I awoke on June 15,
2000, my master wrapped his arms around me, pulled me close
and whispered “Good morning kajira, happy anniversary.” A strange
mix of emotions ran through me in record time. The pride that
I had been pleasing to this master for a year. Pleasing enough
that he chose to keep me in collar and then the fear set in.
This was our 12th anniversary, that meant it was time to be
branded. For months, Master had been telling me I would be branded
on our 12th month and just a few days before, I had gone and
signed the papers giving the brander the approval to do this.
The brander had to be protected by society’s laws and rule,
but I signed the paper per the instructions of my owner. Having
the detail of legalities out of the way before the actual branding,
permitted us to follow more closely to the branding tradition,
and the effect of being property “submitting” to rather than
a free person “permitting” the act.
Like
any other morning, I arose and got the kids ready for school.
They were in a year-round school and thus, going this morning.
I kissed them each and sent them on their way. I began to tremble.
I was frightened. I had already been told that it hurt, very
much in fact, and knew from my own cooking burns and such that
I did not like the feeling of burning. With the kids out of
sight, the reality that I was merely owned property began to
set in. “Oh my God,” kept running through my brain. I was permitted
to dress in a light soft dress (afterall it is hot as heck in
Arizona in June) and slip on sandals. Ankle and wrist cuffs
were placed on me. The leather familiar and comforting and into
the car we went.
We
drove across Tucson to pick up my once chain sister. Her bubbly
personality was up lifting and her touch comforting. We giggled
as sisters do and she, bless her heart, tried to keep me thinking
of fun things, happy times, and things that made me laugh. To
some degree, it worked, I was a bit more relaxed on the two
hour drive to Phoenix, but that little voice kept trying to
bully its way into my brain.
We
finally met with Master’s best friend and the panic set it.
I was really going to do this, Master was really going to have
me marked kajira. Me, the one who had been so proud that she
had not marred her body in any way prior to meeting Master.
No tattoos, no marks, only a belly scar from child birth and
those of a tomboy playing hard when she was younger. Me, the
one who could not understand placing dyes into ones body was
about to intentionally be scared, burned had I lost my mind???
No, just my ‘freedom’. Master Bleu gave me a hug, told me he
was proud of me and into the dark big vehicle we went. Okay,
so it was not a silver ship swooping me away to Gor, but it
could not have been closer.
I
was placed, still in ankle and wrist cuffs in the back seat
of the SUV with my sister my hands. linked together by the D
rings and we started down the freeway. Could my heart actually
be pounding as loudly as my ears were hearing? Master spoke,
my mind racing I barely made out the command. My sister helped
pull my dress over my head and I was speeding down the freeway,
naked except cuffs and collar. I was shivering. It was not cold,
in fact over one hundred degrees, but I trembled, Master was
really going to do this. It was completely in his hands now.
N0 turning back, not that I would have, but as the books of
Gor find the girls so often saying “Master had left me no choice.”
I
can not even begin to say how long the ride really was, only
that it seemed I could have traveled all the way to California
in the time it took in my mind. Minutes felt like hours. I had
always questioned the sanity of someone jumping out of a perfectly
good aircraft and now found myself questioning the sanity of
one who would deliberately inflict such a tremendous amount
of pain on themselves intentionally. But that crazy person was
me this day.
We
arrived at the Brander’s home. Steve Haworth and his lovely
girl were the most wonderful people, allowing me to become a
bit relaxed. I had to wonder if they could see the trembling
as I stepped into their home. Bekki, whom I would like to mention,
is not only a beautiful person outside, but inside as well,
smiled and sat with us a few moments. She had taken the time
when we met to sign all the legal mumbo jumbo to show me her
brands. To tell me the truth when I asked her if it was going
to hurt. She explained how the muscles involuntarily twitch
and contract during the procedure. She smiles now. Friendly,
and understanding. Warm in just her persona. I will never forget
how warm and inviting they both were.
Master
removed my collar. Any girl who has ever worn the collar of
the man that truly owns her, her heart, her body and her mind,
knows that empty feeling that remains in your very soul when
your neck is bared by your Master. I was frightened, I was uncollared,
and I was empty. God, please let me be pleasing to him today,
please God, don’t let me shame Him……..
Master
and Steve left the room. Master Bleu must have seen the fear,
he gave me a reassuring squeeze and I was off to put on my silks.
