The
Beginner's Guide
to Dominance and Submission
|
by James
Bryant, assisted by Sandra Bryant
(Revised
version)
Copyright ©1995, ©1996 The Bryant Press
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| Contents |
Disclaimer
Introduction
Basic Definitions
The Players
The Dominant - The Master - The Submissive
- The Slave
Dominance and Submission Rules
Reward and Punishment
Bondage
Ropes - Straps - Cuffs - Chains - Collars
- Bars - Suspension Devices - Specialty Items
Training Items
Training Techniques
Humiliation - Restriction - Physical Domination
- Verbal Domination
Additional Information
Wax - Clamps - Electrical Stimulating Devices
- Ice - Body Training - Piercing
Suggested Reading List
Epilogue
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| Disclaimer |
This
is a handbook for people to learn more about a type of relationship
known as Dominance and Submission. We do not pull punches
or try to soften the language used. If you are easily offended,
do not continue reading this Guide. We are writing this
from the experiences of others and our own experiences.
This is by no means an endorsement of this lifestyle. It
is meant as a guide to those who seek a greater understanding,
or who are interested, but don't know how to start. The
usage of "him" and "her" are from our
own experience. Do not take it to mean the male is dominant
every time. There are many successful D/s relationships
where the female is the Dominant, or in same sex relationships
where one is dominant and the other submissive regardless
of gender.
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| Introduction |
Dominance
and Submission (D/s) is an alternative relationship in which
a Master or Dom controls the actions, emotions, and will
of the slave, or submissive, often referred to as "sub".
D/s does not necessarily refer to the sex act itself. D/s
is more akin to a seduction. The Master seduces the slave
with his power, the slave seduces the Master with their
willingness and servitude. Sex does occur in the relationship,
but in this Guide, we are discussing the lifestyle, not
sexual practice. "Slave" and "sub",
as well as "Master" and "Dom" are not
directly interchangeable titles. The differences will be
gone into later in this guide. A D/s relationship consists
of two people who are mutually consenting adults who agree
on a direction for their relationship. They agree that one
of the partners will take the dominant, controlling role,
and the other partner, the submissive, controlled role.
Just like in any other relationship, it is a two way street,
though to outsiders, it may not seem so. The Master relies
on the slave as much as the slave relies on the Master.
They are dependent on each other to satisfy their own needs.
Each partner has different needs, as defined by their role
as Dom or sub, but each is satisfied, though in different
ways. Each couple will have their own set of agreements.
This Guide talks about ours, but every D/s relationship
is different. However, there are some basic rules that are
universal.
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| Chapter
1 - Basic Definitions |
Dominance
and Submission are not to be confused with Sadomasochism.
To make this more clear, we are including these basic definitions.
They are taken from the American Heritage Dictionary.
- Bondage (2) A state
of subjection to a force, power or influence. It comes
from the Old English word bonda, which means
husbandman (farmer)
- Dominant (1) Exercising
the most influence or control; governing. (2) Most prominent
in position or prevalence; ascendant. Comes from Old
French and Latin dominans, to dominate.
- Dominate (1) To
control, govern or rule by superior authority or power.
Comes from Latin dominari, to rule - dominus,
lord.
- Submissive comes
from Submit.
- Submit (1) To yield
or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another.
(2) To subject to a condition or process. (3) To yield
to the opinion or authority of another; give in. (4)
To allow oneself to be subjected; acquiesce. Comes from
Middle English submitten, Latin submittere,
to set under: sub-under + mittere-to cause
to go.
- Sadism (1) The
perversion of deriving sexual satisfaction from the
infliction of pain on others. (2) Delight in cruelty.
(3) Extreme cruelty. Comes from Comte Donatien de Sade
(1740-1814)
- Masochism (1) An
abnormal condition in which sexual excitement and satisfaction
depend largely on being subjected to abuse or physical
pain, whether by oneself or another. Comes from Leopold
von Sacher-Masoch, Austrian novelist (1836-1895)
- Sadomasochism (1)
The perversion of taking pleasure, especially sexual
gratification from simultaneous sadism and masochism.
If you ignore the terms "perversion" and "abnormal"
in the above definitions, you can still see that nowhere
in the definition of dominate or submit do
you have pain as an integral part. It is a difference in
gradients and intent. We are not saying that S&M is
wrong, bad or undesirable. It is just a much higher gradient
than D/s, and may be too intense for the beginner. Some
people may confuse heavy D/s with S&M. They are two
very different things.
