those words representative
of the character of a Dom, they are hallmarks of the character
of a dominant, and imperative in one who would be called a Master.