My sister looked at me in the mirror, watched my hands tremble
as I tried to tie the silks, and put on makeup??? Well let’s
just say, there have been better days for that! Silks on, heart
pounding, fear calling out to me, trying to push me from the
very thing my Master wanted. A marked girl.
I
entered the living room and waited, it seemed like forever.
I can not even begin to tell the thousands of thoughts that
ran through my head all at once, a jumble of self-doubt, pride,
fear, excitement, fear, joy and did I mention fear?
Master
reentered the room. I don’t think I had ever seen him look so
stern. His face was hard, His gait determined. There would be
no begging my way out of this. I could see it in his magnificent
blue eyes. My heart skipped beats, my breath caught in my throat
and then my scalp stung. I was being lead through the house
(to this day, I could not find my way to that room alone) I
did not know where, I did not even know which way I was being
led. Then the sterile smell of the room hit me, it was a bit
cooler than the rest of the house, or was it just my imagination?
I was stood upright, and no one spoke to me, nobody said a word,
I trembled again. I was nothing, no one, this had nothing to
do with me. I was just property, Steve was just a metal worker
paid to perform his art. I was alone. Though there were people
in the room, I was alone.
Steve
placed the outline of the brand Master had chosen on my leg,
it was cold, and not quite high enough, it was removed, again
cold, and now right where Master wanted it. High upon my left
thigh, just below the hip. ‘oh my God, am I really going to
do this?
I
was led to a very sturdy table. I knew it was old and would
later learn it’s actual age. It felt like I was about to go
through my yearly exam again, my feet placed in stirrups, yet
I had never trembled so at the doctors office. As Master secured
me in place, I of course, tested the amount of “play” I would
have in the binds. Again fear washed over me when I came to
realize there was none. Not even a tiny bit. I began trying
to talk to myself, to remember the pain of childbirth, sure
that this could not possibly be any worse. Trying to “go to
my happy place”, to relax. Mind over matter and all HA!!
“Girl
you will now be branded.” Those words echoed and echoed and
then I was pulled away from my relaxation by a searing pain
shooting from my leg directly to my brain. I grasped the ropes
held my breath, gritted my teeth, breathed rapidly, everything
I could think of until finally the pain just took over and I
screamed. I mean I really screamed. Not only was I in more pain
than I had ever felt in my life, I was terrified, I begged,
screamed “Please Master Please, Please make him stop Master
please.” I don’t know how many times I begged, how many times
I pleaded all I know is this Man who said he loved me was trying
to kill me. I just knew I would never survive this pain. God,
please just make it stop, please just let me pass out, God please
please please. I went from absolutely
adoring this man, loving him with every fiber of my being to
hating him. I despised Him for hurting me so much, for the pain
he was forcing on me. He had always been sure to stop the pain
just before I couldn’t take it anymore and now…now he was abandoning
me. He was letting this stranger torture me…Why? How could he?……I
hate you. I hate all of You. MAKE IT STOP!
And
then, just before I was going to receive the mercy of passing
out, the most wonderful, blue eyes were looking into mine. The
most wonderful, strong eyes were willing me to make it. The
eyes I had so often looked to for guidance, were leading me
through this, they were willing me strength. Willing the terror
of my mind to feel control. Willing me to endure …. surrender
… submit … trust.
Finally
it was over. And the most beautiful words to a kajira’s ears
were whispered so softly so warmly, so reassuringly “I am proud
of you”. Yes, even more beautiful than I love you, my Master
was proud. I had done well. Even though I was screaming and
yelling and crying I had made my Master proud. That sent my
heart soaring. Oh I had made Him proud. Proud in front of his
best friend, proud in front of these people that tortured me….proud….but
yet I was still not complete…
I
don’t know how long I was permitted to rest, moments? perhaps.
Master pulled me from the table and led me determinedly to the
fur and to my knees before Him. Oh thank heavens I had done
well, I was to be collared, I had pleased this Master. “Assume
the position of female submission” YES! I was to be collared.
My heart soared again, my leg did not hurt anymore. It was amazing.
Once the brand was done, there was no pain. The electricity
no longer vaporizing the flesh from my body the pain subsided.
“In all things, yours to do with as you will.” I hoped beyond
hope that I had not moved, that I had not caused damage to the
kef upon my thigh. I hoped that the brand was perfect. Just
as Master had imagined it. “Whatever Master wishes it to be.
Yes Master, I am mika.
and
I love you