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| Chapter
2 - The Players |
Although
it may seem through outward appearances that all the power
in the relationship flows from the Dom or Master to the
sub or slave, this is somewhat misleading. The players in
a D/s relationship, no matter which side they are on, are
equals to a certain degree. Both sides have power, but in
different ways. The Dom may have ultimate authority, but
the sub is the one who initiates most actions.
To prevent any misunderstanding between players, they should
understand the difference between a Dom and a Master, and
a submissive and a slave.
The Dominant, or Dom
"Many inexperienced Doms believe that all that is required
is simply ordering your sub around as you choose. It's not.
There's much more to be said about what being a good Dom
requires" (Rex99, 07-21-95, AOL).
Domination is not just giving random orders. A good Dom
will find a way to cause the sub to desire pleasing the
Dom. A Dom, or Dominant, is the protector, teacher, and
lover to the sub.
As the protector, the Dom must be a) stronger than the sub,
and b) stronger than other people in the life of the sub.
This does not mean that he has to be physically bigger or
stronger. We are talking about character and personality.
As the teacher, the Dom must be wise and, above all, right.
The Dom should not arbitrarily punish the sub on a whim.
There must be a reason. To do otherwise will break down
the trust and security of the sub. The Dom has to be respected
by the sub. Respect is a quality that is earned by the Dom
being right, and issuing swift, correct justice and reward
to the sub. The Dom is not there to inflict pain and degradation
on the sub, but to give the sub a goal and a direction on
how to love and please him.
As the lover, the Dom is loving and, when appropriate, stern.
He must recognize that he is the only source of pleasure
for the sub. He must see to it that this area is not neglected.
The Dom should, when appropriate, be gentle, supportive,
and tender to the sub. A Dom/sub relationship is not just
about overpowering. It is about the Dom caring for the well-being
of the sub. If punishment is required to stop a destructive
action by the sub, then it comes from the Dom. On the other
hand, when correct action has been noted by the Dom, love
and caring should come from him to the sub.
The Master
The Master is a higher gradient of control in D/s. The Master
follows the same rules as a Dom, but in a stricter sense.
The Master can have a slave, but may also call their slave
a sub. The slave is owned or "collared" by the
Master. The Master considers the slave a possession, but
a highly valuable and loved one, the most valuable thing
he owns. Offenses against the rules laid out by the Master
are dealt with more severely, in most circumstances. Still,
the Master, when pleased, flows great love and caring to
his slave. The Master is also more protective of his slave
because the slave is totally dependent on the Master.
The Submissive, or sub
"To be sure, the slave serves; the Master receives.
But that does not mean that the slave has no sense of self,
or self-worth. Her needs are real, and she should leave
a relationship where her needs are not met." (Rex99,
07-21-95, AOL)
The role of the submissive appears to be somewhat simpler,
but in actuality, the sub plays a large role in shaping
the D/s relationship. The sub's primary role is to follow
her Dom's directions and to please the Dom. Being submissive
does not mean that the sub is a doormat for the Dom. The
sub is the Dom's companion, his student, and his lover.
As a companion, the sub is treated with respect and dignity,
is allowed to voice opinions, and allowed to share in the
Dom's activities. This is the area where the sub is the
most equal with the Dom.
As a student, the sub learns how to please the Dom, and
when done, expects to be rewarded by the Dom. Likewise,
when not done or done incorrectly, the sub expects to be
corrected and shown the right way to act.
As a lover, the sub goes out of their way to please the
Dom because they genuinely care for the well being of the
Dom. The sub does this, not out of fear of pain or retribution,
but because they wants to give the Dom pleasure. The sub
does not want the Dom to be disappointed with them. The
sub takes pleasure from the fact that the Dom is pleased.
The slave
The slave is a higher gradient of submissiveness in D/s.
A slave's primary purpose in life is to serve the needs
and desires of the Master. The slave relinquishes all control
to the Master, because the slave knows the Master has her
well-being totally at heart. The slave is marked by her
Master in some fashion to show ownership. This can be done
with a tattoo, a piercing, or even a physical collar. The
Master/slave relationship tends to be more of a lifetime
commitment to each other than a typical Dom/sub relationship.
The slave is held to a higher standard of conduct and compliance
than a typical sub, due to the fact that the slave has given
control of their life to the Master.
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| Chapter
3 - Dominance and Submission Rules |
Note:
In this chapter, and henceforth, I will be referring to
Masters and Doms as Doms. Likewise, slaves and subs will
be called subs.
In order for any venture to be successful, there must be
basic guidelines. We understand that every couple is different,
and no two D/s relationships are the same. Nevertheless,
basic agreements exists, or else you go outside the boundaries
of what is considered a D/s relationship. Every couple will
have their own set of agreements, however, I feel there
are some that are universal.
- No
actual injury should occur to the sub. That does not
suggest that spankings, discipline and correction do
not occur, they just are not calculated to produce real
injury, either to body or mind. In D/s, pain is sometimes
used to correct behavior, or as a pleasurable experience
depending on the people involved. It is not the central
focus of the relationship.
- Pre-agreed
limits. It is simply an agreement on what the Dom and
sub will and will not do. These limits are different
for all couples. A pre-agreed limit is simply the boundaries
established by the relationship. As an example, some
couples put a limit on other people joining them for
a scene. It is important to discuss honestly with each
other what your personal limits are before beginning
a D/s relationship. These are lines that are not crossed
without at least some discussion beforehand. These boundaries
do change with time as the relationship progresses.
- The
sub should have a "safeword", or something
they can say to halt the present time activity. The
safeword is a word that is understood by both parties
to mean that action needs to stop. It could be that
the sub is in great pain, or the Dom wants to clarify
a situation outside of the action he is engaged in.
Usually, it is that a line is being crossed that was
not discussed in the pre-agreed limits, but just now
came up. D/s is supposed to be enjoyed by both parties.
Limits and safewords are type of guarantee that things
don't get out of control on either side. If the couple
are in the middle of a caning, and the sub is having
a problem with the situation, the safeword is used to
stop the action. When the safeword is spoken, the action
must stop at that moment. This will allow the Dom and
sub to discuss what the problem is, or correct a painful
or dangerous situation outside the "scene".
Communication
between the Dom and sub is crucial to a successful D/s relationship.
The sub must be willing to talk about their feelings and
the Dom must be receptive. The Dom also must be conscious
of the non-verbal cues the sub gives. For a satisfying D/s
relationship, it helps to have an underlying affinity for
the other partner. The Dom is attempting to perfect their
sub to their ideal of what the sub should be. The sub must
want that goal, too. If either of these points do not exist,
the D/s can degrade into an abusive relationship, or the
partners go off, dissatisfied. D/s is for the mutual enjoyment
of both partners. Limits and safewords assist in ensuring
both parties experience pleasure, and neither gives up all
control.
Over time the use of safewords and limits may diminish,
however many couples in a long term relationship still use
them.
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| Chapter
4 - Reward and Punishment |
This
point is where many D/s relationships fall to pieces. Overpunishment
for minor infractions, non-acknowledged good deeds, and
ignoring blatant wrong action cause the affinity in the
relationship to break down. The roles of both Dom and sub
are fairly rigid; the duties of both well understood. When
a Dom doesn't punish major infractions, or ignores correct
action by his sub, the agreements made at the beginning
of the relationship are broken. It is here that a Dom shows
his true colors. The Dom should be in control not only of
his sub, but himself as well.
At the beginning of a D/s relationship, the Dom and sub
may agree on a long list of correct and incorrect actions,
but if the Dom does not remember them, the sub is "getting
over" on the Dom, and in the process, losing respect
for the Dom's power. It would be better to have only a few
rules at the start, then as time progresses, expand them
as the relationship grows.
Overcorrecting is also poor. If the Dom is cruel or vicious,
the sub will only do what is required out of fear of punishment.
Over time, the sub will have no desire to please the Dom,
and the Dom will suddenly realize they have no real control
over the sub.
Punishment is a tool to correct wrong or no action by the
sub. It should never be done in anger! This is a very important
point. When you punish in anger, real injury can occur,
safewords are nullified, and limits do not exist. This is
a very dangerous situation. The Dom who punishes in anger
is moving into the area of abuse. In D/s, the Dom cares
about the feelings of the sub. It is very difficult to have
empathy when you are angry. Pain is not the end all and
be all of a D/s relationship. It is just one more tool at
the disposal of the Dom to guarantee the rules are complied
with.
Punishment does not even have to include pain. Movement
restrictive bondage, humiliation, harsh words, or even a
look can punish the sub. Privileges can be removed such
as not being allowed to sit on the furniture, or by the
Dom forcing the sub to sleep at the foot of the bed. There
are many ways to punish incorrect actions. Save the severe
stuff for major infractions. If you beat a dog every day,
all you get is an angry, uncontrollable dog. The same goes
for a sub, and an angry sub is much more hazardous than
an angry dog. Punishment is always followed by reward when
the sub corrects the infraction. The sub must be allowed
to make up the damage, and then it is forgiven.
Rewards show the sub that the Dom is pleased. It is a tangible
show of love and caring from the Dom to the sub for a correct
action. This is the true power of the Dom. The reward can
be a kiss, a caress, flowers, a short note, or even a long,
tender session of lovemaking. Rewards given to the sub shows
that the Dom is thinking of them, and cares for their well
being. It acknowledges their proper behavior and reinforces
it. This is how the Dom creates in the sub the willingness
to please him. A happy sub will do anything to ensure the
happiness of the Dom, and will avoid actions that disappoint.
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| Chapter
5 - Bondage |
Bondage
is a tool used by the Dom to restrict the movement of, or
to immobilize the sub. Binding can be used for correction,
but it is often used for pleasure, depending on the particular
D/s relationship. During bondage, the Dom has complete control
over the sub, but this depends on the type of binding used.
There are a variety of restraints you can purchase at your
local adult bookstore, or through catalogs. Each one has
its own use and purpose. Regardless of the style of restraint,
they should all be somewhat comfortable to wear but restrictive,
and should not cut off blood circulation. If the sub is
extremely uncomfortable, they will have attention on their
body and not fully on the Dom.
During bondage, the Dom has almost complete control of the
sub's body, and can use the time for instruction, punishment,
teasing, or can bring the sub to orgasm at the Dom's wishes.
In order to be bound, there has to be a deep level of trust
by the sub for the Dom. It is at this time more than any
other that the Dom needs to be very perceptive of the cues
the sub will give. When a sub is bound, the chance for injury
jumps drastically, and the sub is not in a position to defend
or assist herself. It is an act of total submission to allow
yourself to be bound, and the sub is trusting the Dom to
do the right thing. Therefore, the Dom must be in complete
control of himself while handling a bound sub. Drinking
or taking drugs before bondage is not recommended.
NOTE: The following items should be used with extreme
care. It is very easy to permanently injure or even kill
another person with these items. If you are unsure of how
to use these items, get the assistance of experienced D/s
couples.
Ropes
Rope bondage is the most common. This includes rope, scarves,
neckties, belts, or any other multi-purpose item used to
restrain the sub. Usually, the hands are bound to each other,
but they can be bound to the thighs, waist, behind the back,
or above the head. The sub can also be bound to another
object such as a chair, shower curtain rod, hook in the
ceiling, and many other places where you can tie off a rope.
The feet can also be bound together, or apart.
NOTE: Care must be taken with rope. It is very easy
to cut off circulation, or cause rope burns. Use a soft,
large diameter rope, such as nautical rope. Check your sub
frequently. The more the sub struggles, the tighter the
rope becomes.
Straps
Normally, these are special items made of nylon webbing
or leather. These are items that go a step beyond mere binding
of hands or feet. They are much more difficult to get out
of, and are more restrictive. Some strap items bind the
wrists to the thighs, or to the ankles. Strap bondage items
tend to be for a single purpose. NOTE: When using
strap items, check them thoroughly before use. If the item
is frayed, ripped, has loose attachments, or is discolored,
either repair the damage or throw the item away.
Cuffs
Cuffs are mainly used for wrist and arm restraint. When
referring to leg and ankle restraint, they are normally
called shackles. They can be made from many different materials,
from nylon with Velcro closings, to leather, to metal. Care
must be taken in using cuffs since a tight fit can cut off
circulation. Cuffs can be used to bind the hands to the
sub's waist, ankles, thighs, or to other objects. Usually,
when hand or thumbcuffs are not used, the cuff is a specialized
item that binds an extremity to another object, one or two
at a time.
NOTE: We do not recommend police-style handcuffs
for bondage. They do hurt, and can cause skin and tendon
damage. Use a wrist strap device made for the purpose.
Chains
Since chains can cause injury to the skin, they are normally
used to support cuffs, or to hold up a suspension device.
However, some Doms use chain directly on the skin because
it will not tighten accidentally. Choose a smooth, finished
chain, and use quick-release clasps.
NOTE: Chains can twist and catch skin, pinching or
tearing it. Examine your chains before use, and if there
is damage, do not use the item.
Collars
Collars are devices that go around the neck of the sub.
They can be made of leather or nylon. Chains or straps can
be attached to it to secure the hands or legs. These devices
can be different from a standard collar which shows ownership.
NOTE: Beginners should avoid the use of collars,
or anything which goes around the neck of a sub in the beginning.
It is very easy to inadvertently choke your sub.
Bars
Bars, also called spreader bars, are used to separate extremities
from each other. They are normally around 2-3 feet long,
though the size varies. The ends of the bar can be attached
to cuffs around the wrists, ankles, or neck. The bar enables
the Dom to control the movement of the sub, and enables
the Dom to access certain body areas easily.
NOTE: Care should be taken to ensure the connectors
on the ends of the bars are securely fastened, because if
a connector comes loose, the bar could swing around and
strike either the sub or the Dom.
Suspension Devices
Suspension devices are used to raise the sub off the floor.
These devices are more advanced, and are best left alone
if you are inexperienced.
Specialty Items
These items include padded boards, gymnastic horses, racks,
crosses, benches, stocks, and many other items. These items
are expensive and normally take up large amounts of space.
Before purchasing these, make sure you have room for them
in your home. They are also advanced bondage items.
For the beginner, I would suggest using what you have in
the house. Gym equipment, the dining room table, chairs,
shower curtain rods, placing a hook above the door frame,
or a four poster bed work very well for training purposes.
A Dom does not need a fully equipped dungeon to properly
train a submissive.
As you acquire more specialized bondage items over time,
remember to inspect the item carefully before placing it
on your sub. If the item is frayed or cut, or has broken
clasps, throw it away. It is dangerous to use damaged items.
At best, it is an unnecessary interruption of play. At worst,
your sub could be injured. These are the Dom's tools. Keep
them in working order.
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| Chapter
6 - Training Items |
There
are many types of training items. Usually, they are used
for punishment, but, when used gently, can be very erotic.
These items should serve no other purpose than for the administration
of discipline. They are symbols of power and authority for
the Dom. They must be treated with care and respect. Do
not wield an item unless you are prepared to use it. These
items are more than just another tool. They should instill
awe in the sub, and effect an immediate change in their
attitude. They are tangible evidence of the Dom's role as
the administrator of justice to the sub. Therefore, they
should not be overused or misused.
Belts can be used to discipline the sub. Folded in half,
they are very effective for spanking. It is easy to get
out of control with a belt, though, inflicting more pain
than is necessary. Of course, the intensity of pain is at
the discretion of the couple. Riding crops are also very
effective. The head of the crop, run up the inside of the
sub's thighs, is very erotic, and a strike from the crop
is quite impinging on the sub. Flails are items that have
many long thin straps attached to a handle. They can actually
break the skin if wielded too strongly, but with a light
or medium touch, can get your sub's attention quickly. They
cover a larger area of skin, giving many defined areas of
pain. Paddles come in all shapes and sizes. They are used
for spanking large areas.
These items should be used for higher gradients of discipline,
since they do cause higher degrees of pain than the flat
of your palm, and can cause injury if not used with caution.
An inexperienced Dom should use the item on himself before
using them on the sub. This way, the Dom will get an accurate
estimate on the amount of force needed with each item to
produce the desired effect.
There are also items like gags, ball gags, and face masks.
I do not suggest that the beginner utilize those items.
When gagged, the sub will have a difficult time getting
a safeword out, and may be injured inadvertently. If you
must use a gag, though, the Dom must be very careful, and
very in tune with the sub. Other means of "safewording"
should be used, such as a bell held in the sub's hand, or
a ball, when dropped, signaling the Dom that the sub is
having problems, and a time-out should be started.
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| Chapter
7 - Training Techniques |
Respect
for the sub is very important in this phase. As a Dom, you
are attempting to bring out the best in your sub, not break
her spirit and turn her into a robot.
Even in training, there are certain guidelines that are
useful.
- Never strike a sub in
the face. A light to medium open-hand slap is normally
sufficient to handle the job. You can also place your
hands on the sub's face to make them look at you.
- Never break skin on purpose.
If you do, handle it immediately after punishment is
finished. Soothe the scrapes with lotion, talking softly
and gently to your sub.
- Never leave a bound sub
unattended. Accidents can happen, and the sub is in
no position to assist themselves.
- Never discipline in anger.
That has been covered earlier.
- Never engage in D/s under
the influence of drugs or alcohol. This goes for the
sub as well as the Dom.
- Always explain why the
discipline is occurring to the sub. Discipline must
occur for a specific reason. To arbitrarily discipline
a sub breaks down her trust in the Dom.
- The punishment should
fit the offense.
- Discipline should always
be followed with tenderness and love. The infraction
has been dealt with, and is in the past. As a Dom, do
not hold a grudge against the sub. Allow the sub to
be forgiven.
There are a large number of
techniques that Doms use. These vary from couple to couple.
One technique that people use is to bind the sub's hands
above their head, bind their feet together, and, with the
flat of the hand, spank them from their shoulders to her
ankles, front and back. This is a very effective way of
getting their attention.
Reward is also very important. Correct actions must be rewarded
by the Dom, otherwise the sub has no incentive to obey the
Dom's instructions. I will give my slave a single flower,
a note left on the computer, or a loving caress. The reward
will depend on the sub and the action which pleases the
Dom. Once in a while, a Dom will find a sub to whom a spanking
is a reward. This is why the Dom must know the sub, totally.
Every sub is different, just as every Dom is different.
It is very difficult to give step-by-step instructions on
how to discipline or reward a particular sub. Some subs
are totally submissive, others have a very strong will.
In any case, the discipline is for correction, the reward
is for compliance. If more correction is needed, do not
hesitate in escalating your actions. Use the amount of correction
necessary to punish the infraction. Do not threaten punishment.
Apply it. The sub will respect the Dom to a greater degree.
If the sub complies above and beyond what you expected,
reward them accordingly. Remember, the strength of the Dom
lies in his love for the sub.
When using any style of domination, care must be taken not
to injure the sub. An actual injury, if caused, should be
tended to immediately. Stop the scene, quickly unhook or
detach the sub from any devices, and tend to the injury.
Basic first aid should be known by the Dom, because injuries
can happen, and the Dom is responsible for the sub.
Humiliation
Humiliation is a specific style of domination that centers
on making the sub do a particular act, or doing something
to a sub that is repugnant or causes the sub to feel less
powerful. Examples of humiliation include making the sub
eat from a bowl on the floor, publicly disciplining a sub,
and making a sub perform an act in public which could be
considered embarrassing. Some forms of excretory play (urine,
feces) could also be considered under this heading. This
can be an effective means of control of the sub, but is
sometimes considered overkill. Usually, the sub obeys the
Dom because the sub wants to please their Dom. When the
sub, however, decides to ignore the authority of the Dom,
or decides to play the brat, sometimes humiliation can be
considered as a tool for discipline. Personally, I do not
enjoy or employ humiliation training. It depends on the
couple involved in the relationship whether this style of
domination is used.
Restriction
Restriction is a style of domination where the sub is restricted
in movement. Restriction can be enforced with restraining
devices, such as ropes, or merely words. Restricting the
movement of a sub is a widely used training technique. Restriction
can be used along with almost any other style of domination,
such as restriction and spanking, or restriction and humiliation.
Simply tying the subs hands behind their back is a light
form of restriction. Telling your sub to kneel, or not to
move is a form of restriction. Heavier restriction can include
tying hands and feet to the bed or a hook on the wall, or
binding the sub's hands and feet together. Heavier restriction
will tend to have extra items used for restriction, such
as spreader bars, cuffs, rope, or other specific devices.
Very heavy restriction does not allow very much, if any,
movement by the sub. Very heavy restriction can utilize
larger items, like crosses, racks, large quantities of ropes,
specialized strap devices, or suspension devices. The amount
of restriction necessary depends on the training or play
being initiated by the Dom.
Physical Domination
This style of domination includes a wide range of activities,
including spanking, whips, flails, floggers, and electrical
stimulating devices. This style is often included along
with restriction. Another style of physical domination includes
moving the sub in space without their consent, by the hair,
a leash, or a simple hand on the back of the neck. Physical
domination is a very direct way of communicating to the
sub the position and authority of the Dom. Physical domination
does not have to be violent or punishing. In public, a firm
hand on the sub's shoulder can have as much effect as a
swat on the behind for correcting a sub's behavior.
Verbal Domination
This style of domination is not as directive as the above
methods, but is a style in its own right. Verbal domination
is control using words and speech to effect a change in
the sub. An example of this would be sliding up behind your
sub in a public place, and whispering into their ear, or
calling them "slave" in a public area. Having
your sub call you "Master" or "Mistress"
in public would also be considered verbal domination. Some
Doms exert so much control over their subs that a word or
a phrase will instantly cause a change in their sub, sometimes
against the will of the sub. These cases are rare, though.
In the case of cyber or long distance D/s, exercised on
the phone or by computer, this is the style used by most
Doms, since they are not there to correct or reward the
sub physically. It is very difficult to physically dominate
a sub over a long distance connection. The sub must do what
the Dom orders, to the best of the sub's ability. If clamps
are to be applied, the sub must be able to physically do
the action. Since the physical control of the sub is difficult
to ensure, verbal domination is used extensively.
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| Chapter
8 - Additional Information |
There
is more to D/s than just paddles and flails, ropes and cuffs.
There are other "toys" that are used and are useful,
especially if the parties agree that the play can become
more intense. The following items and techniques are not
recommended for beginners, but are included so that when
and if you decide, you have the information at hand to ensure
that the play continues to be safe and consensual.
NOTE: The following items and techniques are more
advanced, and have a greater probability of severe or permanent
damage. If you are unsure about how to proceed, get more
information from experienced D/s couples. The warnings in
the following sections are not to frighten you. The warnings
are there for your and your subs safety. Extreme caution
should be exercised when using these techniques and items.
Wax
Wax play is utilized by many couples for enhancing their
play. Candle wax, dripped onto sensitive body areas, such
as the nipples, chest, or groin can be intensely stimulating
for couples who have a greater pain tolerance. The sensation
of the hot wax, running down and hardening into a semi-soft
shell can be very erotic. The heat from the wax also serves
to intensify the sensitivity in and around the area if the
wax is not too hot.
NOTE: Very hot wax can cause first, second, or even
third degree burns. Blisters can form quickly, and skin
damage can easily result. When using candles, hold the candle
high above the body part exposed to the melted wax. If the
heat sensation is not strong enough, bring the candle closer,
but only a little at a time. If you are not sure about how
hot the wax is, test it by letting some fall on a sensitive
part of your body, such as your wrist or inner arm. Take
care not to burn yourself.
Clamps
Clamps are devices that apply pressure to a body part. They
can be used on nipples, the chest and outer genitalia. There
are many styles of clamps, from plain clothespins to specialized
genital clamps. Some clamps even have a tension adjuster
to get the correct amount of pressure. Some Doms will apply
the clamps to the desired area, and then add weight to pull
down on the area, or attach the clamp to a pulley system
to pull up or out on the clamped body part. The sensations
can range from pleasure to mild discomfort to extreme pain,
depending on the area that is clamped, the amount of pressure
on the clamp itself, and if there is any weight applied
to the clamp.
NOTE: Clamps should be used with caution. Clamping
any body part reduces the blood flow to that area to a greater
or lesser degree. Lack of blood can kill tissue quickly.
Also, clamps should not have sharp edges that can catch
skin or cut the sub. When using clamps and weight, extreme
caution should be taken as to avoid tearing skin or applying
so much weight that the clamp is torn from the body part.
Electrical Stimulating Devices
Electrical stimulating devices use electricity directly
applied to the skin. On most, the intensity of the applied
electricity can be altered, from a low voltage to a fairly
high amount. The sensations that come from these devices
range from pleasant to very painful. The electricity goes
into the skin and muscles, stimulating the muscles and nerves
directly. The devices can be inserted into various body
orifices, or applied to the outer skin or genitalia, depending
on the shape of the device, and its intended use.
NOTE: Electrical stimulators can be very expensive
to purchase. Be sure to fully inspect these particular devices
before use. Frayed wires, loose plates, or even corrosion
on the device can render it useless or dangerous. Electrical
play can quickly become hazardous to the sub and the Dom.
If the sub is standing, a shock to the legs or groin can
cause the sub to collapse almost instantly. An inadvertent
shock to the spine can be unpredictable, and a shock across
the heart can cause the heart to stop or beat erratically.
These devices should be researched thoroughly by the Dom
and sub that plan to use them during play. All safety information
that comes with the device should be read and understood
totally. Do not use the device in a manner that is not definitely
spelled out in the instructions. Electrical play is best
left alone. It is very dangerous edge-type play, and
must be thoroughly researched before being embarked on.
Ice
Ice play can be a welcome addition to a relationship. Ice
can be used on external body parts, external genitalia,
or even internal genitalia if care is taken. Ice can quickly
sensitize affected body parts, or numb them slightly. Ice
can even be used to intensify an orgasm in either sex. With
males, a thin piece of ice, inserted into the anus during
ejaculation, can give the male a more intensified orgasm
than normal. Ice rubbed on nipples will cause an almost
instant stiffening, making clamp application easier in some
situations.
NOTE: Caution shall be observed. Ice play can cause
frost-nip or in severe cases, frostbite. Frost-nip is a
temporary situation of numbness, pain, and diminished blood
flow in the affected area. It will go away with the application
of heat. Frostbite is a serious condition of actual tissue
death. The skin turns gray, and there is no blood flow.
The skin will feel very waxy. Frostbite must be attended
to very quickly. It is doubtful that true frostbite will
be caused with ice play, but the Dom should always be watching
the sub and their reactions for any bad signs. Do not apply
hot wax or hot water to a frost-nipped or bitten area. Use
the warmth of your hands or underarms to re-warm the nipped
area. Also, ice inserted into the anus or vagina can cause
internal cuts, which can severely injure or kill your sub.
Body Training
Body training uses specialized apparatus to 'train' a body
part or area to look a certain way for an extended period
of time. Corsets are used to train the waist and lower abdomen
to make it smaller. Nipple training devices pull the nipple
out from the breast to lengthen it. There are other devices
specific to other body parts. The difference with these
and other devices is that body training occurs over a long
period. With corsets, the sub wears it for about 22 hours
a day for a long time. The result of the training can be
extremely visually pleasing.
NOTE: There are extreme cautions to these
procedures. Corsets accomplish the 'wasp waist' look by
physically moving internal organs up into the rib cage.
Other training devices apply pressure and tension to a specific
body part for extended periods. If used improperly, all
body training devices can cause severe pain and possible
injury.
Piercing
Piercing is a way of ornamenting the body in other places
than the ear with jewelry. Pierced areas can include the
nose, eyebrow, lip, and nipples. In females, piercing can
include the clitoris, clitoral hood, inner and outer labia.
In males, piercing can include the penis shaft, the glans,
and the scrotum. Piercings can be temporary, where a thin
sharp needle is passed through the skin, or permanent, where
a sharp hollow needle actually carves out a portion of the
skin, making a hole. The jewelry ranges from simple hoops
to intricate jewelry. Chains, rope, and clamps can be attached
to the jewelry itself to pull on the skin.
NOTE: Since an object is breaking the surface of
the skin, profuse bleeding will normally occur. Also, due
to the skin break and subsequent blood contact, infections
can easily take hold. Blood poisoning, gangrene, and death
can happen due to an improperly cared-for piercing. Because
of the dangers involved, eroticized piercing should be avoided.
All piercing implements and jewelry should be disinfected
thoroughly before use, and the area being pierced should
be cleaned with an anti-bacterial wash.
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| Chapter
9 - Suggested Reading List |
The
following books are recommended for the beginning, as well
as the more experienced D/s couple. They can be difficult
to find in your local bookstore, so when possible, we will
give the mailing address so you can order these texts directly.
Screw
the Roses, Give me the Thorns by Phillip Miller and
Molly Devon
The
Loving Dominant by John Warren
SM
101 by Jay Wiseman
Different
Loving by Gloria Brame, William Brame, and Jon Jacobs
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| Epilogue |
This
has been a labor of love. I wish to thank the many people
that Sandi and I have talked with for their input. This
booklet was written to answer some of the many questions
we are asked about our relationship, and in our life we
have met many people who were interested in D/s, but knew
nothing about it.
I hope after reading this information you are left with
the understanding that the Dom is not only about discipline.
He is about love. Also, the sub is not the doormat for the
whims of a Dom, but a valuable addition to the Dom's life.
D/s is not for all couples. It worked for me and I want
to share the information we have learned through years of
practice.
Special thanks go to:
- Craig - Thank you for
all your questions which precipitated writing this booklet.
- Rex99 - Thank you for
your concisely communicated views on D/s and S&M.
- All others who have read
and communicated their feelings on the information in
this booklet - You have my gratitude. Be well, my friends.
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